Please help me!!!

[PollyAnna011]

Hi there!

My problem is, that i am in a relationship of 3 years now. I really do love hm so very much, but things have always been difficult. I dont have any friends anymore, and he is extremely jealous! He has told me that he doesnt want to talk about marriage or moving in together etc coz he's not ready!

Now, recently, i started chatting secretively to a very old friend that i last saw about 4 years ago, and we are really starting to like each other, and he wants m eto break up with my bf, so we can be together.

I am just not sure what to do. Do i give up a 3 yr relationship that ive worked so hard on, for something that may not work? Or do i take the leap, and maybe find th ehappiness that i deserve? the other guy is the type who wants marriage and kids etc...

I know that its easy to say, you need to listen ti you heart, make up your mind etc, but please dont say those things to me, i know all of that!

I am looking for people who have had these kinds of experiences, to tell me what they did, or someone who can give me their opinion on my situation, or who is interested in asking insightful questions, then listening, and then giving me their opinion.

Thanks!!!

[Junket]

What are you, 16?

[PollyAnna011]

actually, i am older than you, and i didnt come here for nastiness, i came for help. If you dont have anything nice to say, or help to offer, why bother?

[Junket]

Because this website isn't about being nice, it's about getting down to the nitty gritty.

Your relationship sounds incredibly juvenile, and the both you don't even sound like you're mature enough to be having any kind of long term relationship.

Boys that are overly jealous.

Girls that are sneaking around because they don't want to upset the boy.

This reeks of high school.

[PollyAnna011]

Oh yes, coz im sure, at the age of 22 you know so much about the world, and "mature relationships" . For goodness sake, you're listed as not even having a proper job!

You need to get over yourself! Its people like you who ruin places like this for the rest of us!
Seriously, dont bother replying, I dont want to hear it!

[Junket]

Oh yes, coz im sure, at the age of 22 you know so much about the world, and "mature relationships" . For goodness sake, you're listed as not even having a proper job!

You need to get over yourself! Its people like you who ruin places like this for the rest of us!
Seriously, dont bother replying, I dont want to hear it!

How is working 40's like anyone else and learning a trade not a proper job?

Better than going to college for 4 years then working in retail.

And I know plenty about mature relationships, ask anyone else here.

Finding out your boyfriend is extremely jealous within the first year is one thing. But you've been with this guy for 3 years. So it sounds to me like you've abandoned relationships to be with this insecure fool. Any reasonable adult would have abandoned their partner first if they were unable to understand you should have friends and a life outside of the relationship.

I'm not surprised you're looking at the grass on the other side, and quite frankly I don't blame you. But the downfall of your relationship of 3 years isn't to be blamed solely on your boyfriend. You let him control you and who you affiliate yourself with. He said jump and you said "how high?" After 3 years you need to take responsibility for your submissiveness, because if you can't recognize you're half the reason why you got here, then you'll never learn and keep making the same mistakes in your new relationships.

I don't need to be 30 to know that.

[PollyAnna011]

as much as i really dont like you, that was actually decent advice. you could have just said that from the start you know! you might find that you'll actually help people that way instead of being just downright rude. Not all of us want to be put down on here, but hey, whatever floats your boat sunshine!

[LoveHurts09]

there's no way any1 can give u the answer, even if some1 has been through almost the same as u it will always be different in some respect.

although u say u dont want to hear "listen to ur heart" etc, it really is the best advice...
what keeps u with him?
what makes u want to leave?
why is the new guy worth giving ur relationship up for?
he's an old friend? did u date him before? why not if u didnt?
try seeing him without the infatuation, see it lasting?

try picturing urself in the possible scenarios and seeing which 1 u want.

[Junket]

as much as i really dont like you, that was actually decent advice. you could have just said that from the start you know! you might find that you'll actually help people that way instead of being just downright rude. Not all of us want to be put down on here, but hey, whatever floats your boat sunshine!

