Ni i love you after 10 months - what to do?!

[greenyzoz]

Hello everyone so I am in a bit of a dilemma. I have been dating someone for nearly 10 months now, we have known each other for years and everything is going great apart from one thing. He hasn't said those words yet.

I have googled this many of times but haven't seen a similar situation to mine so im a little stuck as to what to do. My guy got married quite young to someone he thought was the one and she cheated on him repeatedly and basically broke his heart. She has now moved in onto another relationship and has married again. He is the most genuine, lovely guy and has told me many of times that he feels things are progressing but isn't ready to say the words yet. He said it will take him time and he wants to be 100% - thing is that was 5 months ago and still nothing has progressed. I don't want to push him on it but i'm worried i'm wasting my time and nothing will happen here. I myself was in a 4 year relationship previously which was stuck in a rut and I don't want that to happen again.

Any advice on what I can do? Some people say walk and others say stay and to try and live every day as it comes but its becoming a worry as I would like to settle down and have kids etc.

[searock]

Does he say "I love you" in other ways (without words)? For example, does he surprise you with little heartfelt gifts? Does he randomly cuddle you, even in public? Does he whisper sweet nothings in your ear just to make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Every one of us has a different way to express our love. I think he doesn't want to say the words because he used to say them to his ex, and it ended in horrible heartbreak for him, so he doesn't want to make the same mistake. It's possible he doesn't even believe in "True Love" anymore. Would you be ok with that?

[greenyzoz]

Does he say "I love you" in other ways (without words)? For example, does he surprise you with little heartfelt gifts? Does he randomly cuddle you, even in public? Does he whisper sweet nothings in your ear just to make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Every one of us has a different way to express our love. I think he doesn't want to say the words because he used to say them to his ex, and it ended in horrible heartbreak for him, so he doesn't want to make the same mistake. It's possible he doesn't even believe in "True Love" anymore. Would you be ok with that?

He doesn't really surprise me with any gifts but he can be very affectionate. I think you may be right in saying that he doesn't believe in it anymore and i'm not sure I am ok with that. He just keeps saying it takes a lot of time to fall in love with someone but I kind of think you would know by now wouldn't you?

[searock]

It's possible that he feels in love, but he isn't mentally acknowledging as such, because of his past. He doesn't let himself think of it as "True Love" because he associates that concept with extreme pain and failure.

I think you should make up your own mind whether you would be OK with having a relationship with a guy that proclaims to not believe in love anymore, nor that he will ever feel as "in love" as he felt when he was younger. Assuming the relationship was "perfect" under every other aspect.

If you would be ok with it, then don't bring up the subject anymore. Tell him "I love you" whenever you feel like it and don't pressure him to do the same - let him know that it's not a problem for you. Maybe someday he will reciprocate.

If you would not be ok with it (which I think is the case or you wouldn't have opened this thread), I think you should talk with him about it. Let him know that you feel unloved and "unchosen" in a way, that you feel like what he feels for you is "second best" to what he used to feel for his ex, and that you don't want to be anybody's second choice.

[greenyzoz]

That's the thing, I knew him when he was in that relationship and it was in no way perfect - He was treated really badly. I think this is going to be a difficult one to call as I really do not like the thought of walking away.

[pcmaster]

Why girls always expect us to say I love You first? Where is problem for you to say it first?

[searock]

That's the thing, I knew him when he was in that relationship and it was in no way perfect

I meant the relationship with you - assuming it was perfect but for the fact that he doesn't believe in love anymore, would you be ok with it?

[greenyzoz]

as far as i'm aware it is perfect, we get on really well and have a really good laugh together. Im just worried that he stays with me because he doesn't want to be on his own.

Pcmaster - I have said it first, he just doesn't say it back!

[searock]

Im just worried that he stays with me because he doesn't want to be on his own.

Would you be ok with that?

If you knew for a fact that he will never tell you "I love you", and that he doesn't believe in "true love" anymore, would you stay with him?

If not, I think you should let him know.

[michelle23]

How long ago did his marriage end? Did he get with you quickly after? If yes, you may just be a rebound. If he is emotionally unavailable then this is going nowhere. I would walk away tbh. I would have walked away 5 months ago. You know he has a fear of commitment because of the past and that is something he needs to deal with on his own. You cant "fix" him so its really unproductive to try and you will just get hurt.

