I'm new and completely demoralised right now, please help

[searching]

Hi everyone, thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

I am a mess right now. Once I've finished typing this I think I am going to take a knock out rock (headache from stress) and go to sleep.

The situation:

I have been in this relationship nearly 4 years, it's an odd relationship in that it's long distance and actually works due to mega effort and commitment on both our parts to it.
So today we had a phone call and I didn't feel very good during or after it. We both struggle at times with depression and feeling that our lives aren't going where we want them to be yet, we're a great team and work together, but sometimes it is just really hard. The conversation ended on the phone but we were both signed on to instant messaging. I continued where we left off. It turned out that he didn't expect or necessarily want it to continue, gave me short answers to things, I didn't get the hint and it ended up with very hurtful things said such as:

- that they didn't expect to have to keep communicating with me, that the conversation was over when we hung up
- they can't respect someone (me) who is so fond and fawning towards them
- that I am so available and that I submit myself to the relationship to the point that I'll stick around and can't leave the conversation even when insulted waiting for them to say something good or nice to alleviate the situation
- exclaiming that I need to have some pride

you get the idea. I feel a) completely humiliated that I was in the position of "unwanted nuisance" without realising and b) so disrespected and demoralised for not wanting to argue and wanting things to not feel any worse than they already did.

To be fair to them, that behaviour is something that I did have a problem with at the start of our relationship but has improved dramatically in the last 2 years and I don't feel it is a fair or just accusation of me anymore. I felt that our having a disagreement today was unfortunate and borne of a misunderstanding only, they have taken something that is very sensitive and painful to me and thrown it in my face - "I insult you and still you wait for me to make it better" really hurt me as that is precisely what I used to do in a previously abusive marriage, and I have come a long long long way since then.

I'm so hurt and demoralised. I feel like I don't want to ever want to approach them for anything again for fear of appearing needy, clingy, wanting to much and being told I am not respected. I have been very strong and independent for so long, I feel like they've called me someone I used to be but am no longer.

[SelflessnHumble]

The situation:

I have been in this relationship nearly 4 years, it's an odd relationship in that it's long distance and actually works due to mega effort and commitment on both our parts to it. We had a phone call and I didn't feel very good during or after it. We both struggle at times with depression and feeling that our lives aren't going where we want them to be yet, we're a great team and work together, but sometimes it is just really hard. The conversation ended on the phone but we were both signed on to instant messaging. I continued where we left off. It turned out that he didn't expect or necessarily want it to continue, gave me short answers to things, I didn't get the hint and it ended up with very hurtful things

I hate to say this...but the both of you aren't ready for a serious/committed relationship.
Your relationship is broken and only functions as the result of failures that are allowed to perpetuate indefinitely.
While relationships can be viewed as having its ups and its downs...you don't sound like a great team.
One depressed person in a relationship is bad enough but 2? -Both of you are enabling poison to one another.

- that they didn't expect to have to keep communicating with me, that the conversation was over when we hung up
- they can't respect someone (me) who is so fond and fawning towards them
- that I am so available and that I submit myself to the relationship to the point that I'll stick around and can't leave the conversation even when insulted waiting for them to say something good or nice to alleviate the situation
- exclaiming that I need to have some pride I feel a) completely humiliated that I was in the position of "unwanted nuisance" without realising and b) so disrespected and demoralised for not wanting to argue and wanting things to not feel any worse than they already did.

He does NOT respect you. Being with someone who doesn't respect you is disrespectful to yourself. You allow it.
You leave yourself vulnerable because you "feel" for him. He uses this as an excuse to demean you for it -not cool.
However given the fact you don't take social cues well just means you don't have the experience in knowing, nothing serious.

Pride is dangerous. Vanity, expectations are at the very heart of relationship problems and issues.
Just because you don't seem to respect yourself doesn't mean that you should surround yourself with people who don't respect you. -This is a no no.

To be fair to them, that behaviour is something that I did have a problem with at the start of our relationship but has improved dramatically in the last 2 years and I don't feel it is a fair or just accusation of me anymore. I felt that our having a disagreement today was unfortunate and borne of a misunderstanding only, they have taken something that is very sensitive and painful to me and thrown it in my face - "I insult you and still you wait for me to make it better" really hurt me as that is precisely what I used to do in a previously abusive marriage, and I have come a long long long way since then.

