Lost

[blackbrown]

There is a history and, of course, that has an impact, but what of it now? I love Agata. She knows I love her. She is an alcoholic. She avoids being alone with me when sober. When drunk, our clothes stand no chance of survival if alone together. She has a boyfriend she does not love. Her boyfriend does not love her in a way that matters. She has a girlfriend she may actually love, and though her girlfriend loves her too, she only takes advantage of her when drunk. Her girlfriend's best friends are whoever takes her out drinking. When the pressure of being sober builds up, when the leash extending from her loveless boyfriend becomes too short, and when her sexual aggression can no longer be restrained, Agata turns to her girlfriend for release because it has less guilt associated with it than being with a man.

Where do I fit in all of this? If I knew I wouldn't be writing. It may not seem like I do from what I wrote above, but I assure you, I do. Let me indulge my ego for a moment and risk a very large untruth - Agata is in love with me, more so than anyone else, but she feels it is impossible for us to be together. The tension between us has become unbearable. We have not had sex. Each time she is drunk we push things further and, at this point, we have done everything but the ultimate thing. It has been more my choice to not have sex than hers. When sober, a wall is up. She does let it down - only slightly and occasionally - but it is very difficult and I find it difficult to balance between the closed door that is sober Agata and the open invitation that is drunk Agata.

I am on fire for her. I live in a dark and wild place and I see little light without her. As I said, there is a history, but too many details become cumbersome. How we got to this place is something not to be addressed here. What to do is the question. Do I just **** her the next time she gets drunk? (We know chemistry is not a problem between us - even when she's sober she admits that). Or do I be aggressive? She has never told me how she feels about me one way or the other - when sober. When drunk, well, she "needs" me, etc. I can't help but feel that I may be no more than an available body. I do not wish to be a dick to her boyfriend - who is also my personal friend. But I can't help to feel that what is between her and I is more important than what she has with her boyfriend or her girlfriend.

[blackbrown]

bumping my own thread