Thinking it might be over

[CAM]

I'm thinking that it might be over. Dated for four months. Very nice woman who is late 30's and takes care of relatives. A homebody. I'm early 40's. I'm very close to my family as well. I'm very organized in my life--I've got it all together and am successful. My house is immaculate, I'm an excellent cook, etc.

So, four months into it, I figure let's see if she can take meeting my folks. It went swimmingly on the surface, but my sense is that she cannot live up to my standard of life. She has said many times that she does not come from a nice home--that its a mess. Her folks aren't like my folks. She actually started crying the other day and said as much. In my mind, she started pulling back emotionally. And, I thought about it...namely, that she was on the point of ending the relationship. I called tonight, but no answer and no call back at this point.

Strange thing is that if it ended, that wouldn't bother me too much...I would not be crushed. My life would continue--was just promoted to a top job, my home and everything is squared away, I have my routines...generally, life is very good for me.

I get this sense that she is not so close to her family--that she does it out of loyalty and yet wants a different life that she doesn't exactly know what it will entail.

I discovered that it bothers her a bit that I'm very close to my family; yet, that's a reality. I know that family will die and I have to create my own life, but conversely, it makes little sense to change a life pattern when your girlfriend hasn't given you a good reason why one should do that. I want someone who wants me and who wants to be part of my family, extended and otherwise....I'm not the type of person who looks for the first opportunity to ditch my family and start off all by myself. Kind of surprised that she'd want that since she's an only child who's lived at home for her whole life.

I get the feeling that she may not be capable of making that "leap." Namely, that she could live up to a new standard of life...rather than embrace that, she's intimidated by that possibility. Sad, really...but I'm glad I pushed the envelope to find out now rather than later.

Anyway, I think I just thought "out loud." Maybe I'm all wrong, but I think that I am not.... I'm old enough to be able to read the signs, I think. Other thoughts?

[lesa]

Sorry to hear about that. Is she the one that was a recent virgin (I think)?

Who knows what the issues were and like you said at least you found out now rather than later.

[misombra]

can anybody live up to that standard?

[IndiReloaded]

Oh Cam.

She has an insecurity about a perceived 'class difference' b/t you and you inspire her to grow by....

dumping her? Allow her to run away?

Not sure what to say, except that if you would give up such an otherwise great-sounding lady so easily, then perhaps its a kindness to her long term?

You've got so much going for you Cam. So much that is RIGHT with your life. You've worked hard, achieved. So why is it that you can't finally expend some of that energy on your personal relationships?

You know that saying: noone on their deathbed ever says "gee, I wished I spent more time away from home"

Don't throw this away for such a trivial non-issue. It was just one visit. Try again. Discuss her fears and your concerns. I can't believe I'm saying this to you of all ppl, Cam, but THINK about this. Hard. Ladies like her don't come along every day. Hustle for her a bit. Whatever do you have to lose?

[lesa]

I think it must be more than that. It sounds to me that she is the one pushing away. She wants to start "new" with just the two of them. It sounds like she is not comfortable with sharing life with the family and extended family.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe it was a plea for support rather than a proclamation of doom, CAM. Maybe she's just feeling a little insecure about it. What do you expect- somebody as emotionally controlled as you? Unlikely.

[misombra]

i don't see how you think she's breaking away from her family when she "takes care of relatives."

anyway, merry christmas!!! i hope you're doing good.

[CAM]

I think it must be more than that. It sounds to me that she is the one pushing away. She wants to start "new" with just the two of them. It sounds like she is not comfortable with sharing life with the family and extended family.

EXACTLY RIGHT!! That's what she wants. She wants me to choose between my family and her...after four months of relationship. Gimme a break.

Anyway, she's being really pushy about New Years...I've hurt her, etc. I essentially said, "Hey, you are making a really nice relationship into a single issue. I reminded her of my physical ailment, which kept me in bed asleep most of Christmas, and I reminded her that we've only seen each other for 4 months and we are both adults with established lives and responsibilities. I just put it out there: If you cannot accept that, then there's nothing more to be said. And, it didn't have to turn out this way.

Bottom line: two weeks ago, she met my folks at my folks' house. It was more or less, "Meet the nice woman I'm dating." She hasn't stopped commenting on "how together" my parents' home is and how she just couldn't possibly live up to that standard. I'm very persnicktey in my home; very nice but modest. She proceeded to list off all the things that I do in my home to make it special for me...well, if she were in my life, she said, she wouldn't be doing those things. I didn't make a huge deal out of her words...I don't get into arguments over this kind of stuff. I just make decisions.

So, yeah...she's pushing away and simultaneously seeing if I'll bend to her will. Ridiculous, really...but such is life.

