Lost my girlfriend

[Tomothy]

This is a bit long, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. I'm from the US. I just graduated from college/university in May. On the third to last day before graduation I met a girl. Right away we had a connection and I had a crush. We parted after we had to leave campus but agreed to see each other. She was living near New York and I was living near Boston. We talked on the phone every night and she visited me in early June for a few days. I visited her near the end of June for a few days. It was clear that we were falling in love with each other.

However, I had been planning since before I met her to go to Madrid for a year to teach English, have fun, and learn better Spanish. I left at the end of June but we decided to stay together while I was away, visiting when we could and talking on the phone every day. As soon as I got there I missed her so much that it hurt and I was crying often thinking of how far away she was and how long it would be until I saw her.

She started a job in July in Washington, DC and I started an English teaching program as soon as I got to Madrid. I soon realized that teaching English was not for me and I quit the program. My living situation kind of fell apart as my landlady started treating me badly. I got a job at a bar, which I loved, but I still missed her terribly. As I complained to her about the messy situation I was in, she kept inviting me to come to Washington to be with her. Eventually, I agreed. This all happened in only three weeks.

I arrived in Washington in mid-July and I was to stay with her until I found my own place and until I got a job. I was so excited to see her that any thoughts of my failure in Spain did not affect me. From the moment I saw her at the airport, I could feel something was different. She wasn't the same sweet girl that I knew. She didn't look at me the same way as before. She did not seem nearly as happy to see me as I was to see her. Over the next few weeks she was extremely irritable, she criticized me, yelled at me, and just generally verbally abused me. I kept asking her what was wrong but she never gave me a straight answer. We fought often and she kept waffling between "I don't believe that you love me" to "I think the problem is that you care about me more than I do about you." I was so confused and hurt. Despite all of this, we both confessed our love to each other and had many good times too.

I got a job and a place to live in Washington and was all set by the end of August. She had kept saying that we should break up and when I moved out, we did. I was crushed but also angry and confused enough that it didn't really hit me. Two days later she called and told me she missed me. We began spending time together, a lot of it good, but some if it was still filled with fights and her being irritated towards me. It was never really clear what the status of our relationship was. I was beyond confused.

During our fights bits of information kept coming out. From what I gather, she was unsure whether she wanted to be with me when I got back and, instead of telling me, decided to be mean to me to scare me away so I would break up with her. She was also depressed because the move from college/university was a big adjustment for her and she gets irritable when depressed. Apparently, after she had been pushing me away for about six weeks or so, she realized that she did want to be with me and she truly loved me. By then, I was fairly distanced though and did not want to spend as much time with her as she wanted to spend with me. I still loved my time with her but I wanted some space. She kept inviting me over to spend the night at her place. Sometimes I went and sometimes I didn't. Whenever I didn't she got very upset and cried. It was very hard for me and I was very confused about the situation and my own feelings. Eventually, I told her I did not love her anymore and, although she was very hurt, we kept seeing each other.

Near the end of September, we had a huge fight and it was then that she told me that she had changed her mind about intentionally pushing me away because she had realized that she wanted me. Until this point I had still been under the impression that she thought we were not right for each other and that it was a doomed relationship. She had still been sweet, nice, and affectionate often, which confused me. Apparently, at some point, she had changed her mind and decided she really wanted me. It was during that fight that I found this out. I had been horribly confused but, during this fight, it became clear to me.

I guess I was so hurt and angered by this information that a day or two after the fight I broke up with her and said that it would take some time for me to be able to be friends with her because it would hurt too much. She asked me not to give up and to stay, but in my angry state, I thought it was best. I told her that I would call her in about a week.

After four days of not talking to her, I realized that I loved her and that I could get past all of the messiness that had taken place given that she loved me and truly wanted me. After I called her it took a few days before we got to talk and she said that she didn't want me back. She was too hurt and could not be with me. She said that maybe sometime in the future we could be together but not now. I pleaded with her, apologized, told her I loved her, cried to her, but nothing worked. I have been trying to convince her to take me back for about 10 days now and I've pretty much lost hope. I am so heart-broken and I don't know what to do.

I know this is very long, but, if you had the patience to read it, what should I do? Should I give up? Give her space? Should I be friends with her hoping she realizes that she wants me? How could she go from wanting me to not wanting me in only four days? Any thoughts?

[cbee]

Oh hell, sounds like both of you have messed eachother about. I think you should just leave it, otherwise it will probably go round in circles with you getting back together & splitting up ad infinitum.

If I was in your position, and only knowing what you've written, I'd hope I could leave, knowing I cared but that we just weren't good together.

[neo511]

if it was my story.. maybe.. i would ask her.. what is important to her.. why she feels like breaking up and separating will solve the problem.. COMMUNICATION... using marraige as an example.. would you rather be all in, her half in and YOU be happy?.. or would you rather be apart? hope if give you food for thought..
good luck

[Anthony]

Be patient. It seems as if you have both made mistakes in the relationship that have hurt the other, however one of the (thankfully) redeeming qualities of loving someone is being able to forgive. You were able to forgive her for hurting you; in all likelyhood, given time, she'll do the same for you.

[Tomothy]

Thanks for all of the advice.

[blue]

dear tim,
give this time. giver her time. but i think that if you two can be honest and communicate correctly like not arguing about it to actually get your true feelings out then things will be ok....