Did I push away my ex or I'm I just hopeful?

[stephaniebed]

Long story short I dated a guy for a year, over a year ago. It ended, quite badly and because he screwed up I stopped talking to him for a year. I've been in a new relationship but it just wasn't quite the same, my ex spent the year trying to talk to me but I ignored him...

Two months ago I started talking to him again. He added me on facebook the day my he found out I was single by earsdropping on a friends conversation. He was cold as first but he started talking loads on msn/phone. We have met up three times yet I've always had to be the one to initate a meeting, but after each meeting he is slightly warmer to me. Our last meeting involved us holding hands, kissing and hugging for warmth etc... I asked him what he wanted from me. He said he loved being my friend but wants more, but he doesn't know what.

Unfortuantely we go to the same club. I saw him Saturday and he was nice and hugged me close and everything, but the rest of the night evaded me like the plague. This got me very angry so I concered him *he was drunk but didn't know* and told him how I felt. He said he stayed away from me in clubs because he wanted me to find someone new and worthy of me. I told him that it hurt considering I wanted him. He looked shocked at my reaction and kept saying "You actually pick me?!"

I acted crazy that night and continue to hound him for answers, now two days ago hes saying he just wants to be friends. I callled him and we had a chat. He said he was tense around me, and even though we had the potential to last a long time he thought we would only last 3-5 months. Not heard from him since...

Have I blown it? Did I have a chance to start with?

[pepsidude]

I think the guy just think that he already screwed up badly (as you said) enough and for a long time didnt even think it was possible to get you back. Maybe he was and still is hoping that you get together again, but was really surprised that you wanted him back after all the stuff he had done previously.

Another thing might be, that he doesnt trust himself. I don't know how he screwed up before, but if it was infidelity, it can be that he doesnt trust that he can be faithful to you because somewhere deep inside of him he knows that eventually he will screw up again and that will totally crush you.

Overall, i dont think that you have blown it - just dont pressure him in the next few weeks and just enjoy his company/talking to him. Eventually you will have the talk and then you will know is it still possible to be with him.

[stephaniebed]

Thank you for your honest reply. I am trying not to pressure him, but now that he is not contacting me I can't even spend time with him to make him less tense around me. After he said he wanted to be friends I said I didn't think I be friends with him, so he said he was sorry that it had come to this. This was when I got scared and called him and we chatted on the phone. We talked for two hours the first hour it was his confusion and him wanting to be friends because he doesn't see us ever getting back together but admits that there is something there between us. He said he wanted to also be friends because he doesnt want to "string me along" while he figures out his emotions as he needed plently of space but doesn't want to leave me out in the cold as he cares about me.

After the first hour we started cracking jokes and talked about random things, and he started picking up good little things that he remembered about me from our past relationship. I didn't want to keep him too long on the phone to avoid being seen as pestering so I said if your busy you can go, but he said he was quite relaxed. I ended the call as I wanted to go and eat but I sent a playful text saying goodnight and got nothing since. We planned to meet up yesterday a couple of days ago but he was been silent, even though hes online on msn Ive heard nothing. His elderly nan was also admitted to hospital and apparently is in pretty bad shape which makes things worse.

Just so lost what to do..

[stephaniebed]

*bump* anymore advice?

[Bonfire]

It would help if you tell us how he screw up. Did he cheated on you? That info is important to help us determine his character.

[Wakeup]

He's told you he just wants to be friends. What is wrong or missing in you that you'd not take that remark at face value and keep away from persuing him for anything more? You're ex's for a reason. In that short period of time I doubt either of you have changed much and lilkely the same issues that caused you to break up the first time are still very much present in the both of you.

Give up on him. If he wanted you in the same way you want him, he'd have been keen to have you since you laid our your feelings to him. The way things are now, if you carry on with him, you will be falling into bed with him and he's still just only want to be your "friend" but you'll be upgraded to "with benefits." Not much of an upgrade when you want to be his girlfriend that he loves and respects and is exclusive with now is it?

[Boisdevie]

He screwed up yet you want him back? Do you enjoy being a victim? Here's an idea. Don't talk to him, go to another clubn and find somebody nice. Unless you enjoy being a victim in which case stop complaining to us.

[drfyco]

give him the chance, maybe he won't tell u the true answer right now.. just be a friend 1st, slowly u will find the answer ya!!!

[stephaniebed]

Bonfire - He was getting too clingy and so I broke it off for a day. Then we had a talk about our issues and he told me he wanted to be honest with me about everything and he had a crush on my best mate. He told this said female mate when I started acting distant towards her and she kept asking him why. I couldn't deal with this and stopped talking to him for a year.

Wakeup thank you also. I took it more than face value because the week before he was all over me saying he wanted more but wasn't sure yet. That he missed being with me etc, but I didn't voice my feelings then... I believe by demanding a talk in a busy club whilst drunk I scared him off. This is my belief, maybe this is just me being hopeful?

[Bonfire]

Wow, he told you he had a crush on your best-mate and you didn't talk to him for a year? A bit extreme don't you think? Anyways, it looks like he learned his lesson that being clingy is a turn off for girls and now doing the complete opposite. And obviously it's working. Looks to me there is still a chance of you two getting back together. Obviously, since you were the one who dump him, he's more guarded about his emotion with you than before.

[stephaniebed]

Thank you Bonfire! Ah but we tried for three months to get back together. At the end of it he walked away, and when he tried to talking to me after 2 weeks of "finally being over" I couldn't deal with it and cut him off for the year. I'm trying to distract myself with new hobbies and going out and meeting new people so in case I really have no chance here I will not dampen my chances elsewhere... But if he does decided to talk to me again I would love that chance..... how do I make him comfortable around me again?

[Bonfire]

Thank you Bonfire! Ah but we tried for three months to get back together. At the end of it he walked away, and when he tried to talking to me after 2 weeks of "finally being over" I couldn't deal with it and cut him off for the year. I'm trying to distract myself with new hobbies and going out and meeting new people so in case I really have no chance here I will not dampen my chances elsewhere... But if he does decided to talk to me again I would love that chance..... how do I make him comfortable around me again?

Oh so that's how it went down. It makes more sense now. Well, I don't think you should need to do anything to make him feel comfortable around you other than being yourself. Just give him the time and space to adjust to seeing you again. If you act clingy or desperate, it might push him away. Just let things happen naturally. If he feels anything for you, he'll want to be around you more.

[Wakeup]

Thank you Bonfire! Ah but we tried for three months to get back together. At the end of it he walked away, and when he tried to talking to me after 2 weeks of "finally being over" I couldn't deal with it and cut him off for the year. I'm trying to distract myself with new hobbies and going out and meeting new people so in case I really have no chance here I will not dampen my chances elsewhere... But if he does decided to talk to me again I would love that chance..... how do I make him comfortable around me again?

Well this pull me in and push me away crap that you've both been doing to each other is dysfunctional and it's certainly not love but rather co-dependency. Quit talking to him all together is my advice. you can't be friends with someone you want a relationship with.. It never works out right and you end up stagnating yourself from meeting the person you're suppose to be with while you play the game of not caring while inside you cry.

If you were meant to be he would not have had a crush on your mate, you would not have broken up and you'd still be together. Find someone and quit thinking he's your only option. Its just desperate thinking on your part to think he's the only male option available to you.

My advice still stands: if he wanted you to be his gf he would be by now.

[stephaniebed]

...All your posts on this forum make you sound so bitter, but I acknowledge your advice. Thank you

[MrManups]

Be hopeful, Your ex must love you too much to let you go, Even if he don't show it, he still does if he hangs around like that.