Help>porn addiction? low,self esteem issues

[teacher37]

hi. ive been looking for this place! my boyfriend ans I have been together 3 yrs..lived together with our 5 children (from previous marriages) and have had, what I thought was, a great relationship. we agree on parenting issues, he is great to my kids and tries hard to show me how much he.d do anything for me. So heres my dilemma....about 6 mos ago I noticed his internet usage on his phone,went up about five fold.....and kept going up. he spet hours on his phone in the garage and was always on facebook looking at people, etc. he kept keeoing his phone away from me...so I hacked into his fb acct and saw hed been having an online relationship wi th a much older woman in another state. they met playing poker online. I was floored because his ex cheated and he said cheaters are gutless losers and I thought he never would. he explained after a broken marraige he had low self esteem issues and it was all a game to him....yet they talked,about meeting halfway when he had planned a trip..that didnt happen. he is always home after work..never goes out or does anything. anyway, I put a monitor on his phone and found he was looking at porntube from 7 am until he got home and sometimes in the garage or bathroom. he wasnt talking to anyone after the incident and it was considered dropped. after weeks of spying he went on craigslist a few times to look at casual encounters....i lost it and gave away what I was doing (dumb) he said its boredom and curiousity...he doesnt have it in him to ever cheat and he spends all his spare time with our famiky. I feel like now hes not talking to some women and has to look at thmem tofeel better.he will have sex every night with my initiative but ot on his own initiative. I have tried to not initiate for a cpl nights,and he noticed and keepa asking whats wrong. I have been short with him and confused about what this all means to him. he told me last time to xut off his data...i did but he can access wifi all the day..so its no help. my big question is..should I demand he get a phone without internet access? we are supposed to be building trust bck..but if he keeps,clearing his cache on the phone so I cant see his porn usage, isnt that hiding things from me,still??how do I explain that all of thi is hurtful..as you can see..this isnt a typical guy surfing porn periodically..he has an adiction amnd that ends up ruining relationships how do I explain this to him? I know if I approach it catiously he WILL stop..but he gets defensive that he has no life outside of me and obviously isnt doing anything. i want to help him to help himself by taking away the problem....i am feeling desolate keeping this to myself and I need cloaure on his issues before we move forward in our relationship. sorry about sp and grammae..my phine sucks. thanks!

[devonbrown]

Personally, I think the both of you should seek professional counseling. If he does have an addiction, it can be dealt with there. And your trust issues can also be dealt with there. It isn't the sexiest of advice, but having an objective third party to look at things might help.

Good luck.

[teacher37]

I suggested that..he declined,because he is sure a counselor will tell me to leave him...but I said its not what either of us want...soooo....we have alot vested in this relationship...but I found porn on his,phone again this wkd..altjough hes usually deleting it immediately...we were out of town and he snuck awsy for 20 mins to watch it?! lol wow this,phone,sucks at typing..sorry. I know if I ask him to do something...besides THAT, he will. we are so busy with all of our kids,idk when wed have time! anything else? how,do I approach this wi th him??

[smackie9]

What are you going to do? kidnap him at gun point and take him to therapy? I suggest you get out of this relationship because he has emotionally already left it.

[teacher37]

umm..definately not. he let me call the girl he facebooked..deleted his fb, as embarassing as that would be...and sd hed do anything for me..but is so afraid of losing what,we have.he thinks a counselor would tell me to leave. he WAS living a separate life during the day..chatting with her to build self esteem and looking at porn..because of the high, I guess? cyberspace is the devil sometimes for people..wouldnt you agree? he does many things daily for me and our children amd honestly..if he wasnt hidimg his phone..i wouldnt have known..i didnt feel less loved at all. will it happen again? he,swears not. I watched his phone with spyware for a,month..it was all porn. did I ask him never to look at porn again? NO. when I told him that I knew abt the porn too he told me to take,away,his data. but he is,still using it..some days,not at all..others a cpl times a day. never at home. he is home every night with me..having sex with me...our sex,life is really good when we arent exhausted from work..etc.but I cant get other reasons,out of my mind if he doesnt want to have sex for some reason..but if I initiate he rarely turns,it down..its,almost daily...so theres,more info..what,do u think now?