Ever been addicted to someone?

[Jenksz]

That was me, months ago. That feeling that you're addicted to a person- in a similar fashion to a drug (well- most narcotics anyways). You keep going back to that girl knowing she's awful for you because you just want your hit, or your toke, or your glimpse of exposure to her. It's a true case of irrationality > logic.

I won't try to drag this on as I know this is an advice forum- not a forum for one to rate my autobiography. But- if you are reading this (I thank you), and bear with me in trying to follow. During my first year of university (nearly 2 years ago) I started dating a girl. We dated just over a year. Throughout which, I (my friends + family as well) picked up on many different things I didn't think were really good qualities I wanted someone I was with to have. It resulted in us breaking up numerous (<- conservative wording) times during last summer. I went away to Europe for August. She slept with my best friend. I was told when I got back. I ended up getting back together with her (the real messed up part begins now). While I was in Europe I knew something was up, my entire focus was on trying to win her back when I got home. I was depressed, I wrote her a song, a speech- the whole deal, I had convinced myself it was my fault (all of this is filler and irrelevant to the present question I pose to this forum- it's merely for the sake of filling you in). In essence, my confidence was shot at the time, and was for a long long time (shields are still not at 100% captain). Come this year's March we were still hanging around each other- I found out once again she had started seeing someone else while we were still in a "gray" zone. (A big part of this in retrospect was that I came to the realization she wasn't good for me, but didn't want her to be with anyone else- gotta love pointless caveman raw instinct- eventually rationality overcame this). I have removed all forms of contact and was doing quite well - until I broke my leg a little over a month ago (one thing after the other). Apparently ultimate frisbee is a contact sport. Any-who- she found out via whatever means, and texted me to come speak to me and see how I was doing with my leg and all (she was a street away from my house at the time). This set me back some 1) that she was so close and 2) that she was feigning this sort of kindness (which really messed with me head- as I figured she was doing this to a) make herself feel like she was being a good person, or b) make herself feel like she was being a good person). I removed contact between us, didn't message her on her birthday in June- my message was clear. As stated, this set me back some and got me thinking about the future.

PS- when the times were good during first year, I would say we were each other's first true loves

Now- the body ^ is done, for the conclusion (a university student's favorite part). She is with someone else. I am single. I've regained much confidence, yet still think of her daily (not that I would ever think of getting back with her). I won't use the word hate- because hate is in and of itself a pointless word that results in hatred (people should hate hate itself). But I have a strong feeling of animosity towards her still- for letting her manipulate my emotions, myself, making me into a lump of a man, and many other things. We are in close proximity come school (september), and hang around the same crowds. I've been debating on if I will acknowledge her existence and all that jazz but here comes the kicker- do I need to forgive her? I've been dawdling in the thinking of philosophers past that "one can't love with hatred in their heart", but I just don't know how to proceed with the final stages of this unnecessarily prolonged experience. I humbly ask the omnipotent, all-knowing, all-seeing internet for its opinion, comments, advice, thoughts, arguments, beliefs, and opinions on the matter (not in that order).

Thank's for taking the time to read my story, I appreciate it greatly

Zack

[Cerby]

You can forgive, carrying hostility can be wearing on the mind. But that said, never turn down that road again, acknowledge her, talk to her, but do not consider ever being with her again.

[kbee]

It is hard to forgive when you are still healing. I would have nothing to do with her for quite sometime, even if it meant that you need to make new friends and hang around them instead. After some (a long) time, you won't hate her and you wont miss her. Then you can forgive her. Forgiveness takes time, and healing takes time. And I have leanred that it is difficult to forgive before you heal.

She's messing with you, and she probably always will.

[Cinnabella]

Hey, i was there. And now, i feel totally over the guy, i don't even remember the good things about him anymore, but more of the bad, and i don't have feelings when i think of him . You will get there, travel to somewhere new, meet new people and have fun.

