Just broke up. Need some advice please...

[amazed]

My girlfriend finished with me yesterday. She sent me a message on facebook saying "we need to talk" and then when she came round said she wanted to be friends.

I told her no. She started crying and asked if I never wanted to see her again. I do... but as more than friends.

She had seemed very distant lately. We had went on holiday for a week and had no sex. In fact we hadnt had any for months. I think this put a strain on the relationship.

A random guy kept texting her and this had really annoyed me for some time. Also led to a couple of arguments, she said hes just a friend but we'll see in time i guess.

Right now...

I miss her more than anything. I went out last night with friends and when I woke up this morning she was trying to talk to me on facebook. Asking how I was etc. I made sure the conversation was short and logged off. Is she just trying to be friends and is worried? or is she begining to regret her decision?

I know that I'm a good looking guy and could get another girlfriend. But my issue in the first place was that I can be very picky.

Am I doing the right thing by trying not to contact her and giving us both space? Im just trying to sort myself out. But in the back of my mind all I want is for us to get back together. I can't stop thinking about her.

I think im going to not contact her for a few weeks, see how I feel and then ask if she wants to go out and do something. Like go for a walk. Is this a good idea?

[Gigabitch]

You're doing everything right, so far. making it clear that you're not willing to downgrade to some bogus friendship was good and the no contact idea is good too.

What would the point be of going for a walk in a few weeks, though? Isn't that just deciding to take her up on her offer of being just friends after all?

[amazed]

I guess im still hoping that our relationship isnt completely dead. I really did adore this girl and that was probably my biggest weakness.

Im not looking to be friends - as soon as i saw her with another guy it would hurt a lot. It wouldnt be fair on either of us.

I thought a walk would be a good idea because its how we first started going out. We went to the cinema, then went for a walk along a harbour. I guess I just want to go back to the start and see if there is any spark left. If not ill let it go and stop thinking about her, since theres no use in flogging a dead horse.

I guess I want to date her again, im not sure if that sounds weird? If we got back together I wouldnt want it to be like the past few months and I wouldnt want to rush into anything. I know it took a lot for her to come round yesterday and tell me that she didnt feel the same way about me.

But when she was out on the Thursday night she phoned me at 4am just to tell me that she loved me. If she didnt, why bother? It makes me think there must still be something.

I have the constant urge to contact her but I know its a bad idea and I dont want to get sucked into that friend zone. For her it's all or nothing.

I want to see if shes interested in giving us another shot. But really dont know how to go about it. Any ideas?

All I know is I want to wait a few weeks until we've both had a bit of space and time to think.

[TheTooya]

I would say... go no contact, for longer. If you are going through a break up, you need to straighten yourself out. No contact, no emails, nothing... and work on build YOU. Get to the point where you don't need her, when you can actually go on dates with other people without feeling constrained about feelings with your ex.

Then, maybe, just maybe, things may work out between you two.

Giving yourself space is 100% the right thing, its pretty much the ONLY way to deal and copy.

[cmacattack1]

Three weeks isn't really that long of a time period man. I know you are afraid to lose things completely with her, and you rather have her as a friend then nothing at all. The thing about being friends is that you can strike it up anytime YOU want to. Relationships, not so much. And if you want more than friends, don't settle for anything less. Because she WILL have another guy, and then all the sudden you will be hurt, pissed off, and not want to be friends because it hurts so much. And you will have nobody to blame but yourself because you put yourself in that situation.

So she wanted to break up. She did this for a reason, she wasn't happy, and this is what she wanted. The kind of behavior she is exhibiting is actually in her own self interest. Isn't it sneaky when they disguise it as "how are you doing?" and all that? In a way, I'm sure they care about you and how you are doing, but they ultimately are making sure that you are still around for them. That you still care about them, that if they wanted to, they could just come back to you and you would be there for their everything. That you can't live without them and NEED them in your life. It's to feed their ego, which is always in tatters after a serious relationship. So if you want to give yourself a little satisfaction, don't feed their ego.

This is ultimately about you and what is in your best interest. Until they come to you and say, "I want you in my life", assume they don't. And if they don't want you in their life, what does it matter how much you want them to be? You need two to tango man. The best thing for you would be to be on your own without any of their interference until you are okay and do not feel the need for her to be in your life. Because once that happens, you will be ready for somebody that does want you in their life for the right reasons and able to give you their 110 percent, which your ex cannot. You shouldn't need them in your life, you should want them to be. Big difference. When you think that maybe you could work things out, you have to remind yourself that it logically can't work. You guys are who you are now, and you broke up. Have you both really changed much since you broke up, and will in a couple weeks? No. And you both would need to change to be different people in order to have a chance of it working out.

