Worred about girlfriend leaving

[Elish]

Hey, first time posting. Kinda nervous. I guess part of me thins that, if I take my concerns public, that'll give them more power and validity. Still, I think I might need help. Also, be warned: long post. I just want to cover all the bases and make sure the situation is understood.

I've been in a relationship with my girl friend for just over a year now. She's wonderful. However, over the past week or so I've been rather concerned with her behavior, which began about a week ago today.

About two weeks ago we went out on our first-year anniversary. (Her words, not mine. I point this out because, in some ways, she is kinda reserved when it comes to talking bluntly about something like that.) The night went well. We enjoyed ourselves, and much of the week went pretty well... until Saturday. I went over to her place and we hung out; we were studying and working on projects, mostly. The last week of classes for the quarter were a few days away. When I arrived, she seemed rather... depressed. Distant. Cold, even. This change in mood was very, very sudden. I stayed with her for much of the day and, sensing something wrong, tried to ask her about it. As usual when she's depressed, she responded with either a shrug or some other non-committal comment. Still worried but thinking she was having a normal mood swing, I simply hung out, gave her attention (which she didn't respond to), then drove us back to my place to meet up with friends for a game of RPG.

This is where things really began to concern me.

She seemed much more outgoing with our friends. Talked more, laughed, concentrated better on her work and game. This made me feel better, but after all was said and done, and I drove her back home, she seemed very depressed again and didn't respond to my inquires about her mood and health.

This sort of thing has been going on for a week now. Seems depressed and distant around me, yet her normal perky self when with others. Lately, though, she's been more extroverted, yet remains distanced, in a sense. Tonight we and some friends went out. It was freezing, soI put my arm around her in the car and she promptly huddled against me. Later she seemed physically distant, and other times not. And one of the last things she said that night really struck me, though. A mutual friend mentioned that she needs to train me more, to which she replied, "Oh, he's a lost cause." We three were all sitting together looking through some movies. She's always had a kinda mean sense of humor, which is consistent with everyone, but this one just really bothered me.


In short, I guess, I'm getting a lot of mixed messages. So... what should I do? I'm willing to do anything for her. Willing to talk about her emotions. I mean, I'm not the best conversationalist, and I'm a pretty quiet, introverted kinda guy, but I'm more than willing to listen and respond when it comes to her emotions. I've said as much to her several times in the past. So... gah, I don't know. -_-

[miSSleepy]

Tell her that things can't keep going the way they are. Just say that you've noticed changes in her and that her comment about you being a lost cause struck a nerve. Tell her that she should respect you enough at least to have a decent talk about what's bothering her, be it the relationship or something completely different. And if she can't do this, then you can't keep wasting time and energy on something she doesn't seem to value.

[MadKat]

Yeah talk to her how you feel, then ask her what's bothering her. If she said nothing, it means plenty of thing to which she don't know where to start.

So, let her have her time to think. You should stop worrying about her right now if i were you, but doesn't mean don't care.

Do this and I believe you will find out your answer soon...but be prepare.

[sine24]

You don't deserve to be treated like that. Of course your girlfriend might be feeling a bit moody sometimes..but for a whole week? come on! you're her boyfriend. you seem like you're really there for her, but she needs to wake up and realise that you can't always keep this up if your love isn't being reciprocated. if she is mad at you for some reason, tell her to be upfront about it and respect you enough to discuss it with you. i suggest you change the way you've been acting towards her and be a little more assertive and demand answers, rather than be there for her when she decides she wants you to be. the fact that you stated you're willing to do anything for her, makes you a walking doormat to girls like that. the way she's behaving could very well be depression..or it could be a sign that her feelings for you have changed, she's seeking attention, or purely and simply because she doesn't care. whatever the reason, you still deserve respect. i hope she wakes up to her senses and realises what a good guy she has. if not, you'll eventually find someone that would be proud to show you off to their friends, rather than making rude comments about you being a lost cause.

i hope you end up with all you wish for! lots of love!