[CAM]

Maybe it was a plea for support rather than a proclamation of doom, CAM. Maybe she's just feeling a little insecure about it. What do you expect- somebody as emotionally controlled as you? Unlikely.

I'm emotionally controlled because I have to be: my physical condition is such that I would become deathly ill if I didn't try to remain Stoic. Inside, it hurts but I can't let it eat me alive because it will.

[CAM]

i don't see how you think she's breaking away from her family when she "takes care of relatives."

anyway, merry christmas!!! i hope you're doing good.

Thanks! I often miss you and yet, we've never actually met. Merry Christmas (+1 day).

[misombra]

maybe you need somebody who is more independent and less like yourself in your life. maybe it can help you let loose a little.

could you really stand somebody who just did whatever you wanted and fit your mold? i don't know that you could. i think you would complain about someone too boring.

also has it occured to you that maybe she's not ready to be part of your family only after 4 months? that's something that takes time. relationships take time to develop. that was their first time meeting and she was probably incredibly nervous to begin with. i'm sure you were as well.

anyway i don't believe that this woman is trying to break you away from your family. i just refuse to believe that a good person would do that kind of thing.

[misombra]

Thanks! I often miss you and yet, we've never actually met. Merry Christmas (+1 day).

well thanks. perhaps it's good we've never met because i possess pretty much all the things you claim to dislike in a woman.

[CAM]

maybe you need somebody who is more independent and less like yourself in your life. maybe it can help you let loose a little.

could you really stand somebody who just did whatever you wanted and fit your mold? i don't know that you could. i think you would complain about someone too boring.

also has it occured to you that maybe she's not ready to be part of your family only after 4 months? that's something that takes time. relationships take time to develop. that was their first time meeting and she was probably incredibly nervous to begin with. i'm sure you were as well.

anyway i don't believe that this woman is trying to break you away from your family. i just refuse to believe that a good person would do that kind of thing.

Well, this is possible. I think she's very immature for her age and has alot of dreams about freedom from family, etc. that will likely go unrealized. She is also potentially manipulative in a young, insecure girly way. That's a shame, but one does have to provide a nudge towards maturity and such. I'm sure that she was nervous meeting my folks--I was pretty on-the-mark with my parents' reaction: they liked her but thought that she might be a touch immature; Mom had mouthed silently to me, "She's cute" and smiled. I wasn't too surprised by this. In short, I really wasn't nervous; I'm old enough at this point

She is a good person, but she's going to have to choose between growing up or staying in her Barbie-doll infested bedroom forever--the latter is not a joke, its true. I'm doing her a favor, believe me. She wants to leave home, but she doesn't know how to leave or what to do in the real world.

I'm not an overly-coddling-type of guy--come to think of it, I'm more or less...a guy. I'm not a jerk. I was very direct but nice and complimentary in my message to her. I reminded her that I too have feelings. And, I left the door open to her rethinking her position.

I don't want a follower...I want an adult, thinking, woman. She's very smart but has cocooned herself in youthful thinking to avoid dealing with adult realities. My aunt did that and never left home...lived with her mother (my grandmother) for her whole life and died one year after my grandmother...she had no life; a nice woman, but emotionally, she was forever a child.

[CAM]

well thanks. perhaps it's good we've never met because i possess pretty much all the things you claim to dislike in a woman.

Really...you're beautiful, mature, and smart, huh? Yeah, I really dislike those qualities....

[misombra]

Well, this is possible. I think she's very immature for her age and has alot of dreams about freedom from family, etc. that will likely go unrealized. She is also potentially manipulative in a young, insecure girly way. That's a shame, but one does have to provide a nudge towards maturity and such. I'm sure that she was nervous meeting my folks--I was pretty on-the-mark with my parents' reaction: they liked her but thought that she might be a touch immature; Mom had mouthed silently to me, "She's cute" and smiled. I wasn't too surprised by this. In short, I really wasn't nervous; I'm old enough at this point

She is a good person, but she's going to have to choose between growing up or staying in her Barbie-doll infested bedroom forever--the latter is not a joke, its true. I'm doing her a favor, believe me. She wants to leave home, but she doesn't know how to leave or what to do in the real world.

I'm not an overly-coddling-type of guy--come to think of it, I'm more or less...a guy. I'm not a jerk. I was very direct but nice and complimentary in my message to her. I reminded her that I too have feelings. And, I left the door open to her rethinking her position.

I don't want a follower...I want an adult, thinking, woman. She's very smart but has cocooned herself in youthful thinking to avoid dealing with adult realities. My aunt did that and never left home...lived with her mother (my grandmother) for her whole life and died one year after my grandmother...she had no life; a nice woman, but emotionally, she was forever a child.

barbie dolls in her room. lol. wow. well at least you got some sex. you were needing that pretty bad .