ex lover issues

[thetrickster]

Sorry that I didn't make myself clear previously....

I want to know from a woman's perspective how a woman approaches an ex lover.

I'm in a slightly transitional period with my gf. Recently, we've had some 'gentler' time with each other - almost in a full relationship but not quite. During this period she has re ignited a relationship with her ex lover as a friend and I struggle with idea that they will remain just friends. He's married and has had a covert relationship with her previously. I wonder if she's likely to be still tuned into him and I should confront her. If so, how and what do I say to elicit the truth?

Thanks again for reading...

:0)

[smackie9]

You are not in a official relationship so she can do whatever she wants. If you don't approve, just tell her you don't feel comfortable with it. If she says no piss off, then you go find someone else to date.

[thetrickster]

Thanks for the reply.

I'm comfortable about that fact that she can see anyone at this time but we are getting very close to renewing our relationship fully and this guy was a slight sticking point for us before (when she formally pushed him away). Our mini break has seen him return, and I want to get a better female perspective on her likely drivers and how I should handle myself.

Once you have been lovers, is it really possible to not have feelings for each other?

I know from a boys perspective that any opportunity to have a bit of cheekiness is very tempting, especially if it's covert - how do women feel about this? For example when girls are on foreign holidays they are much more liberal because the 'social' risk of being 'labelled' is reduced.

Do women, that feel they can get away with the discretion of an ex lover, feel more tempted to snuggle up so to speak or do u feel completely able/natural to re-impose the friendship barriers - because I know as a bloke it's almost impossible shake off the feeling that there's a good chance to enjoy a little discreet closeness.

[Vanessa]

I want to know from a woman's perspective how a woman approaches an ex lover.

I don't approach them, period.

Once you have been lovers, is it really possible to not have feelings for each other?

Yes, but why would you want to be friends with an ex? Doesn't she have other friends? You can tell her it bothers you but if she says she'll keep on doing it like smackie said you should find someone else because otherwise it'll keep bugging you the whole time you're with her.

[thetrickster]

Thanks Vanessa.

So, what I think you might be saying, is 'Why stay friends when there's plenty of other people that you like, unless there's unfinished business'

??

[Wakeup]

This is what you said in one of your many threads all about this girl who strings you along while being in love with a married man:

It feels like I need to confront her about her intentions and if he is just a friend, then put that friendship out in the open ie not discreet late evening alone.

have you had this conversation with her yet? If so what was her response to you? If you haven't then you're a big ole door mat who would rather ask strangers for their guesses then actually find out the truth because you're so afraid to rock the boat you'd rather put up with crap and just whine about it then be alone while you process this failed folly

I know as a bloke it's almost impossible shake off the feeling that there's a good chance to enjoy a little discreet closeness.

... and I'm pretty sure that your (ex?)gf feels the same way as you do considering she's sneeking away alone with this married wipe to the wee hours of the morning.

[Vanessa]

Thanks Vanessa.

So, what I think you might be saying, is 'Why stay friends when there's plenty of other people that you like, unless there's unfinished business'

??

I'm saying, from my perspective: I'm friends with certain people for various reasons, each friendship is different, but I have no romantic interest in those people. I don't think you can simply remove that romantic attachment you once had for someone and be friends as if nothing ever happened. I wouldn't want to stay friends with an ex for that reason, I wanted that person as a lover, not as a friend, and I don't think that can change. You can stop wanting someone as a lover, but I don't think you can suddenly want that person as a friend afterwards. Why would you when that wasn't their initial purpose in your life? There are other people I have as friends, why would I try to turn an ex into a friend too?

[thetrickster]

Thanks again.

I think you're right in saying - why would you want to make a friend from an old lover. If they fulfil you like no other friend, then it's dangerous ground. And if they don't fulfil you in a special way, then why bother with the complexity, especially if they're married!

Ergo, if the relationship exists after being lovers, its probably because it still means something special. Is it possible that the 'special-ness' could just be a nice social comfort - and not sexually charged. It would have to be very special as a friendship to be worth the hassle and risk...

[Wakeup]

Is it possible that the 'special-ness' could just be a nice social comfort - and not sexually charged. It would have to be very special as a friendship to be worth the hassle and risk...

Are you going to keep asking questions until you hear what you want to hear? She loves her married lover... he's NOT just a friend. If you want to be there to fill the gap when he can't sneak away from his wife then carry on. I think you have no self-worth if you stick around for her crumbs. Just like she has no self-respect as she clings onto her married lover and his crumbs.

One of you (or all of you) are putting yourself at a higher risk for stds and the only innocent one who is in the dark here is the bastards unsuspecting wife. Why do you want any part of her and all that?

[thetrickster]

Thanks.

Your perspective has really helped.

Now, we need to act!!

Thanks again - maybe chat before long

:0)