[Elish]

I have to admit, I'm not the confident individual you'll ever run across, nor the most confrontational. But I believe that, if things don't change some time tomorrow, I'll try and talk to her about this, but I'm not quite sure how to lead into that discussion. I suppose I can open it up with something like, "I know you've been depressed for a little while, but never acknowledged it with me. I wanted to ask if you were better, and what it was that first prompted it?" Then if she still seems distant, come out and ask, "Are WE okay?"

As for that comment she made, I'm still not sure what to feel or think. On the one hand, to me it seemed almost downright cruel. To someone else, it might be easily shrugged off. Do I need to confront this directly, too, or just develop a better sense of humor? Though the latter is certainly true, I think I may raise that comment in this discussion.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Like, things are going superb between yourself and your significant other -- you two just celebrate something and are happy enough, she's holding your hand, laughing -- then everything turns around (or at least SEEMS to) in a single day?

Also, if any of you know of a good self-help resource -- for things like communication skills, especially chit-chat -- I'd greatly appreciate a reference.


EDIT: Does it mean anything that a stuffed toy I gave her some months ago is still one of her most prized and defended possessions? See, it's things like this, coupled with the emotional distance, that's getting to me. -.-

[SunRiSer]

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Like, things are going superb between yourself and your significant other -- you two just celebrate something and are happy enough, she's holding your hand, laughing -- then everything turns around (or at least SEEMS to) in a single day?

yea,
frontal confrontation on it... that's what i did.
i refused to leave until she started talking,
it worked, but i cant garantee that it'll work for u

[GrkScorp]

A mutual friend mentioned that she needs to train me more, to which she replied, "Oh, he's a lost cause."

Excuse me?

If she replied anything other than: "Excuse me? Train him more? What is he? Some kind of dog? This is my bf you're talking about! If I wanted something to train, i'd get a puppy. How dare you! I'm not some little immature girl, and I love him; take that back right now!"

Instant Break-up

Don't get me wrong, guys are very similar to dogs.. they have no problem taking orders (unlike cats), but only for people they (love, respect, or fear).. Sure, you can "train" a dog, but that type of conditioning is getting it to do something out of fear.. not a romantic motivator.. if you punish/reward condition it.. then it's fear and respect, still not romantic.. And the strongest free-will motivator is love.. a dog naturally learns what his owner responds to positively and negatively without need for "training".. and the dog responds accordingly, because it wants the owner to be happy.. it loves and respects the owner..

You can take orders from your boss out of fear.. orders from your friends out of respect, and orders from your partner out of love.. that's ok.. but out of fear? that's uncalled for..

From day-1, be a lost cause.. Make it perfectly clear and well-known non-verbally or at least not directly or explicitly, that all efforts to train you are futile and in vain.. that every attempt at training is going to be met back with zero compliance and a nasty bite; that you won't feel the least bit guilty about.. and that if she's still a firm believer of training, you'll be more than happy to train her quite well, so well that it seems what she's doing is a result of her own free will & choice.. or, accept eachother "as is".. or, mutually compromise (which means BOTH of you, HER included) on things..

Break-up talking points:

- She showed her true colors, and how warm, nice, mature, deep, sophisticated, and feminine she is (sarcasm)
- You're doing both of you a favor; you are doing her a favor by letting her snap back to reality and grow up and mature one day when she realizes that the person you "love" isn't there to be "trained".. you're doing yourself a favor by no longer being with someone like her

That's all you need to say.. it's not some U.N. meeting.. say it, and walk away.. you've done what you need to do.. ignore the drama that's going to follow..

It's going to be easy to cope when YOU are the one who broke things off, and SHE is the cause of action (the person who did something wrong)..

[Elish]

Thought I'd keep updates going, both to get additional advice, an outside perspective, and partially for me to keep track of events.

Okay, so I came over here to her place. (Quick description: she and my friend live together with two other friends. My friend and I were originally supposed to room together, but other housing arrangements -- for me -- interrupted those plans. So they, both wanting an apartment, happened to sign up for the same one.) Anyways, she's been very aloof and out of it all day. When I got here she woke up from a nap. She seemed 'tired' ALL day. Wasn't able to get her to say much, to neither myself nor my friend.

There is ONE thing, however, that REALLY bothered me: their eye contact. Eye contact for them was maybe 75% towards one another, the rest to me. Even when I spoke to one or both of them directly. That REALLY disturbs me. I know it might not sound like much -- it might not affect anyone else -- but I caught it quick and I'm just left feeling ill inside...

