Having second thoughts about girl I've talked to a few times

[robertdawson]

There's a girl I've talked to about three times, each time being for at least 15 minutes. At the very least it has been friendly conversation, but all of the conversations seemed to flow really well. Anyway, the other day I was talking to her and she pretty quickly brought up that she got another speeding ticket and was pissed about it. Then she mentioned that it was her eighth speeding ticket. I think she's 22-24 age range, so that could end up being 1 a year since she got her license, but I was thrown off by this.

To be getting that many tickets it seems like you'd have to be a reckless driver or either be super unlucky. For all I know she could have just been going 5-10 over habitually (not a HUGE deal), but she could have also been going 20 mph over for all I know.

From the little amount of time I've talked to her she seems ok otherwise, but dang, I'm questioning whether I want to pursue this any farther. Assuming she is getting tickets because she is being reckless, I feel like that's a big negative against her.

I almost want to try and pry for information about the severity of the ticket/s (e.g."are you getting our ticket worked out? Response. How much over were you? Response.) because the thought of her being someone who routinely goes like 20mph sounds like a rather inconsiderate (to say the least) person.

[MerryH]

For all I know she could have just been going 5-10 over habitually (not a HUGE deal), but she could have also been going 20 mph over for all I know.

So if she routinely went 5-10 miles over the limit, it would be okay, but not if she went 20 or more over? What? Why does it matter? The fact is, she's gotten eight speeding tickets. That doesn't mean she's a bad person. But if you think that makes her irresponsible or whatever, that's fine. Stop talking to her. It's very simple.

You've only talked to her three times. Practically strangers. You are in no position to pry for info or be demanding.

[milkshake]

what the heck does getting her 8th speeding ticket have to do with anything about her being reckless? Is drinking and driving? did she hit a pedestrian are park car or hit and run? What's wrong with speeding? Everyone speeds for God sake, but this doesn't make them reckless. Why don't you be a good gentlemen and tell her to be careful and try not to speed or make a joke out of it. Why so serious?

You got a problem with speeding.. get over it... I know many girls speed or have done some reckless thing but it doesn't mean that they are bad... Sheesh... if you don't like her speeding then don't talk to her.. I seriously would not want to talk to someone who gets pissed at someone for doing these kinds of things. It tells me that they get annoyed by little things and takes everything seriously.

[devonbrown]

MerryH is 100% correct. If you have some sort of issue with her getting speeding tickets, then just stop talking to her. You have only spoken 3 times so it isn't like you are ending a 20 year marriage over it.

However, I think you may be asking if you are being unreasonable in thinking this way. I would answer yes to that question. Maybe when you go out with her and she drives somewhere you can gauge her "recklessness." Until then, it sounds a bit silly.

[Mathias]

MerryH is 100% correct. If you have some sort of issue with her getting speeding tickets, then just stop talking to her. You have only spoken 3 times so it isn't like you are ending a 20 year marriage over it.

However, I think you may be asking if you are being unreasonable in thinking this way. I would answer yes to that question. Maybe when you go out with her and she drives somewhere you can gauge her "recklessness." Until then, it sounds a bit silly.

I think you're downplaying this a little too much, Devon. Yes, he probably shouldn't cut and run over it, but it is definitely a warning sign. Realistically, how many people do you know that have gotten 8 speeding tickets in 7 years? You have to almost be trying to do that.

It also could speak to the fact that she is:

1. May not be that intelligent (how many times do you have to get caught before realizing it's a bad idea?)
2. May not care about money that much (her insurance has to be insane)
3. May not care about her own safety that much (cops generally don't pull someone over for going 5 over, and when they do, they don't usually give tickets).

For example, I generally drive 10 over as a rule, and I've only gotten 1 ticket in 12 years of driving.

Is it ridiculous to be extremely worked up over? Sure. Is it equally as ridiculous to just dismiss it? Yes. You don't have to go looking for warning signs early in a relationship, but when one slaps you across the face, it's a crime to ignore it entirely.

[robertdawson]

Well, you're right, we're practically strangers. I never said I was going to sever contact with her after her telling me that though. It isn't like she told me she was going to court for robbing a convenience store. I said that having that many tickets makes her sound reckless or dumb, like Mathias said.

On to my speeding rant (skim or skip over, but if you read you'll see where I'm coming from). What's wrong with speeding? At least two people I know in the last three years have died because someone was speeding (not 5 over, 20+) Without sounding like a prude: the speed limit is the legal limit you are supposed to drive. It is set where it is for a) fuel economy reasons, b) safety reasons. If an area is 35 and you're going over that then you are reducing your reaction time if someone pulls out in front of you.5 mph? Some, but not much. Most cops don't seem to even care about 5 over in my expriences. You can easily be going 5 over and not really notice it, especially if the area is like 20 or so. However, if you're going 40 mph, that is considered a felony in many states, reckless endangerment I believe. You can be arrested and put in jail for up to a year in some cases.

