Feelings will be hurt, how can I soften the blow?

[Cbrider]

SO I have been friends with this girl since for I don't know.....6....maybe 7 years. I met her in high school and fell for her pretty hard. We had our ups and downs and we had a thing for a while, but I was a year older so college kind of ended it. Its been 4 years since then.....

She told me over Thanksgiving break that she was sorry that it took her so long to figure out what she wanted, but that she loves me as more than a friend. I was pretty shell shocked when she told me, I honestly didn't see it coming, but apparently everyone of our friends did. When she told me I explained that I really wasn't ready for another relationship and that I would rather be single for the time being. She asked if we would ever have a chance and I stumbled a bit and left it at an "I don't know." I know 100% I am NOT attracted to this girl anymore, neither physically or emotionally/personality.

I thought I had this killed at Thanksgiving break, I was pretty clear about it up to the question of whether we would ever be together. I was wrong...she left me a Christmas gift at my apartment while I was at work....except it wasn't a normal gift per say. Its a picture frame with the words:

"Sometimes a new love comes between old friends...sometimes, the best kind of love, is the one that was always there."
-unknown

I have absolutely no idea what to do...I don't like her but I apparently don't convey this firmly enough. Her gift kind of made me uneasy, it seemed like a pretty strong move from her and I am hands off on this one...its not going to happen.

How can I make this clear without tearing her up inside? Theres only so much I can control, how she feels is something i can't touch. On top of it all, she goes to school 6 hours away from me and theres no way in hell I would do a LDR with anyone at this point in my life. Ladies, help me out here, I really don't like hurting people's feelings.....

-Eric

P.S. There was a card with the picture frame that pretty much spelled out exactly how she felt and what she wanted.

[UKboy]

I'd said slam it right back at her face for the hurt she serve you on a platter years back

[Gigabitch]

If you don't want to hurt her feelings, don't jerk her around. Don't let her keep a false hope alive and don't make her wait too long. Tell her the timing just isn't right.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh 'the friend', yes I know about this.

If you know you never want a relationship with this gal then I'd suggest you let her know, directly. This means probably calling her, thanking her for the gift and telling her the things a guy tells a girl when he breaks up with her. Even though you weren't dating, sounds to me she's still carrying a fantasy-torch for you. You need to kill that. You know what to say: you respect her, great gal, just not the right one for you, hope she finds someone else, etc. Be kind, but absolutely clear & firm.

Then I would break contact with her. If she sends you more messages or things, ignore them. She'll get over it.

[Ms.Cruise]

Well, this is a hard situation for you. Sometimes truth hurts. As the other said , dont give her a false hope. Tell her what you feel and you don't want to hurt her feelings. It's right to tell it to her right away than to wait longer. Explain it to her. Pour your heart out. Tell how you feel. I know it's kinda a dumb. But I think if I'm the girl, and you told me about how you think and feel about getting together again, I WOULD LET YOU GO, And we know that it gonna hurt her,but what she gonna do. IF ITS NOT MEANT TO BE DONT FORCE IT. tell her that..

[Cbrider]

Thanks for your replies and advice. I was out with some of my friends tonight and she was there...it was just kind of awkward. She was sitting next to me in the car leaning on me and I was really uncomfortable with it but I couldn't do a whole lot without making a scene and making everyone feel weird. I need to lay it out before this becomes any worse.

Thanks

[carl1222]

Cbrider,

You have only one option here.

First ... tell her everything that is wonderful about her.

Then ... tell her that despite all that, you will NEVER think of her "that way."

Apologize and blame "Mother Nature" the cruel bitch she is! Tell her that you wished it was othewise but it isn't.

Then ... tell her that there is a man out there who will love her as she deserves to be loved.

Most importantly, give her up as a friend ... she doesn't want to be just your friend, you must know that!

Carl.

[Cbrider]

Theres so many ironic and strange things with the whole situation both past and present.

I haven't had feelings for this girl for like 4 years now and I have no idea what I radiate that would make her think otherwise.

Having girls be attracted to you was never suppose to be a bad thing, lol.

[IndiReloaded]

I think its a sign of your maturity that you didn't choose to crush her publicly. You'll find the right moment, I'm sure.

As for why now, who knows? Mbe you were kind to her in a vulnerable moment? I've had guys key on me b/c I showed them compassion & they confused it for more. If so, its just a life lesson she needs to learn and I can't think of a nicer guy to teach her. Be kind, be firm and be flattered.

[carl1222]

OMG Indi ... you're a girl?

[IndiReloaded]

Yep. XX chromosomes. Tho my husband swears I must be an XY chimera b/c of how I think. But the outside is all woman.

[Cbrider]

I think its a sign of your maturity that you didn't choose to crush her publicly. You'll find the right moment, I'm sure.

As for why now, who knows? Mbe you were kind to her in a vulnerable moment? I've had guys key on me b/c I showed them compassion & they confused it for more. If so, its just a life lesson she needs to learn and I can't think of a nicer guy to teach her. Be kind, be firm and be flattered.

That means a lot to me to hear a complete stranger say this about me Indi, I really appreciate it.

[IndiReloaded]

That means a lot to me to hear a complete stranger say this about me Indi, I really appreciate it.

LOL, I can't tell if that was sarcasm or not, but I do mean it. Internet stranger or not. Based on your posts about this, I find you very thoughtful. You could have simply crushed her, and you didn't need to be concerned enough to even post this thread. You seem to be a 'thinker' rather than a 'reactor' & I have a lot of respect for that attitude. You'll do fine, Rider.

[Cbrider]

LOL, I can't tell if that was sarcasm or not, but I do mean it. Internet stranger or not. Based on your posts about this, I find you very thoughtful. You could have simply crushed her, and you didn't need to be concerned enough to even post this thread. You seem to be a 'thinker' rather than a 'reactor' & I have a lot of respect for that attitude. You'll do fine, Rider.

I was completely serious, but I know that its hard to judge based on text

I have always been a thinker, its burned me on occasions when i don't protect myself, but I just have a general concern for other peoples feeling until I'm double crossed.

[Lite]

Best thing you can do is tell her directly, and do it privately one-to-one. Be honest, and perhaps you should consider that being direct is the softest blow. Would you rather have the short pain that's done with, or the drawn out pain from not directly tending to the problem but treating symptoms?

Be honest, be kind, be flattered, tell her the truth.