HOWEVER, I was able to give her a back massage, which she seemed to both need and want. Seemed to enjoy it. Still, I was talking to another, more objective friend of mine about the subject later on, and the question in my mind that arose was: "In her own mind, who's giving this massage -- her boyfriend, a friend, or a complete stranger?" Still, she never flinched away at all, and leaned into the back massage. Of course, me being normal, paranoid ol' me, thought, "And all during this time she's probably staring at my friend, since I can't see her eyes." -_-

At any rate, I'm staying the night (I asked both and it seemed okay to them). I asked my friend (the one currently residing with her) about whether he knew why she was so down. He said, "I don't know, she never tells me, anything."

Finally, I was able to pull her aside and talk to her about this. I asked whether she was feeling better from last week, and why she seemed so down now. Reinforced the statement that she can talk to me about ANYTHING bother her, and that though she doesn't necessarily have to talk to me about them at great length, I'd still like to know WHAT is bothering her. Also made it obvious yet unstated (directly, any way) that I felt insecure about us. The responses were, "No, I'm just really tired," and "I'm fine." No more, no less. I had decided earlier today to just stop speculating about things in my mind and be more direct with her, but that doesn't seem to have helped me, much...

Soooooo... mixed messages suck. I'm persisting though, but trying to keep a cool, rational (HAH!) head about these things.

._.

[NeoSeminole]

sorry, I didn't read the whole thread. So maybe my advice is not applicable. Your gf deserves someone who will make her happy and you deserve someone who will be happy with you. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to please her or feel like you're walking on eggshells around her.

[vashti]

Do you suspect there is something going on between your girlfriend and your friend?

For the record, I am pretty traditional about the roommate situation. Unless one party or the other is gay or they find each other physically revolting, I don't think it's a good idea to have opposite sex roommates. One drunken night with lowered inhibitions, and that's all she wrote... That's not to say it can NEVER work out, of course, but why tempt fate?

[Elish]

Fortunately neither of them drink. My girlfriend is, like me, especially against alcohol. As for the roommate situation, there are four people in all: these two, and two others. Three rooms; the two girls have their own private rooms.

As for something going on between them: yeah, I have my suspicions. I know other friends have asked this guy whether he had romantic feelings for her, which he denied. He also says things to me like, "Come on over, you'll make her happy." But these are just words...

I don't know if I'm being extraordinarily paranoid or not. My mind just keeps going around in these circles... She has, in the past, gone through experiences where she was very aloof around everyone, very depressed for a week or so on end. Maybe it's this roommate situation that's injecting these other, paranoid, insecure thoughts into my head. I just wish I could get her to talk with me. I've asked my 'friend' whether he knows how she's doing, to which he said, "I don't know, she never tells me anything." Yeah, well, I can say the same.

[GrkScorp]

The responses were, "No, I'm just really tired," and "I'm fine." No more, no less.

Ok.. if there was REALLY no issue, and everything was peaches and cream.. here's what a normal person would say:

- No, why would you say that? Do YOU think something's wrong?
- No, lol, what's wrong with you.. why, how am I acting?
- No, I'm fine... why?

There's a direct and explicit rejection of your claim, lack of justification or an "excuse", and a willingness to find out why you feel that way "to re-assure you that nothing is wrong".. That's a normal response from someone who is still interested in you..

What YOU got, was a polite/fake-nice response:

- I'm fine
- No, i'm just really tired

Woah! Back up buddy! You didn't even say anything to suggest you don't believe her, and she's already making excuses to try and justify her "no" claim? Looks like someone is feeling a bit guilty on the inside.. why? Could she be a little dishonest maybe? Yeah.. And the "i'm fine" comment is a stand alone comment.. it lacks a "no".. and so, she might as well tell you "leave me alone, I don't want to talk about it, you should already know what's wrong, ugh, i'm so frustrated sometimes with you at how much of a moron you are".. (see also, "nothing")

Eye contact with a friend of yours.. Let me tell you, that alone doesn't add up to much.. but considering the other parts of your story.. when you put them all together.. I'm sorry, but.. it would seem there's either something intentional or accidental going on.. in either case.. there IS something going on between them.. when she can communicate with an other guy so well, that all she needs to do is express her thoughts and emotions through use of her eyes.. and she doesn't even come close to that level of communication with you.. you messed up..

