As most of you know now. I have met a wonderful guy, Josh. I guess this is where I just need to vent or something. Today I found myself missing the old times I had with Chris. I think I know why, though.
Chris was literally the only friend I had. I had come from a broken home, and when I moved in with my father to escape my mother thats when I met him. He was there for me when I needed someone. I will never forget that. It could be 3am, but if I needed him he was there. I miss the security I had with him.
Dont get me wrong, things werent always peachy...80% of the time we were disagreeing or arguing about something. He was a depressed person, and I tried to help him be happy, but I was pretty depressed myself. There wasnt enough energy for the both of us.
I realize now that he came into my life not as a boyfriend, but more of a friend. He made a great friend, but was too emotionally immature to be anything more.
Josh... where do I start here. We had an immediate attraction to each other when we first met. He treats me like a queen, and with utmost respect. He's kind, generous, intelligent, good looking, just a quality person I must say. I would love for him to be the next best thing. I see a ton of potential here that I never saw with anyone else. The distance thing, though, really gets to me. Hes an hour and 15 minutes away, which isnt terribly far I know, but far enough where we cant see each other every day...which is what I was used to with other boyfriends. I'm the type of person who loves to spend lots of time with the ones I love. Its just my personality. But we dont have a choice there.
A lot is going on right now in my life. I just found out my ex-abusive mother is dying of cancer, my fathers difibulator has gone off 3 times and his doctor told him to quit his job, and of course my grandmother is dying. Not only that, my car is about to bite the dust...within the next year I'll say.
I live in the boonies where there isnt a job over $5.50 an hour. There isnt a college within 35 minutes of here. I feel so stuck... so scared.
All that I listed above is partly why I feel so scared now that Chris is gone. I'm afriad of change I guess. I'm afraid that what if Josh isnt going to be here for me? What if what if what if...
Thanks for letting me vent...needed it.