We don't coddle people here, we just call it like we see it, and I saw it as a juvenile relationship.

In any case, you didn't leave me with much to go off of, so I was really just taking a shot in the dark based off similar problems other people post. I've been here long enough for that.

The question is, have you learned anything from this relationship to prevent you from re-picking men with similar traits and making the same mistakes over again?

[LoveHurts09]

The question is, have you learned anything from this relationship to prevent you from re-picking men with similar traits and making the same mistakes over again?

yes, seems like she's made her mind up as to her relationship right?
even if the new guy doesnt last/work, u seem like u dont want this relationship anymore

[PollyAnna011]

Lovehurts09: Thank you, i really do appreciate what you said! Those are really things i should think about, and i will! And you're right, Im sick of being someone that I really am not!

Frasbee: Yes, I have learnt from this... I have been really stupid, and given up everything to make someone else happy, but obviously there are a lot of underlying isues that will take far too long to say here. That is why i want to get out, and i know this sounds stupid, but im just really scared, and to be even more stupid, i just dont want to hurt him. Dont laugh ok or roll your eyes ok! coz i can see you doing it already!

[jadelil25]

I think that the best thing you can do is take some time out from your friend and also from your boyfriend. Dont have any communication with either of them or see them for a few days.

This is so that you can think about how you really feel and about what you really want without them interupting or getting involved.

It sounds like you are not happy in your relationship and are not getting what you want which is not good and healthy. You both need to be happy in a relationship for it to able to work. If you are not happy and dont think that you can fugure things out with your partner at the moment then I would say that it is best to leave him before you get even more un happy and get even more hurt. I know it may seem hard but your happiness is important. Just talk to him and be honest about how you feel.

3 Years is a long time together and he should know by now what he wants and even if he is not ready for marriage then he should atleast be happy with moving in. I dont feel this guy is right for you and that is why things have got to this stage and not got any further it also sounds like he is scared of commitment. If you love your boyfriend like you say you do and you want things to work then you need to sit down and talk to him. Be honest about how you feel and ask him why he is not ready to comitt. Communication is key in a relationship and if he is not willing to talk and work things out then the relationship has run its course.

I would also say that you need to be single for a bit before getting in to another relationship and also do you want to run the chance of falling out with your friend and loosing your friendship with him. You could work out with him which will be great but things may also not which means you would loose a friend and a boyfriend.

I think that you also need to be single for a while so that you can re discover your self, have some fun, get a hobby, get some friends and enjoy your life. Being single is good sometimes and everyone has to do it!

I hope this helps!

[LoveHurts09]

yh living for urself after 3 years of living for ur bf is a good plan.

as for hurting him, no breakup is easy, it'll still hurt u even if ur the one breaking it off.... just have to be strong and know that in the long run it's best for both of u. (if u decide that ofcourse)

like i said, no1 can tell u what to do and that includes ur bf, u have to make ur choices.

the friend should be happy to wait if he's serious about making a go of it with u afterall

[PollyAnna011]

Thanks Jadelil25 anf Lovehurts09. you guys have given me some incredible advice, and really helped! i do appreciate it, and i think talking about first will be best. i know he will never change, so i will tell him how i feel, and take it from there!

[alovehangoverr]

This problem seems to come up a lot.

Listen, don't break up with your boyfriend because there may or may not be someone else-- break up with your boyfriend because you're not happy and if something like marriage/kids is important to you in the near future and he isn't interested in it, that's a legitimate dealbreaker.

As for this other guy? There's a really good chance he seems so appealing because you're unconsciously using him as an out for your current relationship. There's also a really REALLY good chance that he seems greater than he might actually be because he's offering you things he knows you want that your current boyfriend isn't fulfilling. My advice on this? Don't jump into a relationship with him right away.. give yourself time to break up with you boyfriend, get over the last 3 years, etc, before getting into another relationship. If you jump in right after the breakup you'll be rebounding and there's a good chance you'll realize he's not really what you wanted, just the most convenient at the time.