Boyfriend seems to be lying about porn - why would he?

[flavaflave]

Hey guys, I'm new to this so sorry if I'm posting wrong but I wanted a mans outlook on this. I'll give the story:

I was on my boyfriends laptop while he was at college (with his permission of course) and I accidentally deleted a file. I then went to the recycle bin to recover it, where I found porn. I thought they might have been funny pictures so to curb my worries I recovered it and went to the folder. He has been telling me for 2 years that he doesn't watch it. I then confronted him about the pictures I found, to which his response was 'i don't know why they're there, I don't remember getting them. I've never looked at them I promise'. I then explained to him the access dates. They were created and accessed at a later date. He said the computer must be wrong. It's never been wrong for me before. The clincher is that he was staying at mine those nights, so got them when I was asleep. Awesome. He then told me later that day that he had deleted them. So I wanted to check. Lo and behold, none were gone. So there must be multiple folders. I know men watch it, I'm not too happy about porn as in my opinion it's degrading. However I'm not trying to make him not watch it, just not lie about it. A few days later, I was on it again and he wanted me to delete his cookies etc for him. He was being pretty weird about it, so I wondered what he was hiding. Many cookies of porn sites it seems. I know none of his friends were on it as he never let's anyone else on but me and him. He also stopped recording his history after this happened, as I went on to buy a dress I was looking at, and history is gone. How can I get him to tell me the truth? I feel like I can't trust him right now. Help!

[1337lizard]

Ok, take a couple deep breathers and relax. Believe it or not, it's pretty normal for a guy to look at porn. Almost everyone does. I think the reason why he's lying about it is because he feels attacked. I'm guessing when you've confronted him about it, it hasn't been in an understanding way. If you're going up to him, waving evidence in his face and acting pissed as a female tigress in heat who just had her tiger stolen from her then I wouldn't be surprised at him trying to cover up.

And no, he shouldn't be lying to you. But it's also embarrassing to talk about. I don't want to announce to the world when I'm masturbating, and it sounds like you looking up the access times and waving it in face was pretty much laying a load of embarrassment in his face.

In his position I would feel embarrassed, a little ashamed, panicked, and harrassed. Lay off on him for a bit, then ask to talk to him about it. And don't be confrontational about it, otherwise he'll hide in a shell and lie. It's a touchy subject, so you have to be sensitive.

[TheWizard]

He's just insecure, or for whatever reason feels he can't talk to you about it. Maybe he has some darker fantasies associated with porn and he's not comfortable talking to you about it.

Any of it taboo? bondage or in some other vein? 2 girls 1 cup etc... heh

Just tell him it's not that big a deal and you're more interested now in why he feels he has to lie to you about it rather than man up and admit he likes women in the buff. See if that rattles something loose...

[flavaflave]

Hey, thanks for your help. When I talked to him about it it was a calm conversation, and in the past I've given him opportunities to tell me. He told me after we had the big discussion thanks for being understanding. And if I talk to him in a way he doesn't like, he tells me. I can't see why he'd be embarressed about masturbating and talking to me about it, as we can do that while the other knows and is in the same room. And he frequently talks about it. I haven't said anything to him yet about the cookies, as I know I need to calm down before I say anything. And no, it was just your run of the mill porn tbh. I just can't see why he can't tell me. He makes a big point about lying :/ how should I approach this? Thanks again

[1337lizard]

Huh. Well that's odd then. Sorry, I jumped to some conclusions at the "tone" of your post.

And I have no idea. If what you're saying is true then it gives him 0 reason to lie to you. Let us know when you have more information.

[flavaflave]

Lol it's cool =]
I'm just pretty p'eed off just now because I can tell him anything, even if it's really embarrassing. I'm not gonna talk to him about it until i've cooled down, and I don't know how to get him to tell me about it. And I think it's been ongoing throughout the relationship (we've been together almost 2 and a half years now), as he's always been really weird about me going on his old computer/now laptop =/ What in your opinion would be the best approach? I don't want him to think that I won't understand, or that I'm harrassing him about it...

[jessZ]

I'm unsure about what you are trying to achieve... I mean, I understand that it doesn't feel good to be lied to, but you have pretty much discovered the truth now anyway - why is it so important to hear him say it??? Suppose he admits it, then what? Are you going to try to stop him from watching it?? Even if you do, he will still do it, but simply be more careful in covering his tracks. I actually think you are harrassing him about it, and i'm not sure how obtaining an admission from him will actually lead to anything constructive...

[flavaflave]

It's not that I want him to stop watching it. I know many men do, and i'm not going to stop him doing something he wants just because I have an issue with it. I don't know if I can explain this properly, but I just don't want him to think that he can lie to me about something. I'm not going to go rub it in his face what I found, just say that I know he does, and I don't want him to lie about it. I trust him completely and I hope he feels the same about me, but if he can't admit to this when the proof is there I can't fully trust him? Sorry if my explanation sounds strange, but it's how I feel.

[SirWagginston]

You two masturbate separately in the same room as each other? Why?

[flavaflave]

We both find it hot when the other does, and usually end up together if you know what I mean lol

[Petit Papillon]

You could say: If You want to watch porn You have to stop being a kid and deny it like a teenager that got caught. I don't mind You watching it but grow up and don't hide it like a little boy

[vashti]

OMG, leave the poor guy alone! You have violated his privacy, and now you think you have a right to make him confess that he likes naked girls?

Masturbation habits are a private matter, unless they interfere in a healthy sex life or involve children/animals/illegal activities.

Stop being such a controlling girl.

[Petit Papillon]

Porns are fine, I like 'em But I use them as a substitute when my bf is not around Besides I don't feel the need, I just rape him (or rather he me) But anyway I wouldn't do such a big problem lol .

[juliep123]

wow, i know exactly where you are coming from. the main reason you are upset is because you hate that he is lying. if hes going to lie about something so stupid that u dont even care about, what else is or will he lie about. im in the same situation as you.

[cmacattack1]

Maybe he's not ready to be indulge in one hundred percent of his deepest thoughts and feelings. He is probably self conscious and trying to cover his insecurities and keep you impressed. I know you feel like you can tell him anything and you have, but trust isn't a transaction. Just because you give him all the truth doesn't mean that he is going to reciprocate it. Some people need more time.

It's tough for me to understand seeing as how I have no problem talking with my ex about my masterbation habits and all that, but she kind of poked and pried at me about other issues when I wouldn't open up to her and it made me just close down on her more. I don't want that to happen to you.