I've done something stupid... twice!

[NatReturns]

Hi guys,

I am new to this site but I really need some help & advice - I'm not expecting an easy time when you hear what I have done.

4 years ago I split with my partner of 5 years. I hadn't loved him for 2 of those years and I met someone else before finishing with him. From then on I vowed to always be truthful and end things before they got to that point.

Guess what.. I am back there again. I have been with my partner for 2 years. I got with him shortly after a relationship ended and I have always had a feeling something wasn't right. I made a decision 6 mths ago that I didn't love him, but have been scared to end it as I know it would be a shock to him. I have recently been talking to a guy at work, e-mailing & txting, and last night he kissed me, and I didn't stop him.

I feel so stupid that I have let myself get in to this situation again. I feel like I can't have a relationship without cheating and I hate myself for it. I am planning on speaking to my boyfriend this weekend, and is something I should have done ages ago, I know that.

I guess I just want people's experiences/opinions. As I said I can't believe what I did - is there something really wrong with me to do such an awful thing?

Sorry for the long message but I needed to get it all out.

[trisha]

I was cheated on before and it hurts like hell. if it's just okay for you that someone will get hurt at the end, then continue what you're doin. just remember that karma bites like hell as well.

but I'm not saying that you're a bad person, it's just more on controlling oneself, just be honest to yourself and to your partner to avoid betrayal...

take care...

[NatReturns]

Thanks so much for being honest.

I am going to finish with my current partner - I've known it's not working for long enough. And I'm going to be on my own for a while to try and figure out why I have behaved like this again

[trisha]

you're welcome nat...

you behaved like that maybe because you're already not into him already. I did cheat before as well but we both know that it's not our intention. It just happened and I bet you also regretted at the end...

[hopefulunsure]

All you did "wrong" was to not finish with the guy sooner. If you had, then that kiss you allowed wouldn't have been a foul ball.

[Primo]

I kind of feel like `Bono` quoting myself Nat, but I posted this on a thread just a few days ago.

most people tend to break up or walk away when they're comfortably secure in something else, not prior.

What you did wasn't the best thing for all parties involved, but don't beat yourself up over it. The majority of people do the same thing, so you're in good company.

Sometimes it's selfish, because the person is afraid of being single, sometimes it's done because they feel horrible knowing they're going to crush the other persons world when they tell them they want to breakup.

Alot of relationships are based on a one-way soulmate if you will, one half is hopelessly, helplessly, completely in love...the other half, well not so much. So of course when it all comes crashing down they have no idea and are devastated, while the other person has been thinking about moving on, sometimes for years.

Get up the strength to tell your boyfriend today that it's over. It's not going to make it any easier no matter when you do it.

And stop hating yourself for being human

[Bumble_bee]

you're not only lying to yourself/partner when you stick with the ones you do not love anymore,....you're wasting your/thier time too.

the 2 years without love thing takes the biscuit, sort this current bf situation out as soon as possible.

[NatReturns]

Thanks everybody. i really appreciate the advice.

Just got to get on and finish it now, eek!

Regarding the two years thing, it was with my first ever boyfriend when I was about 19, which is why I know this time that it isn't right.

[ransom_nite]

Cheating is a low act, no matter what your excuse is, and I don't feel that it should be classified as a human 'act'. You should beat yourself up over it, because you're hurting these people, don't be a puss and tie up the loose ends before you start getting with others.

[Bumble_bee]

Regarding the two years thing, it was with my first ever boyfriend when I was about 19, which is why I know this time that it isn't right.

that excuse doesn't cut it Nat, you have to take responsibilty for your actions, or your lack of....your dealing with other peoples feelings, and so burying your head in the sand and coming up with lame excuses just makes you appear that maybe you are not mature enough to be in a serious relationship, hence your tenadancy to act before you think of the others involved, how much respect and a clean break do you think you are going to get when the bf finds out you have already crossed a line with the other guy?

..I broke up with my first love at 19, and I still loved him.....I broke up with him, because I knew it wasn't going to work because we wanted different things in life, and I just didn't want anything holding me back. I took responsibilty for how I was feeling, and laid it out there.....

I hope you do not feel that I am being condescending, but if your going to run around using those kind of excuses at your age than I don't think your ever going to be be real with yourself long enough to figure things out properly.

best wishes.

[NatReturns]

that excuse doesn't cut it Nat, you have to take responsibilty for your actions, or your lack of....your dealing with other peoples feelings, and so burying your head in the sand and coming up with lame excuses just makes you appear that maybe you are not mature enough to be in a serious relationship, hence your tenadancy to act before you think of the others involved, how much respect and a clean break do you think you are going to get when the bf finds out you have already crossed a line with the other guy?

..I broke up with my first love at 19, and I still loved him.....I broke up with him, because I knew it wasn't going to work because we wanted different things in life, and I just didn't want anything holding me back. I took responsibilty for how I was feeling, and laid it out there.....

I hope you do not feel that I am being condescending, but if your going to run around using those kind of excuses at your age than I don't think your ever going to be be real with yourself long enough to figure things out properly.

best wishes.

I think that is a bit harsh to be fair. You don't know my situation at that time and I wasn't trying to make an excuse but simply explain that I was 19, didn't really know what love was, and so thought we were just having a rough patch and I stuck with it to try and work it out. Whether you choose to accept that is up to you, but I was very inexperienced and, yes, at 19 was probably lacking life experience and maturity.

I can see now it was the wrong move, but back then I thought I was doing the right thing.

I'm not trying to make excuses for now either, I am disappointed in myself and know I have let him down as well. There is no excuse.
I am more than aware of the fact that I have a serious issue about ending relationships, which I am even atteding couselling to address as I don't know what to do about it.

I feel foolish, very alone, and unhappy yet I will stay in something that makes me feel like this and I can't explain why.