He doesn't want kids but willing to adopt/foster...

[MsMaccoby]

Hello Community,

I'm sorry this is quite a long message...

We fell in love not very long ago (7 months into the relationship), and I'm so happy I have found someone so great at last, but I'm increasingly concerned about the future and I feel at a loss if I'm honest, as I really want him as my life partner. :/ My boyfriend (32 years old) doesn't want kids and I (37 years) thought I could get over it, but I think I might always feel like he didn't love me enough or commit enough... I always saw children as an act of ultimate commitment and love to each other... Neither of us has married before or had children, by the way.

I'm the one with the career, having spent 9 years studying at university, and in many ways I have loved an independent life, travelling a lot, I have an active social life, and I own my own home. I don't feel I want kids in the foreseeable future as there's so much I want to do and learn, but yes, I'm aware that time is ticking, and I do want to build for a future now. I'm willing to give it all to him, even if it means rethinking my career.

My boyfriend isn't a 'guy guy' type; I'd say he plays a very supportive role, and is the sensible one out of the 2 of us and less career driven. I'm confused - He says he doesn't want kids but he would be willing to adopt. When we discussed this for hours, he says he's worried that he would not be able to do it (raise children) and the last thing he wants to do is run off in the future (his parents separated when he was a child though this may not be the reason - see below). Somehow he thinks adopting wouldn't be the same as he'd feel that potentially helping an 'existing' child would outweigh his worries. I'm not sure this logic works but he said he was willing to look into adoption. Anyway, we did look slightly into adoption some time ago, but we may not be able to adopt (we're a mixed race couple and in the UK, agencies do racial matching - most probably). And I tried to accept the situation, but again, my concern if we didn't have kids is whether he is really committed to me or not! (Not that there's any guarantee, I know, but it's a positive act of commitment to a family together...) I might also regret never having experienced motherhood...

After more patient discussion recently, it turns out he feels he's run away from lots of things in life (despite having a responsible professional job for 10 years and having been to uni, which is why this is a bit of a revelation to me!) - he quotes never owning a car (despite having a license), never owning a home (despite having savings to get a mortgage) and he also had a huge fear of flying which he didn't face for a long time - but he recently did a mega long haul flight with me on our holiday (not that I was really aware of the extent of this fear). He's long said that I've got him over so many things he'd never have done in the past (translation: his fears). He has very few friends (bar his ex of 7 years), and I can see he makes a huge effort to be sociable with me and my friends. So, maybe he's just a 'slow starter'. He is a shy person and I think it's taking time for him to come out of his shell... possibly.

Ironically, this sharing and communicating only makes me feel closer to him... He's a very private person and he says he has never talked to anyone about stuff like this before as no one has ever taken that much interest in him...

So, I'm wondering if there's any way I can help him get over his fear of having children (or not wanting children)? I guess it's a million dollar question, but we both feel we are so right together and he says he is trying to consider having children cos he loves me (but he says it might not be possible). He said the other day that he would strongly consider moving in together and looking into fostering, and seeing if he could get used to the idea of kids. He emphasised that he really wanted to see how that would be like. But then, we looked into it and I am thinking that fostering might turn us both off having kids!! I am scared by it anyway (even though I study kids for a living), and even of him moving in with me for the wrong reasons...

I feel like if this ends, I may never find another person like him again... It's very possible.. in which case the kids thing doesn't even come into it. He is equally really upset at the prospect of us not being life partners. Shall I let him go? Shall I accept I won't have kids to stay with him? Shall we try to adopt anyway and it might be as fullfilling? Or is adoption a bad idea given his reasoning about not wanting kids of our own? Any thoughts to shed light or similar experiences much appreciated. I'm trying to face this question head on, but it is haunting me day and night...

Thanks for reading.

[smackie9]

You are a fool to think this can happen. Why the hell would you want to risk ruining his, yours and the life of a child. Be smart and look for a man that is on the same page as you.

