Is startling.
And I can feel myself transition into it when I feel like I'm facing intense competition.
We discussed it before, because sometimes when we'd wrestle, which usually starts out as tickling, soon turns into grappling and pinning.
She's only about an inch or two taller than me, and I know she weighs more, so she's no easy pin.
But when I start to struggle, I can feel something switch, I breathe a little faster, I squeeze a little harder, the smile fades and I get serious.
Like I said, we discussed it before, and decided we shouldn't get that physical anymore. But one thing led to another and we were grappling (fully clothed) on the bed. It gets pretty physical on the end of both parties. Thing is, it always ends with me walking away hyped up and frustrated. The frustration because I'm directing incredibly focused aggression towards my girlfriend. It's not even fun at that point, I just get into this "I will not lose", mode. Ironic because so far it's always ended with me pinning her and her finally saying, "I give up".
Now, I definitely wouldn't go as far to say that this is some kind of unresolved "issue" in our relationship. It's nothing to brood over, it's just...I just feel unsettled about it, like my only way thus far to keep it from becoming a problem is prevention, not letting things get too out of hand, since really, "healthy" wrestling isn't exactly a fundamental aspect of a good relationship.
I thought about taking some kind of martial arts, or wrestling, something that entails physical competition, but I believe that will only make me more aggressive. I don't get like this playing Ultimate frisbee, I'm not overly aggressive or anything. I dunno. Not really looking for advice, but anybody else feel me on this?