Should I break up?

[asterick]

First of all, we have been together for 3 years this coming January. We live together in an apartment. I am 25 and she is 27. We come from two completely different backgrounds. She had a rough childhood and I did not. She was physically abused, but that was 20
years ago, and I was brought up in a standard 4.25 children home in a good area, with loving parents.

We only have sex on the weekends as she always has some sort of excuse. Sometimes they are as bad as "im too cold", or i have a headache, or its too late (and its 9:30...). She is a teacher and is stressed, but it has been this way for over 6 months. We have had a sit
down chat and also several fights about it and things do not change.

She can not clean up ANY of her mess because she is "too tired by the time she gets home". By mess I mean clothes thrown everywhere, every room is a disaster, I trip over piles of things constantly, and she leaves her school stuff all over. I often feel that the only part of the place that is mine is my computer desk. Again, we have discussed this issue, but it has reverted back after a few weeks and is worse than before.

No it is not fair that I do most of the work lately, but while I do most of it now, I have gotten to the point where I will just not do more than my half. I wanted to see if she would pitch in, but she doesn't. She just tarts to complain how unhappy she is about the house and that it is her fault. But she fails to act on it and do anything. This has been going on since the start, but just not as extreme as before.

She definitely has self esteem issues. Not said by me, but said by her. This is because of her parents in the past. And her past bad relationships. But I don't think she is depressed.

She has a cat that she does not clean up after because again, she is too tired or lazy. there is cat hair everywhere and he rips up the rug and couch. I cant stand him. He meows constantly, bugs the fish I have, sneaks into the bedroom, and basically ruins the apartment. She can not bear to part with him and refuses to put him outside.

Do not get the wrong idea. I have started doing basically all the house work to help her because she is going through a rough time. But she still cant manage to not be lazy and clean her own mess. I know she needs some down time at home, which is why I am taking on all the house work. I also work 40 hrs a week, but I still do most of it. But she still manages to find time to play computer games and watch tv every day.

Drinking is also a problem. I do not dink at all. She has hurt me quite a lot when she has drank in the past. She has said some of the worst things ever, but that was a LOOONG time ago, and I have forgiven her. But I can’t help but feel nervous EVERY time she goes out to drink. So that is awful too. She loves alcohol, but does not drink that much because of me. So that negative goes on both sides. I need to be more understanding, but I have tried, and I just can’t do it. She refuses to understand my point of view. There has been several issues with her drinking, but we can just leave it as the fact that I have a problem with it. She is not an alcoholic or anything. She only gets “drunk like once a month at most, and maybe only once every 2 months.

I honestly feel like she is just not ready for a relationship or is not meant for one.

I dream of the fact that I want to live alone. I mean literally, I dream about it. I also feel like it is what I want right now. It sounds more appealing than anything right now. I can do things my way and live how I want to live. The house will be how I want it. I am not afraid of being alone, but I do not have lots of friends. So I guess I am a little afraid because I want not to be a hermit when I get older. I assume I will work it all out eventually. I even think I could do just fine without a wife my whole life. As long as I had some friends to see every once in a while.

What makes it worse, she is pushing me to get married. I told her I am just not ready. I also told her that one of the main reasons was that we both do not fight well. We both often threaten to “leave” but have no actual intention behind it. I also know I am far from perfect and she has problems with me too. I don’t want anyone to think that I am perfect or think I am perfect in this relationship here. I’m not.

I do love her. I know people say that is “all” that really matters. But I am not happy with this in general and it is not changing.

What do you all think? I am very sorry for the massive post, but I had to lay my heart out there somehow and I do not have lots of people to talk to about this because I do not want people to think less of her “if” we do stay together. It is not fair and I do not want to talk about her behind her back to people we know.

Talking to her about it no longer works. ALL these issues have been discussed seriously and they just don’t change. Is this how it is always going to be? I do believe in the phrase “you cant change someone” and I know its true.

We do have lots in common. We both like lots of the same things, and aside from the issues I wrote, we could probably have a great life together, but I think the bad outweighs the good and If i needed to, I could probably find someone else who also likes what I do and shares similar dreams as me.

I also want to mention that it might seem like it is only the mess that is an issue, but it is not. We have not been getting along lately, and we have gone over the reasons why we both are extra edgy lately. In the past week, she has don't absolutely nothing to change it. Intimacy is an issue, she said she will try to act when she is "turned on" instead of waiting till later, but that has happened 0 times since. I feel like she is just trying to extend the relationship by leading me on with false promises. This is how it always goes. she says "I will work on that" and it never happens.

