a problem with layers like an onion

[solar owl]

if I were to start it from the beginning, it would take forever and I wouldn't even know how to tell it. so I guess the best place to start is the present.

about a year ago, I broke off a relationship with a woman I had been dating for five years. there were certain key issues involved (would take too long to explain here) and I didn't feel like things were progressing. we were both under a lot of strain and we argued and drank a lot, so I can't say that communication was 100% by the end. it was hard for me to do, but at that point all I knew is that I was frustrated and needed a change.

so the year passes, and I'm trying to get my shit together and trying to figure out what I want for myself and in another person. I date one girl for a bit, that fizzles out (tho now we're friends). I romanced another for a while before losing interest in that one, too. generally dealing with a sense of apathy towards the opposite sex, not really knowing why. at some point in this process, I decided it was time to quit drinking. I figured maybe that had something to do with it. this resulted in a series of changes within myself and how I think and feel. it's been a profound experience, to say the least.

lo and behold, about a month ago my ex from a year ago contacts me out of the blue. we get a dialogue going via text, and things are good. really moving along. at some point in this process, I realized that I was still in love with her. not sure how I hadn't realized it up until that point, I guess I just buried it in denial and alcohol. and it certainly helped explain my lack of interest in dating. something about the communication and the energy between us, it really made me feel alive in a way I hadn't in some time. I kept this under wraps and simply kept up the dialogue for the better part of several weeks. I'd wake up in the morning to a text, and we'd communicate all day long. doesn't sound like much, but after almost a solid year of almost no communication, it was like a breath of fresh air. felt like what I had been missing all along. at some point, tho I knew it was jumping the gun, I asked her to have lunch. she declined, saying she wasn't ready for a face to face yet. it didn't bother me, I understood and I knew that I was being a bit forward. I took it in stride. I know this woman, I know her patterns, and she was definitely enjoying being back in contact. so I just told her "the offer is out there, you know where I stand" and left it at that.

at some point in this process, I started to notice patterns in her communication... periods of time where she wouldn't contact, periods of time that she would. so I began to put some feelers out there, and before long I figured out that she's currently seeing someone else. I took it hard and told her it's been wonderful talking with her and that it made me realize that I still loved her, and that it would be impossible for me to be a friend under the circumstances. and with that, we agreed to break. it's not my place to take issue with her choice, and I'm not going to fill her life with drama. if all I can bring to the dialogue is hard feelings, then what good will I be? still, I know this woman well, and I know that she was very much enjoying our contact and was getting similar things from it as I.

my question now is this: what do I do? as I said, I'm not going to contact her when I know i'm feeling weak. at the same time, I sense that the spark is still there and I also know that the both of us have made significant improvements over the past year and there is a very good chance that we'd function much better as a couple now. after a week of no contact, I sent her a simple text telling her I apologize for getting upset, and that I was acting out of hurt. she quickly responded (at 7:00 am on a sunday morning no less) that she wasn't trying to hurt me, and that she was trying to be my friend. also, that I had hurt her by pushing her away.

I'm completely torn down the middle on this one. for now. I'm practicing the art of no contact. I'm not going to initiate anything until I know that I can bring something positive and productive. next month is her birthday. I forgot it last year, and she was very hurt by it (this offers a glimpse into the state of affairs within our relationship at the time). I'm planning on sending her flowers at work, her current relationship be damned. what say the forum? how should I handle this?

[Wakeup]

Either you are a man of conviction or you are a faker. Which is it?

You told her that you would not have anything else to do with her as long as she was in a relationship (which is the proper thing for YOUR OWN emotional well being). Now you're telling us you're thinking of sending her flowers for her birthday. Do you know how that fks with your credibility to me and I don't even know you?
> How do you suppose you will come across to her you being such an easy push over and a man NOT of his word when/if she gets those flowers? Right there and then you'll have just told her that you don't mean what you say.

You should be proud of yourself that you have enough self-worth to back off from someone who isn't free to love you the way you would like her to. You'd do well to give yourself closure until/unless she is as free to date you as you are to date her.

BTW: Congratulations on your sobriety. I hope if you two do get together (when/if she's free) that she's not a drinker.

[solar owl]

you make a god point. however, this story is as complex as it is long. knowing her as I do, and knowing her patterns, she didn't contact me for no particular reason. it was meant to send a message/get a dialogue going. the rest is up to me. this is her way.

[Wakeup]

What are you talking about? You told her that you'd not have a behind his back contact with her and then you turn around and say you're going to send her flowers? That makes not a lot of sense. Either you're a man of conviction and you're going to stay away or you're weak and willing to be her dirty little secret while she keeps the other guy. Your choice. No skin off my nose but I have to question why you came here if you're going to try and justify responses with "this story is complex" and/or "knowing her as I do" if it's that easy for you just do what you're going to do and be done with it. "The rest is up to you"

Choose wisely and not with your balls and heart but with your logic and your brain. Your sobriety is very important to your own health and well being. Don't jeopardize it on the whim of someone who is in a relationship and wants to ingage your emotions while she keeps the other guy at the same time, is my suggestion.

Good luck.

[solar owl]

I dunno, dude. I broke up with her. can't blame a girl for having her guard up. it's not that I can't appreciate what you're saying but it's kind of a little too much dr phil I guess.

also, you're making far too much out of this "sobriety" thing.

dumb forum. later.

[Wakeup]

You can't blame a girl for having her guard up? Whatever! My mistake, you, apparently, have no logical bone in your body so just go with your gut and let the chips fall where they may. O.o

[solar owl]

hey, here I am again... I'd just like to say that I got the woman back in my arms. so, listen up forum: don't pay attention to this wakeup idiot. dude has no clue. peace.

[Cerby]

See you in a few months.