How I dealt with my broken heart and a broken relationship...

[SelfLove]

It's been nearly 5 months since my ex broke up with me, and honestly that was probably one of the most painful experiences I've ever gone through in my life(I've gone through many tough life experiences). Anyone who has ever had a broken heart can relate. So what I'd like to do is list the things that I've done in the past months to help heal.

1. Grieve. I allowed myself to mourn the death of the relationship. In my opinion it's no different than losing a loved one to death. You greive the loss and the time with them that you'll miss out on... never seeing or hearing from them again. This was very hard for me to accept that she has chosen to move on with her life. Part of me was still attached to her emotionally and to have that connection severed I felt as if I lost the love of my life. I allowed myself in private to go to an empty room and vent my anger, cry my eyes out, and allow myself to feel the pain. It's important to feel this rather than hide it inside. The sooner you confront it the better.

2. Seek support. I was at a very vulnerable time in my life so I knew it was important to talk about my feelings to someone. I was grateful for the different perspective I was given by someone who was experienced in relationships. I always felt better after sessions. After 4 months my counselor saw a huge improvement and therefore gave me the option to end treatment. Now some will take longer or shorter. Don't feel bad if you have to talk for an entire year before you feel able enough to move on. For those of you without insurance you still do not have an excuse for not getting help. I don't have insurance and was able to talk with a counselor through a nonprofit organization. There is help out there for everyone.

3. Pamper yourself. I purchased a new guitar, new shirts, new watch, immersed myself in a new hobby... whatever it took to express myself and appreciate/value my life. I'm not saying go out and max your credit card or empty your bank account and splurge, but within reason go ahead and pamper yourself. Right now you are the most important person in your life.

4. No contact. Having contact with your ex after the break up will ALWAYS back fire on you. I had made several attempts after my break up to keep in touch with my ex, and each time leaving me in so much pain. The most recent attempt was contacting my ex on facebook only to find out she is engaged to another guy only 4 months after our break up. One can only imagine the pain and hurt I felt from that. So whatever you do... DO NOT contact her via phone, email, facebook, etc. Let her/him go.

5. Forgive. I chose to forgive my ex for the hurt she caused in me... for the lies... for the betrayal... and so on. Then I chose to forgive myself for being a part of that. When you forgive you are not letting the person off the hook for their actions, you are freeing yourself from holding onto bitterness and hatred that will only consume you in the long run.

6. Get positive. Having a negative attitude will only dampen your outlook on life. Just because someone walked out on you doesn't mean someone else who is better won't walk in. So much of life is perspective. I began affirming in myself all my good qualities... all the people in my life that still love me for who I am... all the good memories that make me very fortunate for the life I have. So much of positive thinking is you reorganizing yourself internally.

7. Not alone. I realized that what I went through was something that many people experience. I'm not the only guy who was dumped by their ex for another man... a man in which tshe eventually marries. It happens. It's life. There are probably millions of people in this world who have gone through a loss just as painful. I had to relate to the pain others feel in their relationships, and realize that most if not all relationships are a struggle at some point.

8. Welcome change. Life goes on and before you know it you will be focused on something totally different. Remember that this heart break is only temporary. You need to allow time in between to heal this. Be patient. Never give up. Yes, a door was closed in your life... a person walked out on you, but that doesn't mean you are a bad person or should now decide that your life is over. Change is always taking place in life. See this as another opportunity for you to grow and move forward in life.

Hope this helps.

[JadenMia]

Thankyou so much for this. I broke up with my ex quite a while ago and i dont think im dealing well with anything yet, i dont even think i have greived the loss of him, kind of feels like i am in space..floating...lost.
This is great advice and pointers for people like myself. Thanks

[jen91]

Amazing advice! It is absolutely like grieving the loss of someone and one of the most painful things we all have to deal with. But you've proven that it does eventually get better.

[SelfLove]

Thankyou so much for this. I broke up with my ex quite a while ago and i dont think im dealing well with anything yet, i dont even think i have greived the loss of him, kind of feels like i am in space..floating...lost.
This is great advice and pointers for people like myself. Thanks

I suggest starting a journal or another way for you to express all the stored feelings, anger, guilt, sadness you may have. Perhaps you may decide to express it verbally when in private. You may find yourself yelling and swearing about what the person did or didn't do, or you may find yourself completed engulfed in tears sobbing for your loss. What you have to understand is that those emotions are quite normal. The funny thing is I got to a point in this process where I actually looked forward to going home that night and crying... Why? Because I knew I'd feel better afterwards.

I will also say this much... I feel like a new person... a stronger person... a more aware and wise person. I figured I could either allow this event to make or break me. It's weird how one so called "unfair event" can drive a person to an absolute breaking point in life, but even weirder how that same event can also be the single best contributor to a person discovering themselves. If I was meant to be with that person then I would, however, I'm not and I've chosen to invest this time now into myself to heal and become more aware of what it is in life that makes me happy. Funny how it isn't someone else who makes me happy. No, what makes me happy is recognizing that I'm a good man with many talents and gifts to offer the world.

You are a strong woman. You will come out of this experience a more mature and enlightened individual. Give yourself time.

