Would you use your ex?

[Indus18]

I tried posting about this earlier, but got no response as the post was really convoluted and very contradictory from one paragraph to the next. (as opposed to this one, which is less of both ;-) ) Now that i have a clearer perspective, I'm ready to ask again.

Basically, long story short, I love and hate my ex. The things that she did to me have been some of the most degrading, depressing moments of my life, and when she broke up w/ me, I was crushed, and in a way, so was she, as we had a very codependent relationship.

We stopped talking for a few months, during which I moved on, and she didn't. She now calls me all the time, hits on me constantly, (has been doing it since we broke up 1.5 years ago) but I'm so upset about the past, I usually request that she stops calling me after a few conversations, and the cycle repeat a couple months later. I have not called her once since we broke up.

My family has invited her to our place for her Thanksgiving Break (5 days) because she is going through a REALLY rough time and has no where to go. They did this WITHOUT telling me in advance.

I could be warm and supportive, since she's going through a hard time (but she was never warm or supportive to me when I was going through horrible times.) This is my first instinct, but is obviously no fun, and could lead to an increased obsession on her part. I could be cold and dismissive, which seems just plain immature, but at least it wouldn't make her more attached to me. OR, as I'm going through a dry spell sexually, I could have a good time w/ her while she's here, but then make it clear after she's gone that it was a one-time deal. I was a young, emotional, wuss while we dated and I feel ashamed constantly about how I let myself be mistreated over and over. This would help me re-edit the relationship a little bit and make me feel for ONCE like I have the upper-hand, power, etc. I know it's petty, pathetic, immature, etc, but we all go there every now and then, right?

What would YOU do? As the former consummate "nice guy," I have a deep desire to be the stereotypical, sexually-charged, asshole, particularly toward this girl who cheated on me, among other (worse) things. As my primary instinct is to comfort her, and be kind despite everything, I don't know if I can pull it off, or live w/ myself afterward, but I'd really like to try. Is this as poor of an idea as it sounds as I type it out?

[Mish]

What would YOU do?

A lot of what we do depends on how we percieve ourselves. Are you the type of person who would hurt someone who a long time ago hurt you? Do you have problems forgiving? Are you a type of person who would use people? In the end your actions will have strong reprecussions on your self perception and thus on your future. So my advice would be to do that how you want to see yourself.

What would I do, I would help my friend in need even if this friend hurt me before and I wouldn't go anywhere further than friends. Because that's the type of person I am.

[IndiReloaded]

What would I do, I would help my friend in need even if this friend hurt me before and I wouldn't go anywhere further than friends. Because that's the type of person I am.

+1 Good for you, Mish.

Indus, welcome to the world of adulthood and choices.

You are basically deciding whether to kick a dog (or in your case, a bitch) when she's down. If you do it, you'll probably end up hurting yourself just as much.

Divorced exes call on each other for help all the time. If they can make nice, you can too.

But, perhaps you want to let your family know they made you feel uncomfortable. Mbe next time they could mention it to you first.

And, if it gets bad, definitely feel free to excuse yourself early once you've made a decent appearance.

[Indus18]

+1 Good for you, Mish.

Indus, welcome to the world of adulthood and choices.

You are basically deciding whether to kick a dog (or in your case, a bitch) when she's down. If you do it, you'll probably end up hurting yourself just as much.

Divorced exes call on each other for help all the time. If they can make nice, you can too.

But, perhaps you want to let your family know they made you feel uncomfortable. Mbe next time they could mention it to you first.

And, if it gets bad, definitely feel free to excuse yourself early once you've made a decent appearance.

Sober words, my friend. My family has a different way of seeing things though. After I gave them an earful about the ex situation, and refused to come home for break, (yeah, I don't know if i made clear she's staying for 5 days while she's on break from school, not just Thanksgiving dinner), I was criticized for selfishness (despite my 4 years of unrequited devotion to this girl), and when I said "well, I'll leave if she makes me uncomfortable" I was lambasted for immaturity.

Following that immediate aftermath, I thought about the situation and realized a few things. My family rarely comes together; thanksgiving is one of the few times a year, so I do want to be there. It's probably my favorite holiday of the year for this reason alone. It was at that point that these scenarios started playing through my head. These are all "no escape, make the best of it" options. I wish I could walk away, but my family tends to get up in arms about small things. (Indians take their "guest-entertaining" pretty seriously...)

[Lipp]

I reckon acting cold and indifferent is a whole lot less immature than leading her on and abusing her desire.

