I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone gives me the pat answer of "everything will be fine". I’ve never done this before, asking for advice in a forum, but I’m willing to try.
So here is my story. I've been with my guy for about 18 months now and I'm at a crossroads. When I met him it was a surprise for me because I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was just looking to date. Little did I know I would fall in love with this man. But now I am feeling as though this may go nowhere. We both have our own lives and friends. We don’t live together but we see each other every weekend; talk during the week. We support each other in the good and bad; respect each other. We communicate pretty well (sometimes I need some help in talking about my feelings but he’s patient with that). I can talk to him about pretty much anything. Lately though I feel like all we discuss (or really all I want to discuss) is our relationship and how I feel anxious about things between us. I know he cares for me and he has trouble expressing his feelings in words (I’m learning to understand the nonverbal expressions of love) but I feel like there is an imbalance – I love him and he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m the mushy one, he’s quite stoic.
I know this anxiety is remnants of a past relationship. About 12 years ago I was with a partner for 4 years who was emotionally abusive (emotionally psychotic more like it). In the beginning he was wonderful but about a year into the relationship he slowly started to tell me that I was not enough – not smart enough, not pretty enough, not sexy or thin enough. And stupidly I put up with it for the next 3 years. Once I got out of the relationship I sought out therapy and had a great group of friends who help shore me up again. Once I felt strong enough I dated again. And as I said, that was 12 years ago. But this current relationship is somehow evoking the last death-rattles of something from that previous relationship and my current partner is nothing like that.
And yet I feel like I’m full of “shoulds”; if he loved me he should want to be with me all the time; if he loved me he would be oh so romantic. I know these are not realistic or accurate thoughts, but they do haunt me. Thankfully, I’m not coming across to him like that (I asked), but the flipside of that is he thinks he’s a bad boyfriend because he doesn’t do those things.
I feel like our needs are incompatible. I want to build a life with this man and live with him and he isn’t ready; I want more time with him and he needs to be alone a lot. The last thing I want or will do is bully a person into changing. But I ask myself everyday if things will change. Can he change his mind? I know there are no guarantees in life. He has been honest about his feelings and his needs and so have I. I’ve never been one to think about marriage and kids, but being with this guy, it’s what I want with him.
So what am I asking here? I’m not sure. Part of me wants to know if I’m being foolish in hoping that we can find a common ground. There is a part that is hoping whoever reads this will see something that I’m missing and say “get out now!” or “stay the course”. I know ultimately the decision is mine and no one can see the future, but I guess I’m willing to listen to other opinions to help me get a different perspective, or if anyone has a suggestion for tools to deal with conflicting needs in relationships...anything. I don’t want to push this man away because of foolish ideals and anxiety, and yet I have to do what is best for me. I don’t want to make a decision based on a standard of “shoulds” and projections of past relationships.