Boyfriend acting differently after nearly 2 years

[daisychick]

Hello all,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just under 2 years, and recently things have been different. We are in a "long distance" relationship, being about an hour apart, and working in 2 different cities/states. We met before I moved and said that we would keep the relationship going, and for the first more than a year after moving things were great. We have often talked of marriage, and after a little suggestive talk on my behalf, went to look at engagement rings in April. Although I did find one that I really liked, I made it clear to him that he did not need to buy it. He did. It was on sale, and I really liked it, so he bought it.

Now it's, 7 months later, and that ring is still no where to be seen. He has told me that he would propose by the end of the year, but that won't be happening. I asked recently if he would be proposing before New Years, and he said most likely not. He said he doesn't feel ready. He tells me that he loves me, and he wants to marry me some day, but that he is in no rush to get married. He keeps telling me that he's tired of the distance (he has been in 2 very long distance relationships in the past). I have told him that once he proposes I will start looking for jobs back up near where he lives, but that I am not going to move up there with no certainty of the future between us. I think that this is a valid and rationale decision on my behalf.

He also keeps telling me that he feels like he wants to do things on his own recently. I've asked him to explain, but he can't really. He said he never gets to see his friends, and he wants to do things alone. I don't keep him from his friends at all. Most of them have moved away from their hometown, and it would be more involved than a phone call to meet up for dinner and drinks after work. We do see each other every weekend (with the exception of 4 weekends in 2 years), but I'm not opposed to doing our own things if that is what the plans are.

I'm just really not sure what is going on or what to do. We have been bickering more as of late, and I feel much more on edge about things. We have plans through the holidays this year, and he even said today on the phone, that with this being the holidays it's a horrible time for him to be feeling like this. I fear that in some ways, he is going to get through the holidays, then leave me, so as to not ruin everyone's holiday.

Would he have really bought the ring if he didn't want to marry me? That seems like a LOT of money to waste on a not sure thing. I would like to be married, and might be pushing it, but I'm not in a huge rush. I think I want the security of knowing that I will be marrying him, as opposed to getting married right away. But that is a long way off, as it seems like there are a lot of things that need to be fixed first.

I can guarantee that he is not seeing anyone else. So that is not an acceptable explanation for this behavior. If anyone has any insight for me I would appreciate your input.

[Gypsybell]

Certainly sounds like he's cooling off, but maybe he's just 'backing off' because youare 'closing in'. That is, you are sounding a little desperate and handing out a few ultimatums. Not that I think it is unreasonable on your part to expect to recieve that ring when he bought it with you. But it was a mistake on his part. If he wasn't sure he wanted to marry he shouldn't dangle a ring like a carrot and then hum and hah about it. Personally, if it was me, I'd turn the tables and give him a dose of his own medicine.

The old saying about 'letting something go and if it is meant to be it will return" is valid. He sounds like he's chafing over the confinement of having his weekends all tied up. That's not a good omen for having his life tied to a partner, but it might just be that he needs to feel less channelled and have some leeway for spontanaeity. All relationships hit hohum patches and boredom creeps in. Its not helpful when distance compounds the need for constantly being away from your own place when you have to leave work and go to another town to be with someone. And to assume one has 'had a whole week off the relationship' is not the same as a having week of personal time to them selves, just to kick back and do their own thing.

Do you not feel a little confined by this yourself? Most people would. So if you don't then maybe you are a bit too clingy? Or too focussed on marriage being the goal instead of the quality that you bring to it? Which, hopefully is a spring board to greater achievments you both want fervently, rather than an anchor to tie him down. (So you can burden him with supplying your stable situation) and the next step is kids, right?. Whichever way you look at it, marriage is commitment big time and you need to be pretty sure you're ready for it. So he needs to come williingly and ask when he's ready, that will be when he feels happy to be with you. Bickering will get you nowhere. Nor will emotional blackmail.

Space is about the only thing worth trying. Back off (willingly and pleasantly) and give him all the room he wants to see his mates, and whatever else he is using for an excuse to just be his own person for a while. That's usually all that's needed.

Just as you only need the security of knowing he loves you and you are heading for marriage, Maybe he only needs to know that marriage is not a goal sentence. And he doesn't get that feeling when he hasn't got any free time, even before you marry him.
Yes, I kow this is not so much you, as the distance thing, but it is what it is, a problem you need to solve. Ultimatums don't work either, that's just more pressure. No, the only way to get what you need is to give what is needed. And the time to have faith in your relationship is right now. If you will move for this man, then do it sooner. Meanwhile, tell him you have things you want to do for yourself too, so you think its a good idea. Get all enthusiastic about what you are going to do with your 'you' time. And relax, odds are he'll miss your sweet self once he has enough time to breathe. (by the way its not unusual for a man to buy a ring early, just a mistake to let on, but he loved you when he did it, so think back to that time and try to get back to how you both were) Good luck.

[MerryH]

and might be pushing it

You might be pushing it? Damn, girl. Even I started to shift in my seat a little and feel smothered just reading that. And I'm not even a man who fears commitment. He bought you a ring because you highly suggested it. Then you ask, "Well, are you going to propose already or not?" And then when he tells you he's tired of the long distance, you use it as leverage! "No, we won't move closer unless you propose!" Dude! I understand that you want some reassurance that this is a forever thing and not just a fun casual thing or whatever, but you seem to be holding this over his head and kind of manipulating him into proposing. Is that really how you want it to happen? "Propose, or else?" No.

As far as him wanting to see his friends more, that's not a bad thing. You should both have a social life outside each other. It's healthy. But with the increased bickering and all? I don't know. Maybe it all comes back around to you being too pushy with the proposal thing and smothering him. No idea. That's up to you to figure out. Ask him.