Honestly, yes, she's a little insensitive.. she's a bit immature, and ill-mannered.. BUT I can make a stronger case for YOU neglecting her and not understanding her better.. No, i'm not saying you should shave your head, give her your balls, and get ready for full-frontal brainwash-training.. but if the dog keeps peeing on the carpet, and doesn't learn to stop on it's own.. you give it a small push and some incentive to stop.. if it doesn't.. you start to get a little serious with the training.. but if it still doesn't stop.. and you're not willing to bear with it doing it all the time.. you're either going to leave, or get a new dog.. It's every owner's dream to either get a well-trained dog.. OR, a very "understanding" one.. who will know or learn very quickly what she likes and dislikes.. without need for "training"..

Take a moment, and put all of that together in your head.. let it sit there.. connect them.. and when you make that connection.. Look at everything that's taken place between the two of you, from the very beginning, through this new light.. As you notice all the moments where you failed to properly "understand" her.. just try and imagine, if you can, how it would feel like for her.. to be with someone.. who would not give her that level of understanding she wanted.. who would instead give her constant frustration.. almost like she felt trapped.. and the need to escape.. With this other guy, your friend, she probably found some level of understanding that she didn't have with you..

Don't try to fix "it".. You messed up.. there's no question about it.. just exit.. leave it be.. and let it go.. but before you do.. learn from it! Learn WHY you messed up.. why you failed to be understanding, how you could be more understading.. or exactly what it means to be more understanding.. and while you're letting other girls into your life.. try and BE understanding.. and let this whole thing be a lesson on what mistakes to never make again.. the mistake of neglecting to understand the other person properly..

[GrkScorp]

I just wish I could get her to talk with me. I've asked my 'friend' whether he knows how she's doing, to which he said, "I don't know, she never tells me anything." Yeah, well, I can say the same.

Hold on one second.. let me just repeat that.. "I wish I could get her (girlfriend) to talk with me".. No? Still nothing? Not sinking in yet?

"I wish I could get my girlfriend to talk with me!"

Please tell me you find something awkward about that sentence!

How on earth are the two of you dating or in a relationship if there's this almost total lack of communication and understanding?

She never tells you anything?

Look, honestly, this is not a relationship.. I get better communication and understanding with complete strangers..

This is not the kind of relationship you want with someone.. And that also applies to her.. if you think YOU are frustrated because of the lack of communication and understanding between the two of you.. just think about how she must feel..

I know, you're thinking about ways to try and make it better.. to fix it.. but in order to do that.. you have to have some help.. from her.. you can't be the only one trying to fix things and make them better.. but for the moment, that's exactly what's going on.. she's not indicating that she's the least bit willing to work things out.. just sitting there.. until you get frustrated and give her reason to break things off so she doesn't feel like she broke things off for "no real reason".. she will eventually.. via the "we grew apart" route.. because it's already happened..

So if you're just going to sit there and take "No, i'm just really tired", "I'm fine", "nothing" as an answer.. if you're going to sit there and not dig deeper, demand to know, not give up until you do.. then you're just sitting there, and making both of you very frustrated..

And if that's the case, I think you know what the right thing to do is.. for the both of you..

[lastwish]

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Like, things are going superb between yourself and your significant other -- you two just celebrate something and are happy enough, she's holding your hand, laughing -- then everything turns around (or at least SEEMS to) in a single day?

Oh my..yes. Something is bothering her. You have to talk to her about it. Don't be wishy washy about it. Ask her directly. Communication is very important in a relationship so don't be afraid of confrontations. If she becomes resistent and refuse, she is letting her inner child take over her. If you love her, you can try having a serious talk with her coupled with positive incentives. Perhaps she wants YOU to take the effort in understanding her. Perseverance is what you need here.

But on the other hand, if she is a mean person, why would you want her in the first place? Everyone has an inner child but if she is completely irrational, she is a lost cause.