female friends

[Virag]

Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this forum and I would liket to share my story with you as I am hopeless,can't get over my break up.
I started dating my boyfriend 9 month ago.I was at that confused,but he was so into me,he never gave up that after a short while I fell in love with him.We had that special thing..we clicked,we loved each other.
A couple of month into our relationship..I guess when I was sure I fell in love with him..I started to get jealous of his female friends.He is a very friendly guy and has just as many male friends than female.I tried to put up with old friends and never asked him not to talk to female mates anymore,but I did tell him it is strange when he hangs out with them just the two of them as it felt a bit unrespectful towards me.He did listen and try to change,but soon he complained he misses the female friends and he even said he would like to feel that he can invite his female friend(s) to his place for watching movies.I really did not like the suggestion...even if it is just a friend..picturing the two of them watching films in his flat while I'm at work...I thought it was something I would never do to him.
We ended up having fights...I assume his best friend told him I am trying to controll him too much.As a result of one fight we had a break just before xmas.It took only a couple of days,but he told me on xmas day that one of his female friends is spending the xmas with him.As he appologized I made my peace with this and the three of us spent some days together.I felt a bit weird about it though.2 month later another female friend came over to visit and they went away to the mountains for a weekend for skiing.I did tell him my opinion but I moved on...
I assume the insecurity just grew inside me and we carried on fighting over new female friends inviting him for dinner lunch etc.As these girls were friends with his best friend,ditching them would mean not to hang out with his best buddy.I never wanted this,but I just didn't like he is developing friendship with these girls (I am talking about single female girls,who have reputation)...I got more and more upset and reacted really angry sometimes.3 weeks ago he decided to break up with me because of my angry behaviour....I am heartbroken and couldn't think of anything else but how could I have done things differently...should I have put up with these things and trust that he loves me enough...?
We decided to stay friends and we were both afraid to have a final closure....we stayed in touch intensively the first week...I went away hoping distance will help...but we kind of lost contact....I'm afraid that he is moving on although all I want is another chance...to prove him I'm not crazily jealous....or is this something other girls would have fighted about too?I can't see things clear...I would appreciate any advice....Thanks

[smackie9]

Yes he has moved on, for he has no real reason to stay in touch any more because your relationship is over and for quite sometime now. Time to face reality and move on with your life. Find a BF that doesn't have female friends.

[Saya]

Having female friends are ok, but by reading about your story... I think that is way too much!
If that happened to me then I would be upset/angry as well.
I mean, he may only see them as a friend and nothing more, but his female friends might have more feelings than he does...
I think that you should just move on since you two have lost contact with each other.
If he still loves you and cares about you then he would contact you and not lose contact from each other.

[sadie_genie]

He is not in the wrong for having friends who are girls but you are also not wrong for being uncomfortable with that. Some people are okay with that sort of thing and other are not. You two are just not compatible.

[elleda]

click my profile and read my first coupple of posts. it's this exact scenario that drove me here for advice as well.

just leave him, love.

your story rang SO TRUE to me as well. he broke up with me before too for my reaction to him and his girlfriends blatantly disrespecting my feelings. i also soon discovered that he had a history of emotional cheating ie going to his female friends and complaining about his girl and hanging out with them to "escape" and bitch and moan. so horrible.

the thing that pissed me off the most was that he told me that he never had conflicts with his girlfriends (some of which were exes that he claimed to be best friends with) but that with me it was mostly only stress and drama. that made me feel really bad until i realized that he did or said NOTHING to them about altering their relationship now that i was in the picture, but he defending them to me saying that i had to deal with it and stop being jealous! he put NO expectations to them at all, it was all on me and he wondered why i was the only one reacting badly.

dump him, dump him. dump him. don't let him explain.

it's so hard though. i know, i'm in the middle of it myself. be strong !