Bottom line is to focus more so on yourself and having fun, living life without her. Not on when to talk to her and when to try to get her back. If she is trying to talk to her, just remind her that this is what she wanted and you aren't ready to be friends. You can do it nicely and politely. Trust me, it's in y our best interest to do so. It takes some time, so don't count the weeks. You will never make it and cave on her.

[amazed]

i guess im just hoping that she regrets things.

she just sort of jumped into it, we'd never spoken about what was bothering us.

i know that your right, its just really difficult not thinking about her.

[g1s0x0r0]

I agree with everything that cmacattack1 has posted. But your last post saying, "she just sort of jumped into it, we'd never spoken about what was bothering us," sheds a new light on your situation. You two haven't discussed why this happened, what went wrong, etc. Point is that you don't have any closure to your relationship. Sometimes two people don't work out as partners, but can become great friends instead. It seems like an oxymoron but you need to talk things out with her before you can stop talking to her. Otherwise you'll just make yourself sick wondering what went wrong.

Best thing to do is arrange to meet her somewhere neutral, not her place or yours, not a mutual friend's place, not anywhere that you guys visit often. It needs to be somewhere that you're not going to get interrupted by friends, relatives, etc. Just so you can talk. You can't start to fix something if you don't know what went wrong.

Also, you didn't mention how long you've been together, this greatly affects the severity of the conversation. Regardless, she owes you an explanation. If she refuses to talk about it, well then she isn't worth it anyway.

One last piece of advice, be prepared for whatever she has to say. Don't let it turn into an argument, but use it as something to learn from. Being able to better ourselves is something every human should always be working on.

Good luck

[Linus]

Yeah man, get some closure. Then initiate no contact. I've seen my ex once a week since our breakup almost 2 months ago and it reopens the wound every time. Now she's seeing another guy. You definitely don't want to know about it or be around when that happens.

[cmacattack1]

I have to disagree and I think trying to pursue closure right now is a bad idea. If somebody dumps you, the first thing they want to do is be away from you. So chasing them down and demanding answers is going to just piss them off more. You may think you NEED closure, but you don't. I think you have enough answers if you look back at your relationship and if you need some insight into some of her actions and decisions she made before, we can be more than happy to help you figure things out. The point is she isn't going to be honest unless she wants to be, and she could very well say anything to get you off her back. You are bringing back hurt and emotions she is trying to bury right now, even if she was a horrible girlfriend and all this still hurts her a bit. So just let it be, and the best thing you can do is not NEED anything from her. Trust me on this one.

We are all hurt and confused after a relationship ends and we will sit there and have our mind analyze it over and over again. Answers aren't going to be enough to take away the pain, and even after you have a discussion with her, you are still going to go through ups and downs and you will still have more questions to answer. Make the transition from thinking about what life will be like without her and start living life without her. Get yourself refocused on school or your job, finding ways to improve that. Find ways to improve yourself, be it physically through the gym or team sports. Try new things and different things, maybe pick up a hobby you haven't done in a while and so on. Basically take from this the motivation to be a better person and make yourself somebody to be proud of.

[IncognitoSir]

I'm sorry if I tend to look at the smaller things............a lot, but am I the only one who noticed he mentioned she was distant, didnt have sex with you for months, and was texting some GUY A LOT, enough for you to notice and bring it up in arguments and then ALL OF A SUDDEN outta the clear blue sky, she just wants to be friends? Come on, really. People dont end relationships for no apparent reason like this. There is always a reason. If she cheated on you, or broke up with you to possibly pursue someone else would you still want her in your life so much. Looks like that's a very REAL possibility here.

[VincenzoG91]

Incognito is right, you might not have seen this coming, but there were signs. She may have regrets and doubts, but it looks likely that she cheated on you before she dumped you. Don't settle for friendship right now, because it will hurt you and give her the backup plan that she doesn't deserve. Maintain No Contact for the same reason. It's possible that things may someday work out for you two, but only if and when she goes through some real changes and finally decides that she wants you back. And even then, you might want to just move on, because you may never be able to trust her again, and a relationship without trust isn't a relationship worth having. Good luck.

[pringlej]

U hadn't had sex for months? And then you didnt even have holiday sex?!

That would have been an issue already. Now she's broken up with you. If I were you, I would give myself and her space until she's decided what to do, and maybe in a few weeks, you would have decided that its better without her anyway.

No matter how picky you are, there's always someone better out there for you.

I'm sure you've heard this a lot. But she doesn't deserve you. And if she has cheated? She doesnt even deserve your time.

Some ppl might see this as being quite shallow, but a relationship without sex is pretty rubbish. So find someone else that WANTS you.