Does the 'No Contact' thing actually work??

[Gavin]

Apparently... 'No Contact' is the best way to get someone back... they miss you more the less they hear from you so if it was a real love relationship they eventually get back in touch or come back.

Old Case - (First Love)

I remember my first love and I split some 10 years ago now... after a relationship that lasted a few years, we drifted and then she ended things... needing to experience life (we were too young) and I ended up sobbing on her doorstep and was incredibally needy at the time... in the end I had to pull away.. it was an embarassing show by me but this was the first time I had ever tasted rejection. She then started dating someone new... we even walked past each other at a shopping centre although my mates had to point out I had missed her as she passed.... apparently she looked embarassed.

Then some new friends came into my life and my social life became the busiest it had ever been, I never even thought about my ex at all and I had completely moved on. Then she made a call which my Dad (was living at home) picked up and forgot to tell me about until much much later. Then a month or so later I went through my daily post and discovered a love letter from her.... I was 100% over her by then and just didn't care anymore - I had completely moved on and the words meant nothing, I didn't even keep the note.

Answer = No Contact in this situation worked... I could have had her back and all these years later we have never seen each other and have never talked although I hear to this day that she still asks about me when speaking with old and previously mutual school friends.

Current Case - (Long Distance Love)

Now... my latest relationship failed mainly because it was long distance but the love we had was a true one too, the relationship didn't last as long as the above case and this is therefore a concern for me... we hit a bad patch and after a week or so she rebounded into the arms of a guy that she had originally turned down in favour of me when we first met. I remember her and me talking.. tearfully on the phone just before things happened between them... he was also needy as he had just come out of a long relationship he had then tried to salvage when rejected by my ex when choosing me.

So for the first few weeks - they were each others shoulders to cry on... nothing happended and me and my ex started speaking again and we were going to meet. Then... something happened between them and we didn't speak for a few weeks although I tried to be a gentlemen about the situation. It is a 100% double rebound but it has developed into more and I know they like each other a lot... I'm not sure you can still class it as a rebound anymore and they have been together for say 7 weeks now and he even stays over and therefore it's serious between them, although she has certainly rushed things...

I treated my ex so well, we had little arguments as all couples do but I looked after her and supported her financially and took her out for meals, shopping, opera, theme parks - we did a lot with the time we had together. I know she considers me to be a lovely bloke and holds me in high regard as her best ex boyfriend if you like. We had arranged to meet and we had talked about getting back together before things happened with the rebound guy. I know 100% that she doesn't want to lose me from her life... we both agreed on the phone the last time we spoke that we have a special connection with each other - we actualy first said this on the second day we met... it is so sad that this has worked out this way.

The problem is we agreed to be friends the last time we spoke but in the same conversation she was trying to make me jealous... she was a little spiteful - bringing his name up etc...there was certainly no consideration for my feelings and it hurt and I don't know how she can be like that to me given she was the one who ended it after a little bad patch - why hurt me more?

We still connected 100% and laughed and joked and you could feel the feelings were still there between us both. However, I didn't time it the best... her new bloke was there and had tried to grab the phone from her hand, she then called me back when he was gone and explained... apparently he was insecure about me and accused her of wanting to go back to me which of course she denied. I haven't heard from her since which means the friends thing that she seemed so eager to accept on the phone was either BS to just keep me where she wants me as some future backup or he has forced her to go back on what she said to me.... I just don't know. I was a tiny bit needy at the start... a little on the phone too last time we spoke but I have been maybe too nice? A gentleman in matters... but maybe too nice?

Answer = to be discovered... :-(

These internet guides... state that 'no contact' is my best chance of getting her back. Apparently she will miss me more and think about me more the longer she does not hear from me.... my ex and me were having what is known as 'Limited Contact' which doesn't work in our situation... these guides also try to fill you with confidence that she will call and that you have to be ready when she does and act cool... apparently it forces her to realise your value and what she lost and threw away.

I just don't know... I know how to fix the long distance problem and I am prepared to move near and change jobs in the process, we are sooo well matched on everything but distance - we have always said this from the start and it's such a shame but I cannot tell her I have made enquires about moving etc - I just did this on the off chance something changes, I want to be prepared if we can start again.

So given all the above... do you think these guides give good advice and do you believe that the 'No Contact' approach really does work? I don't think I have been tough enough with her.... I have never said it is me or him at any point and I feel if I had in the early days then things would now be different...

I don't want to give up just yet on her.... I know I might have to move on soon but I did before and she (first love) then came back when all my feelings (well most of) were gone. So will it be the same again and the chance is gone for the future or do I keep holding out..

[kitkitkitty]

i don't think the NC rule should be the focus of all of this, it should be the distance. however much you care about her/ each other the one thing that's wrong is the thing that will probably break it permanently. when people get back together the problems can often still be there and you end up back at the start. i fear that this will be the case for you and that the underlying difficulties won't leave.