I am planning on giving it a little time till after Christmas because that would just suck for her. But I am heavily leaning on ending it. Is that a good idea?

We had a fight about a week ago, and I said "I'm Done." I went back on it and said that I am just frustrated. I should not have done it that way so I took it back. I do not want to just end it like that, I want it to be a planned and though out decision instead of being rash and in the moment.

Every time I feel like I have made up my mind, I see her and remember that things "could" work. Then when she’s gone, I just go back to thinking how unhappy I am.

Right now, I just have been feeling like I am waiting for something terrible to happen so I can just end it on that. Part of me wants to just do it, but the other part has hope for the future. It's hard.

Any advice with some thought behind it would be a great help.

[Gigabitch]

But I don't think she is depressed.

Yeas she is. Half of your post is evidence of it. What do you think depression is? You've described it beautifully in your words about her.

I dream of the fact that I want to live alone.

I hear you. Sometimes I miss that too.

I do love her. I know people say that is “all” that really matters.

Those people have never been in a long-term relationship with a non-participant.

We had a fight about a week ago, and I said "I'm Done." I went back on it and said that I am just frustrated. I should not have done it that way so I took it back.

You can't un-say something like that. This does terrible damage to your shared trust, every time either of you threatens to leave. Don't ever say that again if you don't actually walk out the door.

[wonderz]

Damn, everything you just describe here is DEPRESSION, Whether you admit it or not, she is totally depressed, I can tell koz I was couple of years ago, and the mess everywhere, complaining about everything all the time, not taking care of anything, anyone including myself, IT IS DEPRESSION. I guess being molested as a child affected her a lot , and she hasn't healed from it yet.
I don't think she is ready to get married any time soon, not before she can deal with her past issues and move on. What i would suggest is to break up after Christmas, but you can let her know now that this aint going to continue so that she won't be surprise and do some crazy.
Depression is contagious believe me, you sound depress too!
I understand that you love her, but love doesn't mean suffering like this.
U really need a break, and some new fresh air, I feel for ya. good luck! U don't deserve this

[asterick]

Yeah, I guess you guys are right. Maybe she is depressed.

She was not molested, but beaten. By abused I meant she was hit badly when she was a child.

I do not feel I am depressed. I guess if you consider me being unhappy with the relationship at the moment, then you are right. But I think saying I am is extreme. I'm no expert though. I am generally happy.

I agree what what i said cant be undone. We both have made the threat before. It does not make it any less right for me to say it and not 100% mean it. I kinda do mean it, but am still conflicted so I backed out.

[Gigabitch]

I do not feel I am depressed. I guess if you consider me being unhappy with the relationship at the moment, then you are right.

Depression isn't just feeling sad. Sometimes a depressed person doesn't feel much at all. It's kind of like having the volume turned way down on your fundamental humanity.

I agree what what i said cant be undone. We both have made the threat before.

Please take this lesson to your next relationship: these kinds of threats are pure poison. You should act like your relationship is a third party to all of your interaction with her, and hears everything that is said.

[Junket]

It scares me that she's teaching our children...

[vashti]

I think you need to move out. Whether or not you love her, your lives are simply incompatible. Besides, I think it is healthy that you are wanting to be independent. If she is depressed and needs meds, she should see to that and not rely on YOU to pick up all her slack on a regular basis. Relationships should be reciprocal, and this doesn't sound at all like it is.

[laurenpelkey]

this whole relationship sounds unhealthy. has she received any counseling for the past abuse? because she sound like she is stuck in a cycle of post traumatic stress response. for your own sanity i would end it, in a mature way. explain the reasoning in a calm more effective manner, if she can't provide and live by herself and love herself; she def. cant do it with you. there is never a 'good' time to break up, but it sounds like this has gotten way way way out of control. you both need to take a huge step back.

[IndiReloaded]

She's not depressed, she's overextended. Putting pressure on her to 'do something' without actually having any concrete ideas isn't going to help her, or you.

It is scary that she's a teacher. All the teachers I know need to be very organized.

I would suggest, if you are up for it, a compromise. I am assuming you are likewise working (if not, & she's bringing the bacon, then you need to get to housework).