I have had a short trip, and i got quiet a few attention from some really good looking guys, they would stare at me all the time, and i felt like " what the heck did you think you were my EX, eh", i feel he doesn't even stay in my mind as something dearing anymore, just a plain feeling, wohooo. Feeling great.

[Jenksz]

Sorry, don't think I was clear enough in one regard. I don't have feelings when I think about her daily. She just decides to pop in my head. I know the same doesn't happen on her end, it bothers me that this far along such a thing still occurs. Thanks for the responses so far, look forward to seeing what else comes in.

[Cinnabella]

I think it's normal that she pops up in your head, she was once the priority in your life, and it takes a long time to not think about her anymore, when you are healed, you won't need to wonder about forgiving her or anything more, because you won't feel anything when you think of her.

[pisces25]

Yes forgiving her is a good idea. But you also need to forgive yourself. It is easy to blame what we are feeling on our ex (going through the same thing at the moment with an ex who damaged me a bit) but at the end of the day only we can control our reaction to the situation. It is very hard to look objectively when emotions are involved for example if someone says 'you're an idiot' we can either choose to believe this and react or just shrug it off. Because our ego's are fragile and we take offense our response is usually the former. Now times that by 1000 with the emotions we feel by our ex's behaviour. It is upsetting, frustrating and sad that the people we once loved have made us feel like this.

You may be quite mad at yourself for sticking by her after the way she treated you and if this is the case the forgiveness will be for yourself. You sound like a pretty good guy, give yourself a break and stop letting this ghost of your past question everything you know about yourself which is the truth.

PS - You are not addicted to her. You are addicted to the way she made you feel. Negatively and positively. Someone once said to me when we fall in love it isn't the person we fall in love with but the way they make us feel. So they love us, we feel good. They stuff us around, we feel bad.

[FeelingCalledL]

Hate: to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward

She sounds like a real b*tch.

Hate her as much as you can. That's the only weapon you have to protect yourself. And when I say hate I mean it as the definition above. Don't look for revenge or to try to hurt her. But hate her day in day out in order not to let her hurt you again.

[Jenksz]

PS - You are not addicted to her. You are addicted to the way she made you feel. Negatively and positively. Someone once said to me when we fall in love it isn't the person we fall in love with but the way they make us feel. So they love us, we feel good. They stuff us around, we feel bad.

I completely agree- once that feeling is removed it leaves a gap in your life. People who haven't experienced can live alright without it- but if one experiences it for a second, it changes your life forever.

[cggirl87]

Im addicted to my current boyfriend...The relationship has gotten worse and I have to get out...This is my first love and first serious relationship.

[IncognitoSir]

Ehhh, I've been their. Kinda still am. Although my ex didn't do all that shit that happened to you, she did put me through a quite a few mind phucks. You should defiantly forgive her when you're ready. (doesn't mean you need to contact her AT ALL) I think when you can forgive her in your heart, you'll be able to move on. It's more like you're punishing yourself for being such a dumbass, or at least that's how I felt about it. She will probably be on your mind for a while, she was a big part of your life for over a year and that doesn't just go away. Take it day by day, but it sounds like your head is clearing up and you're on the right track.

[Jenksz]

Im addicted to my current boyfriend...The relationship has gotten worse and I have to get out...This is my first love and first serious relationship.

It's a difficult thing to do, but with a lot of determination and just plain "thinking it through" I know you can do it as well.

[98db]

I beat myself up daily because every part of my brain is telling my Ex will never make me happy, but I still keep the door open for her to sneak back into my life. My buddy told me I was a masochist, and I think I am starting to believe him.

[FeelingCalledL]

:-) welcome to the first day of the rest of your life..

[Jenksz]

I beat myself up daily because every part of my brain is telling my Ex will never make me happy, but I still keep the door open for her to sneak back into my life. My buddy told me I was a masochist, and I think I am starting to believe him.

As stated its something that needs to be done- it's an uphill battle. What I found best for me was truly sitting down and going over the positives and negatives of being with her. Letting go is something that takes time, but it also takes a strong will.