Lack Of Trust, Privacy...And Confidence

[lovelikeburning]

I have an issue.

My boyfriend is pretty much great, except for this.

Lately we haven't been having sex, but he has still been jerking off.

When I asked him if we could have sex, he said he wasn't feeling sexual. I browsed through his Internet history and found porn on multiple sites every day this past week... when he "hasn't been feeling sexual."

This makes me insecure... and I feel bad that I betrayed his trust, but... what is up with this?

[vashti]

He'd rather jerk off to porn than be with you? Uh, yeah. That IS a problem. I don't know that it can be fixed by you, though. In the end, all you can do is take it or leave it.

[Lite]

You know, I can go home and I bring up porn, jerk off, wash my hands, go make dinner, and go on with my evening. There's no cuddling, real expenditure of energy, or emotion. For a lot of guys masturbation is more habit and cleaning the pipes than about expressing sexual energy.

You just kind of get used to it and it gets incorporated into your daily routine.

Chances are there are other problems in your relationship in general that are causing him to not feel sexually attracted to you. or perhaps he's stressed. Or tired. Or any number of things that affects a male's sex drive (not his masturbation habit) on a regular basis.

I think the only thing I've ever found that screwed up my masturbation habit was when I was on meds that made it difficult to orgasm. Sure sex for hours was amusing, but when you just want a quick chemical burst (causes me to relax) and it still takes over an hour to rub one out? Well, that's emotionally frustrating.

Yes masturbation is a sexual act, but you need to understand that whether a man masturbates has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual attraction to you. It's there whether he's attracted to you or not.

Then again, maybe he doesn't masturbate. Maybe he just looks at porn because he has a habit of looking at specific sites every day to see what's there? I look at a lot of porn, daily even, and most of it I just kind of roll my eyes and skip past. If I find something interesting I'll share it w/ the wife. Otherwise it's like flipping channels on the TV for me.

[carl1222]

Lite is completely right. A man's interest in and excitement from porn is separate from his interest in and excitement for his romantic partner. The only relationship is that a man may turn to porn if he's not finding excitement in his romantic "real life."

So your problem is not his sexual interest in porn, but his lack of sexual interest in you.

Vashti is also right ... a sexless romantic relationship is in serious trouble on the sunny side of 60 years old!

Carl.

[Mish]

I don't know if it will be of any help, but any type of stress and pressure have a great negative impact on libido. Also any pressure to perform or pressure to do it regularly can kill it very quickly.

[Gigabitch]

Unless you find tissues full of semen in his wastepaper basket, you have no proof that he's actually masturbating. Maybe he's looking at porn in an effort to stimulate himself, stir up some kind of sexual feeling.

Okay, I know that's reaching for it, but it's a thought.

I feel for you. That has to feel shitty, being basically rejected every day, and no, I don't think you're worrying too much or anything. This is a major problem.

Sex is usually the symptom, not the cause. What do you think the cause could be?

[damn2008]

Porn in a relationship is always a hotly debated topic. Some women (and men!) consider it cheating if their SO looks at it...some don't.

If you consider it cheating (and have made it CLEAR you do so during the course of your relationship), then to you it's a betrayal of trust and it will gnaw at you and your relationship. Sit down, talk about it and voice your concerns...it is NOT uncommon that women feel insecure when their guy's look at porn, so don't feel like you're the only girl in the world with those feelings.

Either work it out with him, or move on if it troubles you so much.

[Charlie Boy II]

It is true that if guys look at porn too much for too long it messes with their wiring. It is a commonly reported side-effect of porn addiction, or even just overuse of porn. Personally, I limit my consumption of porn for this very reason.

I actually think women these days, who want to appear modern and liberal, can actually underestimate the threat of porn. For men, it can be quite an unhealthy habit.

[lesa]

Yep, CB is right. Maybe he looked at porn so much that it has messed up his wiring. Poor guy. Now he's broken.

[Illusional]

it's a good thing that i'm not your bf. you'd find gigs of porn on my computer.

raverboy

[Aeradalia]

Might want to watch some of the porn that he does... get some ideas... perhaps if you emulate some of the techniques/scenarios in the porno's maybe you can wean him off of them and show him that you can interesting and exciting in a sexual way.

If nothing else... it will show that you are trying and very interested in him (enough so to meet him half-way). Also, if he's feeling pressured to perform sexually for you... then this may send the message that it's not just all about you - his preferences in sex matter too.

[Gigabitch]

It is true that if guys look at porn too much for too long it messes with their wiring. It is a commonly reported side-effect of porn addiction, or even just overuse of porn. Personally, I limit my consumption of porn for this very reason.

I actually think women these days, who want to appear modern and liberal, can actually underestimate the threat of porn. For men, it can be quite an unhealthy habit.

My husband agrees. I asked him what he thought about the situation and he said exactly what CharlieBoy said.

[Only-virgins]

Lose weight and stop looking ugly. We all know that this is the problem here. Damn ugly women! come on! this is your selling point girls.

[Only-virgins]

It is true that if guys look at porn too much for too long it messes with their wiring. It is a commonly reported side-effect of porn addiction, or even just overuse of porn. Personally, I limit my consumption of porn for this very reason.

I actually think women these days, who want to appear modern and liberal, can actually underestimate the threat of porn. For men, it can be quite an unhealthy habit.

Can you provide me credible evidence? I'm holding the bullshit flag right now, sorry. Sounds like a lot of excuses women made up to blame their husband/boyfriend for not having sex with them. Hey maybe porn opened up his eyes and made him realize how much his girlfriend sucks donkey ass at giving blow jobs and ****ing and he got bored of her?

[Illusional]

Lose weight and stop looking ugly. We all know that this is the problem here. Damn ugly women! come on! this is your selling point girls.

but on the other hand, if she were to change then maybe she would end up on my computer's hard drive.

raverboy