He needs to get over the past and be more positive when it comes to love in order to have a healthy successful relationship. It has been ten months and that still has not happened. How much more time are you going to waste?

He is right that it takes a long time to truly fall in love. In the first 6-12 months, you are infatuated by each other with all those crazy feelings and butterflies and lust. Love comes after that period when you really get to know the real person and take off your rose tinted glasses. When you know what all his strengths and weaknesses are and all his annoying habits but you love him anyway. But most people do say I love you during the infatuation stage and there is nothing wrong with that.

You need to talk to him. Ask him what is going on his head about the past, present and future. Ask him to be honest and don't get mad and upset if he doesn't tell you what you want to hear. If you dont get the answers you are hoping for then it is time to walk away. And you do need to ask him if he believes in love or not and if he will ever truly love

[greenyzoz]

How long ago did his marriage end? Did he get with you quickly after? If yes, you may just be a rebound. If he is emotionally unavailable then this is going nowhere. I would walk away tbh. I would have walked away 5 months ago. You know he has a fear of commitment because of the past and that is something he needs to deal with on his own. You cant "fix" him so its really unproductive to try and you will just get hurt.

He needs to get over the past and be more positive when it comes to love in order to have a healthy successful relationship. It has been ten months and that still has not happened. How much more time are you going to waste?

He is right that it takes a long time to truly fall in love. In the first 6-12 months, you are infatuated by each other with all those crazy feelings and butterflies and lust. Love comes after that period when you really get to know the real person and take off your rose tinted glasses. When you know what all his strengths and weaknesses are and all his annoying habits but you love him anyway. But most people do say I love you during the infatuation stage and there is nothing wrong with that.

You need to talk to him. Ask him what is going on his head about the past, present and future. Ask him to be honest and don't get mad and upset if he doesn't tell you what you want to hear. If you dont get the answers you are hoping for then it is time to walk away. And you do need to ask him if he believes in love or not and if he will ever truly love

His marriage ended about 4 years ago. He has had other relationships since and has said none of them felt right but he feels sure about a future with me. This is why I haven't walked away. Everything you say is true and maybe I should walk away, this is what I am trying to figure out right now. he has talked of having kids etc and a future with me and I kind of think he must feel something if he thinks that or maybe I am deluding myself. Its easier said than done to walk away as im really happy with him, its just that one little thing.

[michelle23]

Does he treat you really well? Do you trust him? Is he affectionate and loving? Do you spend a lot of time together? Does he do nice little things for you such as helping you clean or cook dinner? Does he take you out every now and again? Have you met his family and friends? Do they like you? Is he supportive of you? Can you talk to him about anything? Does he make you feel safe?

If yes to all the above then perhaps you should stick it out. When he finally says it it will be really special and you will know for sure he really MEANS it. Maybe give it another 6 months and see how things are then. Some people just find it very hard to say those words. My dad never says it to me or my sister. Maybe a handful of times in our lives but we know he loves us.

If all his actions show he really cares than for now that should be enough. Give him a little more time. Words are cheap. Would you rather a guy tell you he loves you every day but treats you like crap or a guy who treats you really good who rarely says it? Actions speak far louder than words.

[greenyzoz]

Yes to all of the above, hence why I have been sticking it out. I don't want to give the wrong impression - if he treated me badly I wouldn't stick around as I have been in bad relationships before. Its so confusing for me as he sometimes sits and looks at me like he wants to say something but then he doesn't which is quite frustrating!

[pcmaster]

Have you asked if he loves you? Do you said that you need to hear these words? Next time you are having sex tell him to say these words before you finish.

[michelle23]

Yes to all of the above, hence why I have been sticking it out. I don't want to give the wrong impression - if he treated me badly I wouldn't stick around as I have been in bad relationships before. Its so confusing for me as he sometimes sits and looks at me like he wants to say something but then he doesn't which is quite frustrating!

He wants to say it but he is afraid. Afraid of failure, disappointment, getting hurt etc Perhaps your the best thing to come into his life for a LONG time and he is terrified of saying those words and then you disappear. Have you said it to him? Maybe even just say "I am crazy about you" and he may feel safe enough to say that. Baby steps