Things feel right because you are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship where it seems nothing will ever go wrong. You throw a screaming, poopin baby into it and you got trouble. Better get your head out of your ass because marriage and raising children is no picnic.....it a lot of hard work to keep it together. That's why I never bother to have kids...I like sleeping in and having a life.

[Starnique]

That's why it's so important to marry someone that wants what you want out of life and especially when it comes to kids. You knew this is what he wanted and if you want a baby of your own then you should've got with someone who had the same agenda as you. I dont see why a guy would want to adopt when he can have his own baby anyway but then again you're aware of this.

^^^^^BTW, being married and having kids is a picnic to some people. Your life is what you make it whether you have kids or not.I know several people that have fullfilled, blissful lives with kids so in terms of that people should just speak for themselves. Now if you're a person thats all about yourself and just dont care to have that sort of lifestlyle then thats fine. That's how you want it. It depends on the person which makes it an opinion and not a fact of life.^^^^^

[smackie9]

I didn't say it was a death sentence to be married and raise children, I said it takes a lot of hard work to keep it together, and that means dedication, desire and commitment. If you don't have your partner 100% on board it's going to fall apart.

[BlueMoonSal]

Nothing wrong with adoption. I think it's the same. The only difference is they just don't care your DNA but you're still raising them. Then again, my biological clock will never tick. I don't feel the need for kids either.

[smackie9]

I think he doesn't want to adopt a baby but a child that is older so he doesn't have to deal with the screaming and diaper changes......one that is ready to go to school.

[basilandthyme]

Hon, all his plans and figuring out and you supporting him are taking time. And at 37, you're almost out of time. If you want kids, you need to make the decision now.

I would strongly advise you to not consider the adoption route with him. Adopted kids deserve committed love, dedication and support from both parents - his idea of using adopted kids because he may need to commit a bit less is unconscionable.

As a last thought, have you considered that your fertility may already be compromised. If you found out that you couldn't have kids, would you be happy to stay childless with him?

[michelle23]

You need to walk away. He doesnt want kids coz hes afraid he cannot handle the responsibility and may run off and abandon you and the child. That is not a man. In summary that is what he is saying. What you wasting time on this loser for?

You sound like a strong, confident, independent woman so I don't understand why you are settling for second best? Dump him and go and find someone who is ready for marriage and kids.

Also it is not considered a "good deed" to adopt a child. People normally adopt because they are infertile and desperately want a baby. So his logic is a load of crap. He thinks it would be easier to abandon an adopted child than a biological one? I dont think he really understands that you are supposed to treat an adopted child the same way you would a biological one..

Anyway I think your wasting too much time here. Your 37-you should be aiming to get pregnant in the next year or two before you miss your chance and you need a man who is ready for that.

[MsMaccoby]

Thank you for all your replies. I really appreciate them.

The problem is partly that I'm not 100% sure I need to have children. At the mo, it's just weird/difficult to me that he loves me but doesn't want kids, as it makes me feel less valued (or am I kidding myself?). But I know raising children is hard work (I work with parents myself in my work and my sister has a baby), yet I'm worried I might be filled with regret in future. I'm one of those ppl who anticipates possible regrets and doesn't want to make any mistakes, but I'm aware that I might well have been just been socialised into wanting kids. However, I am also a nurturing kind of person and we are both big on charity work and helping others - which is partly where the adoption thing comes in (he says he has a lot of respect for adoptive parents), though I realise adoptive children often have a range of issues, and I expect I would be taking on the burden of this if he was to be my life partner.

Basilandthyme: If I found out I (or HE) was infertile, I'd definitely stay with him. I feel incredibly lucky to have found him, and this is more important than having children in themselves (I personally feel it's selfish JUST to want children). I've been trying to come to terms with never having children and just having love but I worry this might not be enough in future - I can't help but think "What's wrong with my genes? Why doesn't he want a family with me?" A possible complicating matter is that when I was 19, I had an abortion (I didn't want it, my bf at the time did), which really affected me for some years because my boyfriend at the time resented my actions so much.

