The Dreaded Friends Ladder

[politicodc]

Will try to keep it to just the facts

1) Girl just out of 3 year relationship.
2) I make move on girl, rejected w/ended relationship invoked as reason
3) Continues to express interest in hanging out, which she does twice. Invites me to bar with her and sister one night.
4) Goes up to Boston for 3 days to "finalize breakup."
5) Comes back jaded. Over text, 2x rejects invitation to hang out -- drops the F word (friends). "I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I just want to be friends." Okay, fine. I'm ready to move on...
6) One week later, girl starts going out of her way to talk to me, asks to me to hang out "don't forget you're welcome to come and chill out at the pool whenever."

Forgive my french, but I despise this sh*t.

I'm interested in dating her, and am sympathetic to the fact that she's fresh off a long relationship, but I'm also realistic: friends won't work as long as I'm attracted to her.

Anyone know the method to this madness? Did I scare her by moving too fast post breakup and she's actually interested, or is she just looking for a friendly shoulder to cry on?

[politicodc]

quick note: bumped this guy over from another category, apologies for the double post

[xxazurexx]

You'd be wise and to never make a move on a female who is fresh out of a breakup. Nine times out of ten and if the ex dumped her, she will be still hung up on him and would likely go back to him. The ex occupies her thoughts, she wants no involvement with any other man or has any desire to be involved elsewhere...which is why she turned you down.

She went to Boston and came back jaded and simply because her and the ex didn't manage to patch things up. You still persisted on pursuing a female recovering from a recent breakup, so you get the 'Let's be friends' speeches. She is trying to be kind and without hurting your feelings.

Perhaps she does like you, but it's way too soon for her and to see you as more. Perhaps she wants to spend time with you and to get to know you better. She could be thinking that something may grow from your friendship and if you spent time together.

[politicodc]

thanks -- genuinely helpful to here a woman's side of this. Though I should clarify, she went up to Boston to hammer home the fact that she was serious about dumping this guy. Apparently long and stressful experience, I get that.

This of course begs another question, probably worthy of its own thread -- how long do women need to recover from a serious relationship?

[xxazurexx]

If we loved them, it can take some time. It does for me anyway. If it was a relationship that we had perhaps already checked out of and before it ended, then we can move on much sooner.

Despite the fact she ended it, she could still love him and be hurting. It depends upon why she ended it.

I'm just thinking that in order for her to be calling you to hang out, she likes you. And things can grow from a friendship you know, but you can't expect it to happen immediatley. This asking you to hang out, could be her way of testing the water with you.

I think if I was you, I'd hang out with her and for a while, see how things progress. But have no expectations that it will lead to more, don't pressurise her and try not to get too involved. I'd give it around 2 months and if she is still showing no signs of moving closer, then you have a choice to make....stick around and be her friend or opt out of a friendship with her.

[politicodc]

Thanks, that's good advice. I'll probably give it a shot, though I feel slightly guilty going into the "friendship" when my intentions are anything but...

[xxazurexx]

Well think of it as being 'friends'. Like I said, go into it with no expectations that it will amount to more. Just hang out and enjoy her company and getting to know her that much more.

She could actually want to hang out and because she may see you as more, but she holds you back and because she isn't ready for anything more with you. Given time she might be.
You have to take a chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained....