The guy I dated was looking for girls on Match. I dumped him - right decision??

[DanielleLA]

Well, this is a little long, I know. Sorry.

I met a guy on Match.com 3 weeks ago. He emailed me a lot, was very sweet and we met a week later. Our first date was great and we both thought that we had great chemistry. We slept together on our second date and we both said that we are dating. I trusted him and I thought he liked me but I was a little suspicious because he still logged on to several different dating sites every day. When I mentioned it jokingly he said that he just does it when he gets an email from there to his regular account. He said that he isn't actively looking because he already found the best girl on there.

On our last date on Friday he told me that he had missed me and that he likes me. We had a great time and he asked me to spend the night because he likes waking up next to me. We had a great night and a great next day.
Well, when I got home I saw that he was online again. We had just slept together again and I had just left an hour ago. It really hurt me and I thought now I just have to know. So I signed up on Match, created a fake profile without a picture and emailed him an innocent little "Hey, how is it going?"

He emailed right back. I told him that I have to ask him right away if he is currently single and completely unattached since I've heard some bad stories. I asked him to be honest and even if he is seeing someone it's ok and we can still chat. His reply was that he is "very much single". He said that he's been out on 1 date with someone a week ago (lie), that the date wasn't great and that he just isn't feeling the chemistry (WTF?). I emailed him back and told him about a story that I heard about a guy who just had sex with the girl he was dating and went right back on match after she left. His reply was that he agrees that this was bad on that guy's part but that he doesn't compare to him (!!) and that she doesn't have to worry. He said it was just one date and he didn't have sex. (!!)

I was shocked. I stopped by at his place that same evening to dump him. I told him that I can't do this because I can't trust him. He was totally hurt and shocked. He said that we had such a great time and that he thought we are dating and everything was going great. I didn't say what I did because I wanted to hear what he had to say first. I only said that my intuition tells me that he is looking around for other girls. He said that he has never given me any reason not to trust him, that he was always available when I called and wanted to see him or when I just stopped by. He also said that it's Saturday night and he is home (I was on my way to a party and just stopped by to dump him) and if he wanted to meet girls he would be out there.

He also said that he tried but can't take his profile off match (yeah, sure) and that his membership expires in May anyway. And that he trusts me too when I go out without him all the time. He said that lack of trust is a big issue and that he thinks if I don't trust him now I never will. He told me again about how he has been cheated on and hurt in the past and that he wouldn't do that himself.

He said that if we are still together in a while from now we will have a committed relationship since he is into committments and not casual things (it's true, he always had long-term relationships and has even been married, but his ex-gfs and even his wife cheated on him). He said he would fight for me but he thinks if I don't trust him there isn't really anything he can do. He looked me straight in the eye and said all those things and I don't know why but I thought I'll give him another chance. Before I left we said that our status hasn't changed and that we'll just take it one step at a time and that we would talk on the phone the next day (he made me promise to call him).

The next day he sent an email to this girl (me) saying that she doesn't have to worry anymore because he and that girl he was on that date with decided that they were in a different place and now they won't be seeing each other anymore. He asked her if she was still interested and said that he hopes to hear from hear soon. WTF?!

So I thought that's it. I called him, he didn't pick up, I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back although he knew it was me and we had said that we would talk on the phone. So I sent him an email again from that fake girls email account on match and this time I revealed that it's me. I reminded him of the things he told that girl and how he lied about me. I called him a liar a bunch of times and made it clear how disgusted I am. The email sounded very final and didn't ask for a response.

Well, and now I'm sitting here wondering if I did the right thing. I felt that he liked and me and I thought we had something special going on. Maybe he was just flirting around to get a little ego boost? He said a bunch of times that I'm out of his league (which is kind of true, haha) and that he was so lucky that he met me and I don't think he was really looking for someone better than me. But then again chances are high that this wasn't the only time since he is on a few sites and he emailed back to that girl (me) right away and pretended to be single and all that without even having seen a pic of her.

Should I have been more tolerant since it's only been 3 weeks of dating? We never said that we were exclusive. He just said that he isn't actively looking for someone else, that he likes me, that I'm fun and that he can't wait to see me again and I believed him. Should I have sat down and talk to him about what I found out and given him a chance to explain and apologize?

I mean it would have been ok for me if he had told me that he wants to keep looking and wants to keep his options open. We could have continued to date casually and I just would have stopped sleeping with him. But he lied to me about it and he lied to that other girl (me) about me to get her interested.
However, it was me who provoked it. And he probably only told that girl that it was completely over now with me because he was hurt that I don't trust him because before I told him that I don't trust him everything was perfectly ok between us (except that he had emailed that girl).

Did I ruin a potentially good thing? What should I do? Please help me, I feel like I can't think straight right now.