[Raven_Skye]

I don't think the no contact thing works. For some, it might. For some, out of mind is out of heart. How do you say it. If she doesn't hear from you at all, it might make it easier for her to forget about you, to get on with her new life. However, forcing her to think of you, is not good either. What I would say is.. what would work for me? Come clean about everything. The way you feel, what you're prepared to do to be with her, tell her exactly what you feel. And then add that it is her decision, her choice. Don't be too strict about it, she might be conflicted too, it's not an easy thing you know deciding some things. But tell her how you feel, make it clear you won't wait forever, then.. do cut contact. Not so much that it's impossible for her to reach you, but let her have time to make up her mind. Maybe she's not happy where she is now, but the heart and mind are complicated things, and from what I read, she's not a bad person. Good luck.

[Gavin]

i don't think the NC rule should be the focus of all of this, it should be the distance. however much you care about her/ each other the one thing that's wrong is the thing that will probably break it permanently. when people get back together the problems can often still be there and you end up back at the start. i fear that this will be the case for you and that the underlying difficulties won't leave.

I have identified that.... I will move so that it is no longer a problem if we did start again.

[Gavin]

I don't think the no contact thing works. For some, it might. For some, out of mind is out of heart. How do you say it. If she doesn't hear from you at all, it might make it easier for her to forget about you, to get on with her new life..

Well.... I really am not sure now after hearing that. I mean I know she really likes the new guy so it would probably be a waste of time... atm as it is the honeymoon stage of her rebound.
However, i also know she fears losing me forever... and absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say and they also say that you don't know what you have until it's gone.

Judgement call would be... based on previous experience (First Love) and knowing my ex and how she works inside plus a ton of internet site advice = NC.

It is interesting to hear other people's views on this.

[kitkitkitty]

do you have a steady job and income? do you live in your own flat/ house?

[xxazurexx]

No contact usually only works and if their heart is still in it.

If it is not, then you can wave bye bye.

[Noelleamour]

The way I respond to no contact ..is I will think about him for a while and wheels constantly turning wondering about him.After a while out of sight out of mind. That really tells me how "in love" or infactuated I was with the guy. Infactuation wears of quick, love lingers forever.

[Gavin]

do you have a steady job and income? do you live in your own flat/ house?

Yes, and I can move... I have a well paid job etc + good prospects.

Security is something she seeks in a partner more so than others, both me and her new partner have it.

[kitkitkitty]

i'm just worried that you're gona get there and realise that she's not been straight with you and moved on completely. the OP confused me a bit but probably cos you are too. i don't know if it's worth going to her if everything could go horribly wrong.

[Gavin]

The way I respond to no contact ..is I will think about him for a while and wheels constantly turning wondering about him.After a while out of sight out of mind. That really tells me how "in love" or infactuated I was with the guy. Infactuation wears of quick, love lingers forever.

There is one thing I know about my ex.... she hated the thought of losing me from her life forever- one week before we split she said she would never want to lose me.

I played it all wrong when the chance to reconcile was their.. probably lost now forever.

Anyway, it was a real love relationship with a real connection and not an infactuation on either side, therefore she won't forget me completely.

I have decided that although it is a 100% rebound relationship on both sides, and statistically likely to fail they like each other enough and have enough in common etc to make it work... probably be rocky in the future but it's the type of rebound where they use each other to get over their hurt and then continue... might last a year??

Therefore I have decided to bail out 100% and move on and not wait around in hope, the 'no contact' will be in operation but only for me to move on.

I have deleted/blocked the IM account so she can't contact me other than email, text and phone and I don't think she will - think she is respecting her new relationship now.

I will eventually hear from her of that I have no doubt but when I do... I will ignore the text or email... if its a call I might answer.

So moving on... thanks for all your opinions.

[xxazurexx]

How do you know for sure this is a rebound?

She has known him for a while, since she first got with you in fact. She chose you...but don't you think it's a bit odd she ended up with him? Maybe she really liked him all along...but the time was just wrong for them.

It reminds somewhat of my situation. I and my ex split, then along comes another guy during the split and I'd really liked him. Anyways, I ended up going back to the ex and we split again months later. The other guy re enters the picture and Im now with him....but no way is he a rebound. I like him and a lot. I'm more attracted to this guy than I ever was to the ex....
So what I'm saying is, is that sometimes we can be attracted to people, but for whatever reason the timing can be all wrong. But if there is a strong liking...I dunno, maybe people find their way back to each other, when the time is right.

Also....it sounds like she ended the communication - she's gone 'no contact' on you. So you really have no alternative, other than to move on.

But anyway, good luck with moving on. I guess only time will tell where her heart truly lays.

[vashti]

"No contact" isn't a system to get someone back. It's the way you help yourself to heal after a break up.

PS - I didn't read your post. It's too long, and I am lazy.