Can he love me and not be commited?

[cheybee1]

Hello. I am new to this, but in desperate need of a third party opinion. Been with my bf for about a year, lately its been off and on because I can't decide what is the best choice.

Let me start by saying that him and I have a 9 year old together, however he just met her and came back into my life a year ago. That being said, we have a lot of history and hurt between us already.

I made it clear to him in the beginning that I wanted a serious relationship with commitment and asked him what he though of the situation when we started "hanging out" again. So it was never unclear. But from day one he has been going out w/friends, harldy ever invites me, maybe 5 times this whole year. Says he's busy all the time. He does work a lot but my problem is that he finds time to check out new sportsbars with friends, but we only see each other about once maybe twice a week. He NEVER answers the phone when I call and takes forever to respond to my texts. He says its cause he's at work and busy, but he goes in around 7 AM and this is at around 8 or 9PM. What a dedicated man?! So then when we are talking sometimes he will tell about new bars he went to and just making conversation, but I can't help but wonder why there is time for that but not me. Besides my problems, he is spending just as little time with my daughter.

Here's my delima: I have broken up with him, he doesn't take it seriously and why should he I always come back. But I told him that I was seious, done, do not even care to try anymore. Now he says he's in therapy to work on the problems that are left over from his last relationship which ended 2 years ago and they were together about 3. He says did love me and still does, he knows he can treat me right someday when he is "well" and was getting upset with me when I said I can't wait around anymore for him to get over his ex. What should I do? Stay or go?

[misombra]

run. run away. fast.

[Gribble]

The fact that he met his 9 year old daughter a year ago speaks wonders of his character.

Keep him out of your life and especially out of your daughter's. She's better off without a father.

I hope you're milking him for all the child support you can get.

[cheybee1]

You are very right about him only meeting her a year ago. He knew about her from the day I found out I was pregnant. I was hoping that he had time to grow up since then because we were only 19 at the time. Maybe not. I know how much it means to my daughter to know him and I do encourage them to talk on the phone and see each other sometimes, I don't expect much more, I do the hard part. As for child support, well he pays for daycare and things like that sometimes. I won't go there. Thanks for the reply.

[BlueRaven]

She's better off without a father.

Sorry, but that's just wrong. No child, girl or boy, is better off without a father. Sure, this particular father happens to have some issues with commitment and responsibility, but as long as he isn't harming her in any way then there's no reason he should be out of her life altogether.

I say get him out of your life, but do your best to make sure your daughter still has contact with him and gets to spend at least a small amount of time with him when possible.

[cheybee1]

Thanks blueraven. I do agree that she needs him in her life.

[IndiReloaded]

He's an asshole, sorry.

And no, its not always better for the guy to be involved in his kids life if he's going to be an asshole to them too. Facilitate his relationship with her, but don't force it.

You're better off spending your energy focussing on your daughter and maybe, if the right person happens along, a new relationship. With a stable, mature man who understands the meaning of responsible.

His work hours are obscene, BTW. Noone, unless they are totally messed up and incredibly inefficient, needs to spend that amount of hours on work. I know doctors, accountants, CEOs of companies that don't work mental hours like that.

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry, but that's just wrong. No child, girl or boy, is better off without a father.

Are you a parent, BR? I'm guessing not. I know several single parents whose children are way better w/o their insane, useless, absent parent. Instability is like a disease that quickly spreads to little children who have no emotional defense against parents who dash their hopes without a care for what they are doing.

[cheybee1]

Thanks for the advice. I agree about the amount of hours he works. He is a manager, but still this is an everyday thing.

[BlueRaven]

Are you a parent, BR? I'm guessing not. I know several single parents whose children are way better w/o their insane, useless, absent parent. Instability is like a disease that quickly spreads to little children who have no emotional defense against parents who dash their hopes without a care for what they are doing.

No, I'm not. I guess what I said may have been taken a bit out of context. I was mainly saying that it's ideal, and very important, for a child to have a relationship with both their mother and their father. Now, of course their's going to be exceptions, but I just don't think this situation warrants the girl breaking off all contact with her father.

[IndiReloaded]

No, I'm not. I guess what I said may have been taken a bit out of context. I was mainly saying that it's ideal, and very important, for a child to have a relationship with both their mother and their father. Now, of course their's going to be exceptions, but I just don't think this situation warrants the girl breaking off all contact with her father.

Maybe you missed the part where she said he has known about his daughter for 9 years but hasn't had a previous relationship w/her.

That's not 'breaking off' anything. This is a decision about whether to BEGIN a relationship with her. Not much different, in fact, than when a single mom is getting serious about someone & she needs to decide how attached she's going to let her kids get to him.

Tread very, very carefully. Even one screw up by this guy w/her can cause a huge amount of emotional damage, esp in these preteen years where she's making decisions about who she is, her lovability, self-esteem, etc.

If this happened to me, I'd be attending a few sessions of family counselling with this guy, without your daughter, to make sure he understands the issues involved. Then, and only if I was satisfied that he is mature & responsible enough to not damage her, would I let him see her. Remember, she hasn't NEEDED him for 9 years up until now.

If he can't be bothered to make the time to do this for such an important issue (what's more important than your kids?), I'd run as fast as I can. Good luck.

[Gigabitch]

I have a 9-year-old too. While I think it's good that she knows what her father is like, I think it's important that you show your daughter what a good relationship is. She's learning how to be a woman from you. Don't let her see you letting yourself be disrespected.

Cut that chode off and start dating someone else. You don't need for him to take you seriously. His opinion is worth about as much as dogshit.