Im very confused and scared, in a love-related bind

[unluckygirl77]

I have been in a nine year relationship with a man. We are not married, nor do we have children together. I have a 12 year old from a previous relationship. We live together, but thats where the "relationship" ends. There is no romantic love, maybe you could call it platonic love, but whatever...I do love him, just not in a romantic way. I love him because he has provided me with stability and a home for our family. We do not have sex, or kiss, or date. He has been abusive in the past, and although I thought we had moved past that, it has recently started up again sad Don't worry, I don't take it!
I have left him before on many previous occasions, but he always finds a way to swoop in and save me when the chips are down, so to speak. This last time I promised myself I would stick it out, regardless. Was thinking that this was the natural progression of any LTR. I'm no angel, tho. I have carried on a relationship with another man for 5 years. No strings attached, just sex and companionship. It worked for the both of us. I don't love this man, just needed attention I was not receiving at home.
You see, I was in a deep dark place in my head for many years. I may have seemed normal on the outside, but inside I was hurting immensely. My future as a scientist has been in limbo for three years due to circumstances outside of my control. I worked my entire life for my education, and without it I feel lost. It was going to be my road to independence from him. Anyway, that about sums up the history of my current relationship.
O, and for those astro-freaks like myself, he is a LEO and me, a SCORP.
Well the deep depression I was in started to lift recently with the pieces starting to fall into place. I finally am beginning to see my place in the world now it is just the process of getting there.
I have wanted out of this relationship for a long time but I'm SCARED to leave. Not because of him, but because of me. Every time I did in the past, I failed. I have an innate fear of being alone, even tho I have functioned in that capacity. I want true love. I always have. I feel like life is not life without love.
It has been so long since I have been happy and then...BAM!! He walks into my life. I have known him for over a year as he is a teacher and I a substitute at an elementary school. It was not love at first sight, but recently, I started to have dreams about him. It kinda freaked me out since I had previously had no feelings for him. On a whim, I told him about my dreams and that was all it took. We began talking and I started to realize this person was quite possibly my ideal match.
We have not spent a great deal of time together alone, but those times just reinforce my feelings. He is a PISCES. We talk all the time, getting to know each other. I do not fall in love easily, I actually prefer to remain detached but I cant help these feelings...im losing control. He makes me nervous, butterflies and all, I get heart palpatations when I'm around him (seriously) and when we kiss I get weak in the knees. The feeling is mutual and we have discussed it. Strangely enough, we have not consumated the relationship because for the first time I FEEL GUILTY! That is the crazy part. Remember, I have carried on a sexual relationship for 5 years without an ounce of guilt. So, we mutually decided to wait until I am out of this relationship before we begin ours. I think I'm falling in love with him...head over freaking heels. I'm scared tho. I'm scared I am putting too much emphasis on what might be, rather than what is in mine and my son's best interest. We live in a small town, where everyone knows everyone and he and my live-in share friends in the same circle even tho they don't know each other personally. I am afraid of how I am going to be perceived in my community by people I know. I'm afraid of what people may say to him about me in order to protect their "friend", my live in. I'm afraid that I am going to leave and then, end up alone. I am afraid that he is too good for me (possibly the best, most mature guy I have ever been with). I'm afraid he won't like me once he really knows me...I'm very insecure. And most of all, I'm afraid of giving up what has been my life thus far only to discover that was as good as it gets. Please help.

[carl1222]

You'll get more replies if you break your post into paragraphs. Right now, it's almost unreadable.

Carl.

[vashti]

There is no real way to know if your attraction to the new man is genuine, or a byproduct of your unhappiness in your primary relationship without you spending time ON YOUR OWN.

How bonded is your son to your primary man? Do they have a good relationship? Would your son miss him if you left, and would your man continue to see your boy if things dissolved? Honestly, as a mother - that would weigh VERY heavily on my decision about whether or not to stay.

Also, please clarify what you mean by "abusive". Do you mean he hurts your feelings because he yells at you, or do you mean he is actually PHYSICALLY abusive. In my mind, they are two very different things.

[unluckygirl77]

THanks vashti. I know the post is long but there is a lot of history. Guess I didn't clarify.
First, ur right, it may not be genuine "love" but it sure is a good imposter! I guess only time will tell.
Second, I understand ur concern with my son, but let me assure u their relationship is lacking, at best. My current BF has always made it clear that,although he loves my son, he is not his biological child and if there was ever to be another child he may treat him differently (read:better). He has never been very involved in his life..no father-son sctivities, he doesn't take him to sport functions (I do), he doesn't attend school functions or conferences (again, me). They do play video games tho! Haha.
Finally, the abuse is physical (slapping, hair pulling), verbal (he tells me he hates me, he never loved me, and other horrible things that are not appropriate to post), and emotional. Lately we have been strapped for money, he is unemployed but has trust fund money. He won't touch the money and won't get a job. I work two jobs and I have been trying to save my money to move, which infuriates him...he wants me 2 give it to him. This frustration has manifested the recent abuse but he has always had a temper. Hope this helps.

[misombra]

he beats you and treats your son like second best?

what keeps you around with this person?

[obsidian8731]

Hell woman anything is better then what u got, from the sound of it. Leave him go and get out on your own (even tho it scares u)

[misombra]

by the way i am a pisces and i can testify to us being super awesome.

[Gigabitch]

Well, "unluckygirl", I don't see any unluckiness about your situation at all. What I see is a pile of bad choices resulting in a crappy situation.

What the hell do you mean, you don't take the abuse? You're still with him. You do more than take it. You invite it. I see a direct correlation between depression and staying with this guy.

You can only give someone an ultimatum once. After that, it's all just bullshit. You left him for being a shit the first time and he changed his act, right? You went back to him with the understanding that things would change. Then he slid back into his old ways and you repeated Step 1... how many times?

No, no, no.

So if he's a broke-ass jerk that treats you like crap and your son indifferently at best, how would that be any kind of loss if you were to end up alone? Has it occurred to you that the example you're showing your son is a very bad one? How is he supposed to respect women if you have no respect for yourself?

[belovedpilot]

Think about yourself.... You still have the rest of your life.... Make something out of it, while it still can...not only for you but do it for your son as well!!
Don't be afraid to be alone, you will find the love or the love founds you....

[unluckygirl77]

Thanks for the advice. At least honesty reigns true! Beloved pilot, thank you for having an open mind and for compassion. Matters of the heart don't always agree with the head. I appreciate. I am normal with normal problems. At least I'm being honest with everyone. Thanks again for the input.

[vashti]

When there is physical abuse going on, all bets are off. I don't think you should live with a man that does that, although I am pretty sure jumping straight into another relationship is NOT the answer to your problems.

[Mish]

I'm afraid he won't like me once he really knows me...I'm very insecure. And most of all, I'm afraid of giving up what has been my life thus far only to discover that was as good as it gets. Please help.

With each post I think it is becoming clearer that you should leave the current relationship. Though my personal opinion is you appear to be too insecure for another relationship (at least for the time being). So far you've made a horrendous amount of bad decisions (ones that seriously question your stability as a person) and it seems like you have given very little thought to how these decisions will affect the life of your son. Can you honestly trust yourself that you will not make a whole heap more when you jump into another relationship? Maybe it's time to take a break from relationships and dedicate yourself more to your kid and his well being.