Ah, the beauty of a catch 22. See, you are with a depressed person.
How in the world do you expect to be propped up by a depressed and bitter little boy?
A depressed and bitter person who doesn't respect you will: bring you down to their level: misery.

See, you KNOW he is bad for you, yet you allow this to continue? -You are just as much to blame as he is.
It sucks to be hurt by someone you love and care about but the fact you realize the truth and that you've come
a long way tells me you aren't in the same ballpark as he is (in terms of depression.) You owe it to yourself to be surrounded by loving and supportive positivity, not this BS you allow yourself to deal with.

I'm so hurt and demoralised. I feel like I don't want to ever want to approach them for anything again for fear of appearing needy, clingy, wanting to much and being told I am not respected. I have been very strong and independent for so long, I feel like they've called me someone I used to be but am no longer.

This is really a simple solution and I hope you really read what I'm about to say:
You deserve to be loved, honored and treated with dignity + respect.
You deserve to be happy and to have someone in your life who props you up and who
via (patience and understanding) is by your side and listens with a compassionate ear, not this piece of shoe!

So, the choices become glaringly obvious:
Allow this emotional vampire to suck the sunshine out of your life OR?
Tell this long distance joker that you no longer wish to be victimized and that now that you realize
what you want: He doesn't fit the bill. Walk away, and don't look back.

When something is in the past: you're not supposed to pick it up again. It's done, and over with.
Only a little baby/cowardly punk intentionally hurts people that care and love them.
Stop being used and played and get out there and smile!
Use this horrendous experience as a stepping stool to get to the next level: a true/meaningful relationship.

[RockNRoll]

"I insult you and still you wait for me to make it better" really hurt me as that is precisely what I used to do in a previously abusive marriage, and I have come a long long long way since then.

I'm so hurt and demoralised. I feel like I don't want to ever want to approach them for anything again for fear of appearing needy, clingy, wanting to much and being told I am not respected. I have been very strong and independent for so long, I feel like they've called me someone I used to be but am no longer.

Maybe you done some improvements over time - well done, - but there might be something left to work on. It is painful for you, but you got a "feedback", so it is also a chance for you to work on yourself (because you need to be respected, independent and be treated in a good manner). Taking in account your previous marriage, it might take more time and work to gain more self respect. Think about the ways to work on it.

As for the relationship... you say that it's odd, long distant for nearly 4(!) years and take lots of efforts. You need to be sure that it's worth it to carry on something like that. I wouldn't be sure at all.

[searching]

Thank you SelflessnHumble and RockNRoll so much for taking the time to respond to me. I appreciate it.

SelflessnHumble you definitely gave me some things to think about. I have thought for a while now that the rare times I do want to lean on him (or be propped up) it often doesn't turn out well. I end up being told 'I have my own problems to deal with' and that I am seeking and wanting more than he can/wants to give. I know that to a point this is completely reasonable, no one should need to rely on someone else for their well being, but sometimes is ok right? as you said, patience and understanding can go a long way. You also have me thinking about self respect, that while I sat there and was insulted I wasn't respecting myself. Even he said so when he told me that I still remained even though he insulted me, waiting for him to come around and so we could end things well. I am not sure, though, that you can say with certainty whether we're a good team or not as I didn't give much background of all the good things we've achieved together, just the bad, so I am aware I might have biased you by just writing about the current bad situation. That said, I do have my doubts after yesterday and the words 'christ have some pride' are still ringing in my mind.

I've decided I don't want to talk to him today, or for a while.

RockNRoll, thanks, it's been a long and effortful exercise trying to get myself into a position where I am far more independent and emotionally okay than I was. It's been a daily effort that I have worked on for almost 4 years and I do feel much improved. That said, I did get feedback you are right, and perhaps I still do have aways to go. I never want to feel so demoralised again, I have had enough of it to last 3 lifetimes in my previous relationship (and an extent this one as I've played out the old patterns especially at the start of this relationship).

As for respect, I think he will say that he respects me but not that particular behaviour. Thing is, do I respect how he treats me at those rare times I am carrying out an old pattern? no.

[smackie9]

LDR's have a shelf life. If you don't have that next level (physical) reached in your relationship, layers and layers of insecurities start to build up. You both are starting to disconnect, annoyances come to the surface, arguments ensue and then resentment. You are at a crossroads. If you two can't live together then it's time to consider moving on to find a more realistic relationship. Internet chat and cyber sex is for kids. You both are adults.....it's time to make a move.