So clearly, there IS in fact a difference between 5-10 mph over and something like 20 over. Just because "everyone" does it (except for a lot of older people who drive UNDER the speed limit) doesn't mean anything. . Anything over 15mph adds points to your license, so a handful of those sort of tickets and you lose your license (so many of those in a certain number of years). That sounds like a big deal to me. If you're going 55 in a 35 that is being reckless and endangering others. I doubt many people think "oh man, I'm endangering some lives right now, wooo!" but the failure to realize what you're doing is irresponsible at best. Once or twice would be admissable for being 15-20 over (not like nobody has ever speeded) but if you're piling up tickets then chances are you're driving like that a LOT and getting away with it many other times.

On a side note: text messaging while driving is a mild form of recklessness as well. Nobody means to do it to be dangerous but it is irresponsible and dangerous.
-----------------------------------

ANYWAY, the three things that Mathias mentioned are definitely on my mind, in addition to the possibility of her being reckles. It was an awfully strange time for her to tell me about that because I was actually planning on asking her to casually hang out with me so that I could get to know her more and see if I ended up liking her past this initial level of attraction, interest.

[devonbrown]

It also could speak to the fact that she is:

1. May not be that intelligent (how many times do you have to get caught before realizing it's a bad idea?)
2. May not care about money that much (her insurance has to be insane)
3. May not care about her own safety that much (cops generally don't pull someone over for going 5 over, and when they do, they don't usually give tickets).

I thought about those things too, but after only talking to her for 45 minutes total, he can't know for sure any of those things. It could also be that her speedometer is broken. Or there is an area where she lives where cops set up speed traps (like at the bottom of hills) where it is almost impossible to not be speeding. Or she could be Danica Patrick. The point is he has no idea what the reasons might be. They could be bad or they could be harmless.

I agree he shouldn't ignore warning signs, but at this point there is no way to tell if this is a red flag, a yellow flag, or anything at all. He is too far away to make any judgment on the type of warning sign it is. He needs to talk to her at least 4 times to get a sense of warning.

[robertdawson]

devon:
I said in my first post that she could be either reckless OR extremely unlucky. And like it has been said, it's too early to know exactly what it means. However, it isn't unrealistic to think about the three things Mathias mentioned, or that she could be reckless.

[jb1111983]

Stop seeing her, mate. You've already kinda developed a negative image of her in your mind. Not a good start if you're looking for more than a summer fling.

[robertdawson]

jb, yeah that negative impression is still there. I just don't want to start ignoring her though. I'm not saying how likely it is, but she could have gotten most of those tickets while she was in high school for all I know. I kind of doubt this is the case though. It isn't like I've never gone a few over the speed limit, but in 8 years of driving I've never gotten a ticket. Like someone else said, you've almost got to be trying to get that many tickets (which obviously isn't the case as she was really pissed off about getting this recent one)

[surfhb]

Hmmmm.....In California, she barely hanging onto to her license. Her Insurance is probably $300/ month (yeah...no kidding) . Sounds like an idiot to me but I can't say for sure. However, I would not date someone whos license was suspended because of speeding tickets.

[saveamarriage]

I wouldnt stop talking to her just because of that. It may be something to look into the future, but dont ditch her just because of it.

[robertdawson]

I ended up talking to her a couple more times and the subject came up. She ended up saying she pretty much had yearly tickets and they were almost always 15 over. Since it actually fit into the conversation I asked her if she was getting caught in lots of speed traps or something and she came up with a number of explanations/excuses (wasn't being defensive though, and they came up in the normal flow of the conversation):
"Have a heavy right foot", "set my cruise control to 10 over and sometimes going down hills it gets up to 15 over", "I haven't gotten in a wreck since I was 16 though". So.. yeah.

She actually ended up asking me how to do a project for the course, got my number and then ended up texting me fairly late for help in the library. I went and helped her and then for whatever reason (I had just been kind of irritated at her talking about her dumb driving habits a few hours earlier) I sent her a text about 30 minutes later. In one of our earlier conversations she had mentioned there was an activity she had wanted to try so I asked her if she wanted to do it (very casual activity). It was later on and I didn't get a response until the morning and she said "thanks for helping me yesterday, if you want to do [activity] some time let me know!" I sent her a text a few hours later saying "no problem. Yeah we'll do that sometime. You going to be around after summer classes end?" Been about 12 hours, no response. Someone else told me today they didn't get a text I sent them so I sent the same message again (I know, stupid idea) and no response to that either.

I have a feeling she just said that because she felt like she owed it to me for helping her figure out the project. It seems like most people return texts within a couple of hours if it has a question in it..
I'm thinking I may still remind her about her invitation, but after not getting a response I'm thinking about waiting two weeks instead of 1 now. If no response then I'm dropping it. Does this sound like a good approach to anyone else? I feel like I at least want to give her a chance, but if she blows me off I won't care too much after her discussing the reasons for being on the verge of having her license suspended.

[robertdawson]

Anybody got an idea?

[Bluesidhe]

If something as silly as her having 8 speeding tickets makes you question whether or not you want to talk to her, cut her off. You are obviously not that interested in her anyway.

Also, if you wait 2 weeks to contact a smart girl she'll know exactly what game you're playing and won't contact you back.

Why are you bothering to proceed anyway? It doesn't even sound like you like her. If you respect her, let her go so some guy who actually likes her can approach her without you confusing things.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who likes them, and for her, that dude is not you.