[SelfLove]

Amazing advice! It is absolutely like grieving the loss of someone and one of the most painful things we all have to deal with. But you've proven that it does eventually get better.

Thank you. I enjoy the feedback. I'm a firm believer that we can learn from everything in life. Those lessons that are learned should be shared with those who are going through something similar. Again it's in realizing that you are not alone in the grieving process. I'm glad to help!

[machine88]

The advice you listed is really good and I know will help me in my time of need

[JadenMia]

I suggest starting a journal or another way for you to express all the stored feelings, anger, guilt, sadness you may have. Perhaps you may decide to express it verbally when in private. You may find yourself yelling and swearing about what the person did or didn't do, or you may find yourself completed engulfed in tears sobbing for your loss. What you have to understand is that those emotions are quite normal. The funny thing is I got to a point in this process where I actually looked forward to going home that night and crying... Why? Because I knew I'd feel better afterwards.

I will also say this much... I feel like a new person... a stronger person... a more aware and wise person. I figured I could either allow this event to make or break me. It's weird how one so called "unfair event" can drive a person to an absolute breaking point in life, but even weirder how that same event can also be the single best contributor to a person discovering themselves. If I was meant to be with that person then I would, however, I'm not and I've chosen to invest this time now into myself to heal and become more aware of what it is in life that makes me happy. Funny how it isn't someone else who makes me happy. No, what makes me happy is recognizing that I'm a good man with many talents and gifts to offer the world.

You are a strong woman. You will come out of this experience a more mature and enlightened individual. Give yourself time.

Thankyou
I as doing very well at first, i went no contact with him, i had a lot going on in my life, i moved house and all that jazz so my mind was kept occupied. I think when everything came to a stop and i got back into my usual routine i lost sight of what i needed to do, i started texting him again. Now it has come to me texting him full of hate.. how hurt i am etc.. I feel i have lost my sanity and it wont stop!!
I think the journal could help, i have never tried a writing anything like that so i am not sure how i effective it would be for me. Worth a try.
I hope in time i feel the positive outcome of this, i KNOW it was the best thing that could have happened between us, our relationship was toxic and he would have never left me.. Just would keep hurting me over and over. So i had to leave and now i feel its my fault i feel like this if that makes sense... Not like my usual way of breakup where i can think, 'there is nothing i could do about it'.. I feel like i have brought it on myself .. But at the time i saw no other choice.

I like to come here and vent out my problems, but there is only so many times people can listen to our problems. lol

Thanks again for the great advice!! Its nice to read through and helps give me positivity.

[SelfLove]

Thankyou
I as doing very well at first, i went no contact with him, i had a lot going on in my life, i moved house and all that jazz so my mind was kept occupied. I think when everything came to a stop and i got back into my usual routine i lost sight of what i needed to do, i started texting him again. Now it has come to me texting him full of hate.. how hurt i am etc.. I feel i have lost my sanity and it wont stop!!
I think the journal could help, i have never tried a writing anything like that so i am not sure how i effective it would be for me. Worth a try.
I hope in time i feel the positive outcome of this, i KNOW it was the best thing that could have happened between us, our relationship was toxic and he would have never left me.. Just would keep hurting me over and over. So i had to leave and now i feel its my fault i feel like this if that makes sense... Not like my usual way of breakup where i can think, 'there is nothing i could do about it'.. I feel like i have brought it on myself .. But at the time i saw no other choice.

I like to come here and vent out my problems, but there is only so many times people can listen to our problems. lol

Thanks again for the great advice!! Its nice to read through and helps give me positivity.

Sounds like you went through a period of reflection and realized that the relationship wasn't right for you. Now you are venting. Both are very good steps one should take towards recovery. However, it's important that you don't take full responsibility for the relationship coming to an end. A relationship is always mutual, and the other person is just as responsible. In this case there is no need for guilt or regret. You seemingly made the right decision because you knew it was "toxic", but of course the emotions are now catching up with you. Just allow yourself the time now to feel what you are feeling, keep no contact meaning no txting, and in time you will begin to feel a change for the better. You will be more at peace with it. Trust me.

[SelfLove]

The advice you listed is really good and I know will help me in my time of need

I'm glad it has helped you. Stay strong.

[SelfLove]

I wanted to update everyone on my personal progress. Also, I feel that this post can be a continued support for all of those experiencing difficult break ups. It's been nearly 7 months since my break up, and I can honestly say that the pain has healed. I felt a tremendous sense of progress at the 5 month mark. I do believe that if people follow the steps I outlined in this post they will be able to heal whatever heart ache their break up has caused them. It's not to say that occasionally I do not think of my ex, but when I do it doesn't cause pain, rather, I'm totally unaffected by the thoughts... more or less I am in a neutral state. I went from being in the most terrible heart felt pain I've ever experienced, to overcoming the pain and ultimately healing myself. I feel like a more mature and revitalized individual. Thanks to these steps.

[IndiReloaded]

Good post. Bold the 'no contact' part, seems to be the one most ppl have trouble with.

[Dank]

Yeah thanks for the advice i'm going through this :/