im not a great person, im not unique, theres nothing amazing about me. im not slim or beautiful. average round girl.
im 22, soon to be 23.
iv had 2 amazing times in my life.
1-when i did animal care in college
2- my year with gray.
this is probably going to be a long read. and im not out for support or criticism. i feel if i write maybe there are people who will relate to me who can give me advice, but really i write for myself. i could write on word or write a private diary. but i think its better to write here.
ive just lost my boyfriend. i say lost i was dumped. hes been my best friend for a year and still is, but he didnt feel a spark with me so for me i feel like iv lost him.
my lifes been pretty dull. iv never been super happy except for the 2 times mentioned above.
food has always been what i turned too when i was down. i never felt like i had the support of my family or my friends.
gray tells me all the time i need to do things for myself. its like no one believes i try to help myself. alot of the time i want to complain, after years of bottling my feelings and not trusting anyone sometimes i just want to be allowed to vent for however long i need to.
i should probably do the counselling the doctor gave me the number for but i could never build the courage to ring the number.
grays the most amazing person. my first love.my first real relationship. being dumped so out of the blue i dont know how to handle not being with him...we were together for just over a year. i was with him practicly everyday. hes caused me a lot of heartache.
to the point now where i barely eat. iv demonised everything. i dont talk to my mum. i dont expect things from anyone anymore.
my dads meant to come see me today but he hasnt showed up, im not really surprised.
probably why gray is so important to me. i wish he understood how important, hes been my rock and spurred me on when iv felt useless.
i feel that i finally let someone close only for that to backfire and hurt me. i lost my appetite, i limit myself to one small meal a day. iv started living on cans of monster and caffeine pills. anything thatl give me energy so i dont have to eat.
and i know how stupid it is but now that thats what my heads settled on i struggle to change it because this is how im coping.
gray worries about me. but even that doesnt put me back on track.
i dont like myself anymore. i hate my body. i feel that how i look and who i am is to blame for him not loving me.
i take alot of anger out on him and as he put it he wont feed the fire but he accepts it. he hasnt pushed me away. i expect iv started pushing him away. but hes the only person i rely on. best friends is a girly term. but hes certainly the person i consider the closest to me. the first person where iv seen genuine concern for me cross his face.
my relationship with him was good. i had moments of insecurity because his personality is difficult. hes an indifferent person. when i felt like i needed attention he could just want to sleep.
he tried to love me but found he couldnt find the spark. so i do feel like iv been lead on for a year. and it feels worse because i lost my virginity to him. i dont regret it i love him very much, i spend most of time in my head worrying more about him then myself. but being dumped.....i dont know what to do with myself.
he says its just luck that you stay together with the first person you meet. i do want to stay with him. if i could id marry him.
for me i didnt think id have to sleep with more then one person. i know alot of women like the idea of being with different guys, playing the field. but that frightens me alot. i dont want someone who doesnt treat my body the way he did.
so in one way i can move on. outwardly i can feel fine.
but i dont feel like im needed, i dont feel loved or valued. i feel more like an accident. i still cry alot, when i think about not being with gray. which is alot.
i wish he would just come see me of his own free will instead of me having to ask him. hes one of those people that could go on for ages just working and doing his normal things without seeing people.
its probably abit weird that hes the cause of my pain but also the support of it.
im glad he lets me vent. im glad hes my support.
alot of people say go cold turkey.
i wouldnt be able to cope with that. i know myself well enough to know that if he was truly gone i wouldnt have anything to focus on.
he believes in me and thats important to me.
iv never been prepared to give myself to more then one person. i thought id get lucky like alot of my friends and be able to fall in love first time and be able to stay with that person.
everything i feel is a fear.
i dont have any confidence. but if gray believes im something then i know i have someone who cares.
alot of people say you need to do things for yourself and its true, but if your struggling on your own then you begin to lose motivation.
i dont want gray to hate me or be pressured by me, im sure if he was he would have told me off by now. but what he gives me is important. and i wish i felt it from other people around me.
so in one aspect i am ok.
but in another im not.
i dont know what im setting out to do by limiting my food intake. i dont know when il start eating properly again.
i feel its a form of punishment on myself. i dont believe im good enough.
im stuck in a rut thats hard to get out of.
stuck in a part time supermarket job,living with my mum unable to drive.
if i learnt to drive i wouldnt be able to afford to keep a car.
i cant get another job because i cant drive.
the small town i do live in doesnt have any jobs going. not unless i magicaly become qualified in engineering or whatever,
its a vicious circle. and i hate being thrown back into it by myself.
i dont know if i can accept someone else into my life who isnt gray. i dont know how to...like someone who isnt him. iv never been in love before gray, i didnt have many crushes either.
i feel i need to lose weight. after years of relying on food, not feeling like i had a support system and then dealing with POS i dont have the motivation for exercise.
i always think things will just work themselves out.
im not a strong person.
im just waiting for my next knight in shining armour to see if i really do have the ability to move on.
i wonder if theres anyone else whos been through similar things?
have you come out the other end the way youd hoped you would?