Summary:
I have pretty lengthy story about my breakup, and when I tell my friends about it, they tell me to stop feeling guilty and that she was bad from the start, but I feel like I could have been a better bf and that when things got bad, I had the chance to make them better, but I think I made them worse
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The full story:
have a long story about my breakup. If you want to read it, please do so, if not, I definitely do not blame you! xD
LATE FEBRUARY - My ex and I started dating in February. She was my very first girlfriend. I'm 19 and she was 18. We were best friends before that. She told me she really liked me and I really liked her. She was incredibly sweet, friendly, although she seemed like a person who was easily confused. We began a long distance relationship: she lived on the other end of the county, so we would see each other maybe once a week or maybe once every week and a half during the school year. Anyway, I was really happy to be with her. When we first started dating, she told me she really liked me on and off the previous year and I had a crush on her before too, but it I never said anything. I had a car so I would drive up to see her since she couldn’t drive yet.
*Some background history:
A year prior in February or March, she was dating someone I knew for about a month, and I heard that while she was dating the guy, she started to have a crush on another guy. Sometime in April, she started to date the other guy on and off throughout the summer. It was during this time she said she started to like me, but she thought I wasn’t interested so she went out with different people.
MARCH – We’d go to the movies, the park, beach, we hung out with her friends a couple times, and we’d have a good time on our first few dates. I was quiet and shy at times when I was around her friends so sometimes I came off as secluded but I was a little social around them and I was myself when I was with her. We joked around, talked about stuff we did before, and memories at our old high school, and it was great.
After 1 month, there were things she started to say that surprised me.
The first time we had sex, late March, she told me “Not to be mean, but I hope you don’t get too attached”. She also said “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. I tried to understand from her point of view, and I think I did.
During a conversation once before we went out, she once told me "Hypothetically if I got pregnant I probably wouldn't tell you because I'd feel sorry for you." I talked to her later about how it bothered me that she'd said that, and she apologized and we moved on. It definitely made me question my trust in her for a couple days, but I got over it and decided to forget it about.
Most of the times we saw each other, we'd talk and get intimate. During those times, I would tell her how I felt about her and how much I cared and really liked her. I would sometimes say 'I love you' and she'd say the same in return. But I noticed how when I’d tell her those things, she seemed pensive or like she had one foot in and the other foot out. She seemed like she was hoping our relationship wouldn't take a turn for the worst. Once when I told her how much I cared about her and if it was a bad that I felt so strongly, she said that it wasn't bad, and that she thought it was a good thing "for me" (as in me). She sometimes said she hoped that I wouldn't get tired of her, and I would tell her that I never would. I understood that because I thought maybe she had bad relationships in the past, so she didn't want to get hurt, so I thought I just need to respect that. I was curious and once asked her about how she thought of me as a boyfriend and if I was a good one, and she said yes, and that I had my moments.
EARLY APRIL - Usually I would drive up to see her because she didn't get her license until her birthday, but in April, I was unable to use my car for 2 months, so I couldn't drive up to see her for a while except for maybe two or three times where I used a friend's car. The first month or so we would go out on dates, but after I wasn't able to use my car for a while and, we would mostly stay in at her place. I pointed out that most of the time I see her, we'd only stay in and have sex and talk and joke around but didn't really get out and do stuff like other couples, and she noticed that too.
Anyways, sometime during the month, she told me she was asked by friends to be a part of an online tv show they were going to make. She played opposite a guy friend which had a romance plot between them. Once on Facebook, they posted pictures with shots from the show, and afterwards shots from the beach when they were done. On the pictures, I saw the guy friend dropping flirty comments and other friends saying silly comments about them, too. When I asked about it, I wasn’t being controlling or jealous. I just asked “Hey, that guy looked like he was flirting with you, ha-ha”. She said he's just a friend, and he's flirty with everyone. She said she even once thought I came off as slightly flirty with her friends when we went on a date, which I WAS NOT! But continuing on!
(This guy turned out to be an boyfriend, but I didn’t know about it until later).
LATE APRIL/MAY - We would talk on the phone and sometimes she'd have something to say and hold back, but I would tell her she could be honest with me and tell me how she feels. One night we were talking about where she was thinking about going to school, she asked me about breaking up and thought it would be a good idea to do it sooner rather than later if she decided to leave. I told it’d break my heart if she left, but I’d have to accept it.
A few days later, I saw that she added the far away college to her education, and so I called her. When we were talking about it, she told me “I think I’m a little in love with you”, which really made me happy and I told her that I felt the same and that I wanted to be with her. She said she was asking around people as to what she should do. She said she was looking at apartments, and I said I'd help her. I told her that I really wanted her to stay and that I felt strongly about her and that I wanted to continue our relationship, but she was leaning more to leaving than staying.
A couple days after that, I called her saying that if she wanted to leave, I would understand and that we could enjoy it until she has to leave. She told that that if she decided to stay, wouldn't consider going to the same school as me, and said "I'm afraid that I'd get too comfortable from seeing you all the time like it was in high school and that I hope/don't want to get tired of you". At first, it bothered me a lot and I felt my heart drop and it confused me. I told her it wouldn't be like we'd see each other 24/7 or we'd be with each other every single day in the same classes. I said if she did go to my school, it'd mean that we could see each other more when we could. She told me that I had a point, but said she ultimately didn't want to get too comfortable and tired of the relationship. In the end, she told me she decided to stay mostly because of me (also, tuition is cheaper and she didn’t know what she wanted to study as well were other reasons.) She did say on several occasions afterwards that if she changed her mind, she could still go because everything was paid for.
In May when we made plans to meet each other a day after her birthday, I was going to use my mom's car to see her. I promised and swore to her I would see her for birthday no matter what and her graduation too. However, day of, my friend tells me I couldn’t borrow his car for the time I wanted to, and my girlfriend tells me plans changed because she couldn't use her car and her friends didn't want to drive all the way down to where we were going to meet. I got mad because I was really hoping to see her and I thought she blew me off for her friends, but I realized I might have overreacted because she felt bad and so I apologized the next day. A week later or so, when she was supposed to drive down to see me, she wasn’t able to see me again because of something with her mom, and I kind of got mad again but a lot, but again she felt bad and came by my house when I wasn't there and left me candy and a sorry note. She posted a Facebook status about how she felt dumb. I again apologized saying it was fine and that I understood that things come up and it was okay. I try to go to her graduation too, but again I couldn’t use a car and get a ride. I tell her I’m sorry I couldn’t make it but she says its fine. It wasn’t fine to me and I feel like I let her down, but moving on…
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