Get on a schedule. Now. Try to maintain some minimal daily cleanliness in the house. Keeping at least your kitchen in order (and maybe bathroom) will help keep your sanity. Tackle the rest on the weekend. In my house, we alternate days 'on & off'. The 'on' day person gets up @ 6:30am, makes the coffee & cleans the kitchen, gets lunches & breakfast ready. Takes not more than 30 minutes. The 'off' person gets coffee & paper delivered to bed @ 7am. Everyone up for showers, dress, breakfast etc @ 7:30am. Next day, its the other person's job to get up first. This way, each person gets some 'off' time.

I try to tidy one room a day, but I'm a bit anal. On busy work weeks we usually play clutter catchup together (this is important) on Saturday, so we can relax on Sunday.

Oh, we are both professionals, btw & have a small child, so I well understand limited time & the pressure to do more than what's reasonable.

Hope this helps.

[IndiReloaded]

Why are all you ppl so quick to have him dump her? He says he loves her. Its like you forgot the entire other thread about tolerance & working thru problems in a relationship.

She sounds nice, if a bit of a disorganized slob. That can be fixed w/a bit of love & supportive feedback. Geeze...

[EmoBlackBelt]

I would never end a relationship in this situation. If you love her, then you should stay with her. This isn't about sex or housework. This is about her medical situation. There are obviously some health related issues at play here.

If I were you, I would convince her to do a sleep study as soon as possible. What she is experiencing sounds a lot like a sleeping disorder, and if it is determined that this is the problem, it could immediately be resolved with medication or a breathing machine. That should be your first move. Then seek psychiatric help.

If you truly want to be with her, make a serious effort to improve her mental, and possibly physical health. But if you feel like you'd rather just be alone, then it wouldn't be fair to her to stay.

Also, does she have any other means of support besides you? Friends, family, whatever. Someone who will be there if you decide to leave. It's crucial that she has someone in her life to support her right now.

[asterick]

She does have family, but they are an hour or more away. She has friends, but they are not super close. But definitely a support group for her.

Ok some people here are a little harsh, but that is probably due to the way I explained all this. While I agree a counselor would be useful, I do not think we can afford that right now. Also, she has seen one in the past in high school, but thats about as far as it goes.

She is a fantastic teacher. I have seen her in action and work is always something that she strives to be good at. She has even said so her self. Also at work she is super organized. Go figure. She even recognizes it too. She can hold it together at work because she wants to. I think she is way too comfortable at home and is taking me for granted. This is part of the reason I am considering leaving.

Thats the whole thing about this. It is not just that the house is messy or the other things, it is the reasoning behind them. She is not willing to take time and effort to make it work. That is my bottom issue. If she cared, then after these 5-10 talks we have had about this issue, she would have changed it. I also feel she is trying to sabotage the relationship.

[vashti]

Why are all you ppl so quick to have him dump her?

Because they aren't married, and he said she drinks too much, and he's been unhappy for a long time, they don't have sex, and talking to her about their problems hasn't helped.

Besides, she has a cat.

Anyway, you know how I feel about trying to force a square peg into a round hole when you aren't even married... why bother? Life is long when you have continual problems like this.

[ExpoNovak]

The fact that she had a sucky childhood is not, repeat NOT your fault. Lots of people had a sucky childhood and we all have to either get therapy or get over it. Using it as an excuse for immature adult behavior is a no no.

It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind and are just looking for verification. You are unhappy, that much is clear. Were you unhappy before she came along? Sometimes relationships become habits that we are stuck in just like an addiction that is hard to break--not because we love the other person but just because we are addicted to their presence. Three years is a long time, but you've definitely learned from it. If you were meant to be together for the long haul you would not be having such extreme doubts and leaning toward leaving. It's time to go.

You may also want to think about exactly how you are going to break the news to her and how she will react. You aren't responsible for her feelings after that point. The simple truth of it is that sometimes people are just too different. And I hear you about girls with cats. Nothing makes me nuttier than a woman who treats her cat better than me. That alone is enough to leave over.

If she is depressed, that sucks for her....but if you are unhappy and don't want to work through it then don't let her drag you down too. You deserve to be happy, we all do and if this is making you miserable don't waste any more time than you have to on it.

[asterick]

Yeah, It is definitely not my fault. She makes statements like "you knew i had baggage when we first started dating". She just doesn't want to change. I guess some of it is my fault for staying too long. But you live and you learn. It will be rough when I have to do it, but it will be for the better. Do you all have any suggestions as to when? I was going to wait till after Christmas, but is it better to just get it over with now?

Does anyone have any tips to the best way to go about it. Don't forget, we live together.