how do you learn to forgive your ex?

[ashley89]

I've been in the healing process for 2 months now, I'm making good progress but still not completely there. the one thing I'm finding a hard time with is forgiving him. I know that in order to fully get over your ex, you need to forgive them and then you can really let go... but I can't. I'm still angry, I'm still confused and annoyed at the way he broke up with me, and now finding out he's already dating another girl who I actually know and worked with... that adds so much more to the mix. resentment, more anger, questions. I want to forgive hiim for dumping me but I feel like I still can't! when does that point come and how do you go about forgiving someone who caused you so much hurt and pain? it's so hard for me =\

[Ric]

You don't need to forgive them, depending on what they've done. You just need to realize you can do without him. Forgiveness is a possible part, but no necessity.
Perhaps just go out and date others, casually. Having interests in and from other guys can help quite a bit toward recovering.
And after you find yourself liking someone enough, (doesn't have to be enough for an actual relationship, just a little spark is fine), it might be easier to forgive him, as well.

Personally, my girlfriend broke up with me in a weird way, and I thought it would take at least half a year to forgive her and properly move on.
However, I instead got a crush on this girl. I know my love for my ex was 100% real. And I also know my crush on this girl is real, so that does make a difference. But after finding someone new I see potential in, forgiving my ex became a lot easier.

[Horseyguy]

You are blaming him for being the cause of your pain and that's why you can't forgive him, but you're the source of your own pain by choosing to deal with it this way, sure it hurts but that's not his doing!!

All he's done is end the relationship and started a new one with someone else, he's entitled to do that, might hurt you to deal with that but he doesn't need to be forgiven for it does he?

Or are you looking to forgive him for the pain you are choosing to suffer?

[Take2]

I think it helps to focus on what you can control. I spent some time really looking at my part in the relationship dying. And people fussed at me, saying I shouldn't take all the blame or be a martyr. I wasn't. It's just that how he screwed up isn't relevant to my life anymore. How I screwed up is something I need to know and understand so I can grow and avoid those mistakes in the future.

As you look at your mistakes, you may also gain some perspective on his mistakes. Acknowledging you are not perfect makes it easier to forgive another imperfect person for being human. It may also help to stop idealizing this hypothetical happily ever after you may still be clinging to. Really take a critical hard look at who he is and what a REAL forever with him would have looked like. You might find yourself relieved to have dodged that bullet!

[gigigi4]

i think sometimes by focusing on trying to forgive someone who has hurt us, we instead inadvertently focus on that person and the resentment, anger, betrayal, etc that we feel towards that individual. i agree that it might be better to focus your energy elsewhere- it doesn't have to be a crush, but can also be a new activity or something that you're involved in. that way you won't be so stuck on those painful past feelings and experiences.

[xxazurexx]

We just learn to live with it and it gets easier in time. One day we look back and feel no pain, no resentment, etc.

Way it happened for me anyway.

[ashley89]

I don't necessarily mean forgive in the sense that he did something wrong. but more just kind of accept that they did what they did and come to more of an understanding of it. my ex hurt me badly... throughout the relationship and especially with the break-up. I know he has free will and has the choice to leave the relationship, and that was the decision he made. he wasn't happy and if I'm honest with myself, I know that by the end, I wasn't happy either. I'm trying to just get to a point where I can see that he broke up with me for a reason and just kind of let it go... you know what I'm trying to say? forgive the fact that he hurt me and get past this altogether.

[Ric]

I don't necessarily mean forgive in the sense that he did something wrong. but more just kind of accept that they did what they did and come to more of an understanding of it. my ex hurt me badly... throughout the relationship and especially with the break-up. I know he has free will and has the choice to leave the relationship, and that was the decision he made. he wasn't happy and if I'm honest with myself, I know that by the end, I wasn't happy either. I'm trying to just get to a point where I can see that he broke up with me for a reason and just kind of let it go... you know what I'm trying to say? forgive the fact that he hurt me and get past this altogether.

I understand exactly what you're saying, and it's what I was getting at with my point. Forgiveness/acceptance is a lot easier if you can see yourself moving on.
Have a casual interest in someone perhaps? Focus on that. No need to let it go anywhere, but just lose yourself in the feeling of wanting to be with someone else.
Moving on is an important part in acceptance.

Other than that, I can't give much advice. Other than that I guess it's just time that heals.

[ashley89]

I understand exactly what you're saying, and it's what I was getting at with my point. Forgiveness/acceptance is a lot easier if you can see yourself moving on.
Have a casual interest in someone perhaps? Focus on that. No need to let it go anywhere, but just lose yourself in the feeling of wanting to be with someone else.
Moving on is an important part in acceptance.

Other than that, I can't give much advice. Other than that I guess it's just time that heals.

yeah, there are a couple guys I have a slight interest in... nothing serious, but you're right, focusing on someone else and even the thought of other guys helps to distract me from thinking about my ex and realizing that there are plenty of other guys out there who I would be better off with =)