Hi, I'm new. This is my first post and I'm gonna cut right to the chase.
Sorry, I know this is a little long but any advice would be appreciated.
Ok, 2 years ago I told my best female friend that I had feelings for her. Long story short, things didn't work out. While at one point it looked like I may have ruined our friendship, in the long run it actually brought us closer together. She gained a huge level of trust in me. I'd convinced her and myself that I no longer had any desires for anything more and that I was content with what I had. She left for her first year of college and I went off to my second year but first in a new school.
I spent the better part of the next 2 semesters drinking, smoking weed, and having one night stands. I would see her on school breaks like Christmas and such. During that time she met the love her life and that led to her first long term serious relationship. Here's where things get a little weird. You would think I'd be somewhat upset by this. I wasn't! I couldn't have been happier for her. Once I met the guy and he got my approval that is. I became the older brother she never had. Surprisingly, I liked it! I embraced it! I know that is something guys almost NEVER say but it's true. I enjoyed being her "go to" guy and as a result I had one of the best friends anyone could ever hope for. We even went as far as to joke about when she gets married I'll be the one taking the groom to the bachelor party but making sure he still gets up in time for the wedding the next day.
Fast forward to around Christmas time last year. She's still in the heart of her relationship and at the same time I'm taking an interest in a mutual friend of ours. Things were going well (my friend was even helping me out a little) but then i screwed that all up with a drunk dial one night. Kept pursuing that girl for 6 months, convinced that she was the one I absolutely wanted. Due to her self-esteem problems and the fact that i ruined any chance of her fully trusting me that didn't go down.
2 weeks ago, her boyfriend of 15 months broke up with her. Naturally, I offered my shoulder for her to cry on and my services should she need someone to beat the holy hell out of him. Fortunately she didn't. Upon consoling her for the past 2 weeks and getting together with her this weekend, I came to a scary realization. I'm not over her! I still like her! I can't lie to myself anymore. The problem is, i don't know what to do! I can't lose her friendship. She's no longer just my best female friend. She's the best friend I've got. We've become like family to each other. She made it clear 2 years ago that she does not see me in "that way" and we'd never be anything more than friends. Why was I so content when she was taken and now that she's single again I have these desires? It makes no sense! I was so content with the way things were. But now I'm so attracted to her and it's almost as bad as 2 years ago. What do I do?
If 2 years, one of hardcore partying and one night stands, another guy in her life, my pursuit of another woman, and my initial content with being a brother to her aren't enough to get over her, what is? I mean, she's my best friend and right now I feel like I been lying to my best friend for over 2 years.