[Virag]

Sometimes I think he did those things (xmas,going away for a couple of days) just to prove something..as I was jealous over "nothing" (at least to him it seemed nothing and as you said it probably wasn't him who had feelings for these girls)...maybe he just wanted to give me reason to be jealous for...which is also childish of course and if you love someone you should understand their point of view and not to "take revenge".
He did send me an e-mail even a couple of days ago what I've been up to,but when a few days later I asked him if he was doing ok,he didn't reply...We were really close in this last 9 month and it's extremely hard not to know about him.I have to go back soon too and we live very close to each other.

[Virag]

It seems to me that he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself,totally trying to ruin your confidence in this relationship.I do understand when people need to discuss their problems with friends,but I'm not sure if putting you down in fron of these friends would help your relationship.
The same happened to me....my ex basically told her female friends that I'm jealous of them and it was really uncomfortable for me as we all work togehter.They soon started to ignore me,I got upset..then he told his best friend about our problems..which is fair enough,I discussed with my best friends..but then the best friend not just suggested him to break up with me but also told us about these female friends.I'm not sure exactly he wasn't private enough about this,but I definietly didn't have a good time hanging out with them together, felt like they knew everything....I might have become a bit too paranoid as well.

[Virag]

Yes he has moved on, for he has no real reason to stay in touch any more because your relationship is over and for quite sometime now. Time to face reality and move on with your life. Find a BF that doesn't have female friends.

I don't hate you of course and you are probably right and it would be easier to move on if I took things like that too.I just don't understand why he sent me an e-mail asking me how I was which I replied..but when later I asked him he didn't respond.Sometimes it's all twisted that's why it's hard to see where we stand.

[Virag]

hey Everyone,
it might seems silly that I ask your advice even on small things,but as I am too straight forward person I quite frankly have no idea how to read between the lines...So if anyone can open my eyes I would appreciate it...If you followed my story,we exchanged a few e-mails since I left....I guess it's more like checking in just to let each other know that we are alive..I did the same,just asked him if he was ok....when he replied he avoided giving me an answer,he only asked questions..if I'm back,how is it going and what I've been up to...I don't want to overreact or misunderstand anything...my point is that if he would want to just get rid off me he would just answer if he is ok or not and wouldn't ask questions..?Sorry if I seem childish,but I'm all messed up these days.

[davidcz]

Hey,

Hope you're doing okay now.

Seems like he was being disrespectful to you. From my point of view, if he had been meeting them in a neutral place i.e., a cafe or park or a public place then that's fine, but to invite them over for a movie is just disrespectful to you. I understand that people have close friends of the opposite sex whom they confide in but if they love their girlfriend/boyfriend then they should ask their close friends of the opposite sex to take a small step back so that your relationship can have some time and space in which to bloom.

You were not in the wrong, you were understanding of his needs (or at least up until the break) and in my books that requires a certain personality trait i.e, openness and understanding.

[Virag]

Hey,

Hope you're doing okay now.

Seems like he was being disrespectful to you. From my point of view, if he had been meeting them in a neutral place i.e., a cafe or park or a public place then that's fine, but to invite them over for a movie is just disrespectful to you. I understand that people have close friends of the opposite sex whom they confide in but if they love their girlfriend/boyfriend then they should ask their close friends of the opposite sex to take a small step back so that your relationship can have some time and space in which to bloom.

You were not in the wrong, you were understanding of his needs (or at least up until the break) and in my books that requires a certain personality trait i.e, openness and understanding.

hey,thanks for your comment.I still have ups and downs after three month.The only thing because I can't move on because I'm constantly blaming myself...to be honest with you I even had problems with the coffess or lunch,dinner together thing and I expected him to cut back on those too...I didn't give him ultimatum,but I got very insecured....I also felt that he is not treating our issues privately and got a bit paranoid which turned out to be true at the end because later I found out that basically everything I said or did was not a secret in front of anyone....he talked about me behind my back and his friends knew he was going to break up with me before me...I guess he was just not matured enough and I was too insecured....