[HeyYouGuy]

Wow.... I see lots of wrong here. Ok well first off, no he should not have been flirting with other girls. But then also you do not know if he was looking for anything serious. I would have just talked to him after the first email and told him to leave match alone or there was not a chance for each other. Seemed kind of wrong to keep on the messages.

I do not know enough about you both to determine this full and neither does anyone else on the forum no matter how confident they may sound. But if you do think there is something to be salvaged then tell him that you want to be together and for him to leave match alone and all other dating sites for the time you are together. But if you don’t think there is a chance then I guess all that has been said has been said..

I hope it all works out whatevor you choos to do .

[pinkpuca84]

first of all, i see ALOT of wrong doings here:

1) you meet someone from some match.com, and sleep with him after 2nd meeting????? whoa...THATS definitely the first mistake. u dont know who he really is, and i suspect u didnt do much "research" about him before u consider taking such "relationship" to the next level. i'm very surprised.

2) u created a fake profile, and "caught" him right handed, u HAVE all the VALID proof, all u have to do is give it to him straight away, and LEAVE !!! why did u even think about giving him a second chance? i dont understand this. By this time i would have left and i wont forget slapping him on his face.

3) he pretended to be single and acting available for girls, even those who dont even have a pic on her profile?? can u imagine what he would respond to other profiles WITH pics? WITH pretty pics? hhrrr....i cant imagine what he'll say and do! so scary. mean it or not, what he did is DISGUSTING.

4) u said: "
Should I have been more tolerant since it's only been 3 weeks of dating?" the answer is : "NO" you should have been alot MORE intolerant in the first 3 days of dating. yes...it's harsh. but thats me..i dont tolerate such stupid behaviors by guys. i dont take second best, neither should u.

5) u said "Did I ruin a potentially good thing?" the answer is "NO"...u only ruin a potentially the WORST thing. and thats a good thing!

sory i have to say all these harsh things, but u have to know the facts, and step out of this bad relationship. this is not real. u would end up getting hurt, cos i see that he is just a stupid guy, playing smart, and he's not worth ur time. u will miss out on good guys out there. i know it's hard for u, but i dont think u should hold on to a guy who is just a sweet talker, liar, and likes to muck around with girls. it's just not right. stop making excuses for him. it's not for his ego boost. it's a stupidity, and cheating. he likes getting attention. and clearly, attention from u is not enough. he wants to get it from ALL girls. he will say WHATEVER, and do anything to conceal his acts, this shows that he is not mature, just like a little kid lying to his parents that he didnt eat the cookie, but it's clear that he has the cookie crumbs all over his mouth. it's the same. this guy doesnt know what real love is about. it makes me so sick. save urself from getting hurt later girl, u deserve so much better guy.

[vashti]

Never assume you are exclusively dating a man until he SAYS you are exclusive. Until that is settled, you have no right to expect it from him, and he has every right to be looking for other girls. And don't be sleeping with strangers on the second date. Good relationships take TIME to develop.

[Gigabitch]

I hope this has already occured to you: you need to get your fool ass to a clininc and get tested for STDs right now. I mean right now.

Use the time you are waiting for your results to re-think your life, and ask yourself how in the world you could ever have become the kind of girl who would second-guess dumping a Grade A Loser like this guy.

Does Match have some kind of warning system? Do you think it should?

[Ellynn]

Yeah your biggest mistake was sleeping with him right away....(hey, I know how it goes, I've been there before once. Big Mistake and It will never happen again!) But the sad thing is....if you rush something like that without really knowing the person...your gonna get hurt. Think of all the risks involved....especially getting pregnant by someone you barely know or STD's.

I know it hurt me alot.... and I learned the hard way. (Thankfully I was ok)

But, You should not be doubting yourself for what you did. You found out that this guy was just lying to you and keeping his options open for something better that might come along. That alone tells you something. (BTW, creative idea....I have done something like that myself.)

Don't doubt yourself and what you want! If you feel what he did was wrong, then chances are its not gonna work out with him. At least he should have been honest with u, that hes not looking for anything serious. Then you would have known and not been so quick to rush things.

Match.com does work for some, but you have to be cautious. Take your time and really get to know these guys first.

[bluesummer]

Don't think for a second this guy deserves a second chance or that you should've given him a chance to explain and apologize. He is a liar.

In fact, judging on his behaviour I would doubt the validity of his mentioning to you that he's been cheated on in past relationships.......I would dare say he is the cheater, and thinks he knows how to manipulate women. Trust me on this.

My ex was lying to my face about seeing another girl behind my back, even though I had solid proof. He honestly thought I'd never catch him, and he could just have his fun both ways......and it sounds exactly like what this guy was doing to you. Don't talk to him ever again. He deserves nothing but a good kick in the ass!