[MsMaccoby]

Michelle23, I just read your post, thank you. You're almost certainly right. For years, I've not met anyone right for me, so I guess I am trying to be flexible to see if I can stay with him. I walked away from several longterm relationships when I was younger because the guy wasn't right for me, personality wise. Now I find someone I gel with personality wise, and who has the qualities I look for in a man, I am trying everything I can to make it work, I guess. I know this doesn't sound good, but if history is anything to go by, I may never find the right guy for me who also wants to have kids. I am actually put off guys who are really keen to have kids and see me as a potential 'babymaker'... so maybe I have some issues myself..!!

[michelle23]

I dont think its kids that is the real issue here. I think its the fact that hes terrified to commit to you as he knows deep down that he is not cut out for fatherhood. That is the scary thing. You could waste five or ten years on him (without kids) only to be abandoned anyway by him coz he has a fear of commitment and responsibility.

Plus as smackie already pointed out-you are still in the honeymoon phase and looking at him through rose-tinted glasses. I bet you felt the exact same way with all your exes in the early stages of a new relationship. Then the infatuation wears off and the cracks begin to show.

The fact he wants to adopt but doesnt want to have a baby with you could mean something deeper too. Maybe he has a fat phobia and is terrified youll put on a little weight? I know one guy who doesnt want kids for that reason which is kinda crazy.

You have lots to think about. Honesty I think men could come and go but you have your kids for life. And I wouldnt give up my chance to be a mother for anyone and if he did leave me-**** him. Ill raise my baby alone

[MsMaccoby]

I wasn't ready to settle down earlier on (i.e. before I was 35 or so, I was in full-time education until 27 which contributed to this, probably) so I wouldn't have had these kinda thoughts with previous bfs, if I'm honest, though obviously I thought they were great at the time! I learned a lot though. I kept going for guys with problems of some kind that I wasn't aware of at the start (e.g. jealousy, bad with money, depression) or were too young for me. You may think my current bf has problems, but he does have a good professional job, he is good with money (makes a nice change!), he has no obvious emotional issues, we are well matched personality wise, he's younger but not TOO young, and he was with his last gf for 7 years and she broke up with him, so I didn't actually think he had commitment issues (until now). I guess if I want kids, I can only think I would have to lower my standards in other regards, which saddens me. Interesting note about a possible fat issue though he tells me it wouldn't do me harm to put ON weight - he is more than twice my weight; I am very petite.

[michelle23]

Are you sure he didnt want kids with his ex? Maybe thats why hes afraid of commitment?

[TablesandChairs]

I'm 29 and wouldn't date a guy who didn't wants kids; especially one who said he was afraid he might abandon his kids (err?). At my age, I can't really afford to be playing games with people who don't tick very important boxes (like wanting kids) no matter how well I got along with them. In time, I would regret it. Especially if around friends with kids and so forth.

You need to look inwards and preempt whether or not you want to risk being childless forever. It's not something you should decide upon lightly. The more time you spend with your partner, the less time there will be to find another.

Talk to him about the kid issue. Really explain that it's very important to you. Get him to affirm whether his 'no' is permanent or just some fear he has for the moment that he might get over.

[MsMaccoby]

Thanks, Tablesandchairs... We have talked for hours about it and we now have a week apart (I'm away for work) and I'm thinking far too much and veering back and forth in my decision making. The problem is I don't feel as certain as you about kids. And he says he doesn't think he wants kids but he can't say for sure if he might change his mind later on. He thinks he's 'genetically' like his dad (i.e. no paternal desire), who was hardly in his life until a few years ago really. Personally, I don't think he'd abandon his kids if he had some, BUT he fears he may resent how his life will become and it would break us up (and I wouldn't want that! I don't just want kids).

Michelle23, no, his ex wanted kids now and he didn't want any (yet). I didn't actually know this when I first got with him.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts... I think I either have to change my own mind (probably unlikely) or grieve the end of this relationship.