he won't acknowledge me upset over ex

[highlysensitive]

My boyfriend of 1 year (friends for longer. He loves me. I love him. The future for us looks bright and sunny) but he refuses ‘point blank’ to understand why I get so upset about what I see as a problem.

He works with his exGF. She lives quite close. He gives her lifts to and from work. His mum also does the same, as she works with them too. They’re like a cosy family unit for 9 hours a day. I find myself inconsolable whenever I see her or find evidence of her in the car.

He loves me greatly, and she’s no threat from his point of view, despite whatever’s in her head. I know she’s an ex for a reason. She won’t get a look in now. I KNOW that.

But whenever I bring up how upset it makes me he just gets angry and refuses to understand. I’m NOT telling him how to live his life or what to do. He just will NOT acknowledge my feelings at all and calls me silly for feeling like this, then gets angry and moody.

To 90% of people I’m sure this is tiny issue teenagers deal with and to grow up and not to get worked up about. However, after crying in the loos at work this morning over it and the fact she won’t go away after all this time, clearly it affects me.

Do I just say ‘I can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect my feelings’ and leave? I 100% don’t want to but it affects me beyond words. I can't make her get another job. I can't stop them being nice people and offering someone a lift. I can't stop it upsetting me though.

[Bumble_bee]

I do not think his reaction to your insecurity is justified, yes insecure partners can be quite trying, but at the same time, If he does not acknowledge by putting himself in your shoes, how this situation makes you feel then I see a very insensitive man. The least he could do is be re-assuring rather than defensive, sounds to me like he is getting defensive because he doesn't want you to shake up this cosy arrangement.

But then you say yuor sure, and you know he loves you etc....so in fact you need to do your best to get over it.

[Yggdrasil]

But whenever I bring up how upset it makes me he just gets angry and refuses to understand. I’m NOT telling him how to live his life or what to do. He just will NOT acknowledge my feelings at all and calls me silly for feeling like this, then gets angry and moody.

His problem is a typical male problem. He's not LISTENING to you.

He's trying to 'fix' the problem, by saying things like: you're silly, you're over reacting, you're blowing it out of proportions, etc. Then he gets angry because he realizes his fixing method doesn't work.

But meanwhile, he isn't LISTENING. Maybe have him read the book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. It may open his eyes.

[LoveHurts09]

so what do u want him to say? i take it he was already in this situation when u started seeing him? this isn't his problem - it's urs, i dont think u should split up with but just stop worrying about it, if ur honestly worrying so much about it and also saying ur going to leave him... where's the sense? ur going to leave him cos u care too much?

just relax and learn to trust him, if u can't then ur right - u shouldnt be together, it's not fair on either of u.

[Gigabitch]

Can you work there too?

[lizzy_09]

Can you work there too?

Good one, Gigabitch.

If both sexes know how to think, move and feel, then they’ll understand why we don’t see eye–to–eye.

Women release stress by talking about it and expect complete attention and care while men withdraw and detach for a moment. Don’t feel hurt if he seem to ignore you. Keeping to themselves is what they’re used too. This is where our coping mechanism differ from men when it comes to dealing with problems.

Men instinctively offer solutions when women are upset and complain about the problems their confronting. When the actual truth is that all we want is comfort,encouragement and well reassurance.

I agree with Yggdrasil. You should let him read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

[Brooklyn Rose]

I know just how you feel. My boyfriend is living on the block with the woman he was in love with before him and I got together. And they're "friends" for some reason. BUT, it was because of her misleading friendship that him and I didn't get together sooner. So I have resentment for her that goes beyod her being an "ex".
What is it about this woman that makes you feel so off? Maybe you need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him that you're just upset because this woman is supposed to be part of his PAST and he is NOT doing all that he can to keep her there! If his family is including her and they're all "cozy" which isn't neccessary, then there is still a connection to her and who knows what she's thinking about YOUR relationship.
If you DO trust him, see if you can tell him that this is more than just about understanding your feelings, this is about your future with him and about him putting his past in the past. It's not neccessary for him to be so nice to her - I don't care if she lived upstairs from you guys, he needs to understand that YOU are part of his future and you cannot marry someone who does not accept or validate your feelings....