And that's what I'd do. Indifferent to her, normal to everyone else, like a real-life ignore button,

[1averagejoe]

Hmmm...I'd use her to clean my room and wash my clothes. Does that count?

[Illusional]

**** that...she's only coming back to you to "use" you for comfort.. why are you even contemplating this?

raverboy

[IndiReloaded]

Is your family trying to bring you two back together? Sure sounds like it to me, otherwise I cannot think why your family would have an ex-GF stay with your family for that long. Esp when they know it will hurt you.

Sounds like its a done deal for this year. Since family is important & there is no point making further waves I think your best bet is to treat her like you would any other guest. Not deliberately indifferent, but with definite detachment. Having other places to go (and maybe a girl or two to see) wouldn't be a bad thing either.

Do let your family know, after she is gone, that you would appreciate this type of thing not happening again.

BlueSum might have more to add, having lived with Indian relatives.

[Cbrider]

I would claim the master bedroom as my own and put your new found guest and the rest of the family in the guest room(s). hey thats just me though.

[Indus18]

Hey all, thanks so much for the advice.

To IndiReloaded: The situation is further complicated because she is my future brother-in-law's sister. (Yes, I know it seems mildly incestuous. She and I became friends when her older brother and my older sister started dating, and before long she came onto me and well...the rest is the unpleasant, 3-year-long history of my first relationship.)

Both she and her brother have been "disowned" because of fights w/ their controlling parents about their lifestyles. This is their first thanksgiving in which they're unable to go home, so my mom invited them after hearing the story from my sister.

Her brother and my sister are not currently together, which is even stranger, but I refer to him as my future-brother-in-law because they were recently engaged, are still living together, and have broken up 6 times previously. I also found out last year that he used to hit my sister a couple years into their 7 years together. Needless to say, I do not care for this family at all and have spent a LONG time trying to get my sister to go the same way I have, but she's still charmed by his humor, success, and intellectualism -- all things that should mean nothing under the shadow of abuse and deceit (he, like his sister, is also a cheater). On top of being reprimanded about my desires to hit him in the face every time I see him, I now have to sit and break bread w/ him. I do have to say there's something very wrong about my desire to use his sister being spurred in part by my hatred of their family.

Illusional: You're still probably right, despite her coming also to spend time with her brother. Every time she has had any serious problem, she has come to me for help: including times we were broken up before our final break-up, and tried numerous times in the last 1.5 years that we've been separated. I dont' need to elaborate, but I let myself be used a LOT while we were together.

Still, the fact that she's physically attractive, and shameless enough to come onto me any time I pick up her call makes me think about using her a fraction as much as she's used me in other ways. After the comments I received, I still feel equally torn between for ONCE being the usER, or staying true to my character as an emotionally responsible individual...

[Gigabitch]

I wouldn't use my ex because I'm just not a user. It's pretty clean, that way. Are you?

[Indus18]

Well Giga, I have been very much so up until this point; I don't know how well it's served me. I'm only 22 though. My sister calls me her "Victorian brother" because of my personal conservatism, restraint, and shame.

There has just never been someone who has pushed herself into my life so much when I don't want her there. The fact that my family facilitates this is just too much to bear. I feel like acting out! Plus, to finally feel like someone you hate has no power over you is a good feeling...one that a mere mortal might want to exploit for all its worth. I have plenty of time to repent later, right?

[IndiReloaded]

Why don't you just feel sorry for her for being so manipulated? First by her own family & now by yours.

But you'd rather add injury to insult by using her for your own purposes as well?

Ultimately, your choices are your own. Just remember:

Reputation is what others know (or think they know) about you. Honour is what you know about yourself.

[Indus18]

I've thought about it. She called me just now for the first time since my sister told me she's coming. I picked up. She wasn't flirtatious; she seemed scared and fragile, and said she was sorry for not letting me know she was coming, that she had no where else to go and she was scared I would tell her not to come.

I don't know what I was thinking. I can't do anything but be kind and respectful to her, regardless of how she's treated me in the past. She says she doesn't know how she'll pay for college anymore; she's working on a financial aid plan w/ her school but doesn't know if it will pan out. On the one hand, I hate hearing her problems again, but on the other hand, I really wanted to give her a hug..

[Gigabitch]

I can't do anything but be kind and respectful to her, regardless of how she's treated me in the past.

Of course you can't, because you're not a dog. Look at it this way, you couldn't make it any more clear that she messed up BIG TIME when she lost you. Treat her like some kind of disabled person (which she is, actually) and take the high road.