How do I talk to my boyfriend?

[cerulean]

Hey guys. I'm stuck in a situation here and any advice would be very helpful. My boyfriend and I have only been together for 6 months (been living together in a small one room guest house just him and I for 7 months), but we started out as friends over a year ago. He had just moved from the East Coast to California. We started exchanging "I love yous" even before we technically called ourselves official.

Here's the thing. He and I share a lot in common, but we're also worlds apart. He grew up in a fast paced environment while mine was more relaxed. He's very impatient, and I'm one of the most patient/easy-going people I know. He has to plan everything, and I'm very spontaneous. Because of our differences, we clash. For me, I don't mind our differences, but my boyfriend tends to get very irritated with me on how I do things at home, and he'll speak his mind out about every... little... thing, and he'll want things to be done his way.

Through out the months, I've started to grow distant with him little by little because I feel like I'm living in a strict household. I almost don't want to touch anything because I'm afraid of how he'll react. Lately I've been standing my ground and getting into arguments with him because I'm sick of putting up with his BS. I always try to help out as much as I possibly can by cleaning up the place to how he likes it whenever I have a day off. There are plenty of times I'd run errands for him or grab him food. I'd surprise him with little presents here and there and love notes, all that he's enjoyed, but lately I've been feeling he takes me for granted. I feel like he doesn't reciprocate. Even in bed... I'm always the one giving him for-play, and while we have sex I feel rushed. I don't feel I can rely on him much because if it's not something he wants to do, he won't do it.

I need advice on how I can talk to him. Whenever I'm put on the spot, or am in an argument with him, I freeze up and can't say anything clearly. I'm a bit of a push-over, and because of it, I normally lose the fight with him. Every argument/fight always seems like a competition with him. It makes me livid inside. He doesn't realize it (I don't think) but he'll twist his words to make me feel like I was in the wrong. I don't like how he reacts to what I say, or how he talks to me. I especially don't like when we're around friends, sometimes he feels that is an okay time to raise his voice at me about something. Our friends even feel awkward sometimes.

All in all, guys? How should I speak to him? It's really affecting me and I almost feel like breaking up might be the answer, and that's only if after I talk to him about all of this that he doesn't see the bigger picture. I am the first girlfriend he's ever lived with, so I don't think he knows how to handle it. His longest relationship was 2 years where as mine was 5. I'm 25 and he's 27, so he's had lots of free time to play around. He also told me he's felt the most for me. Any way, I would love to hear what you have to say. Thanks a lot. Sorry it was so long.

[lahnnabell]

Sounds like he's gotten comfortable enough with your situation to feel like he's entitled to have an opinion about everything. And yes, he's taking you for granted. Sorry hun

[cerulean]

Ok, thanks. But any advice on how I should talk to him about about his behavior?

[isay]

Read why men love bitch$s or why men marry bitch#s.....really helpful if you want to stop being his doormat and take a little bit more control in the relationship. It was fun to read too--makes a lot of sense in many ways. If you truly care about him and want to try to see if things can change a little you need to make a change first----if not I can see this relationship not lasting very long. He kind of sounds like an ahole but maybe it's just the way he is responding to your way of doing things....Maybe you try too hard, maybe you give too much. There's a lot of psychology involved.

[QueenofCorona]

I think when he gets confrontational like that just say "I refuse to discus this now. We can talk when you calm down." Stand your ground. Walk away if you have to. I get the same way. My dad had a horrible temper and yelled a lot when I was younger. I hated that and will never be with a man who acts that way.

Take back some control. If he respects you he can wait til he's calmed down enough to discus the situation. Disagreements are one thing but him shouting at you and twisting words is bs. Maybe write down all the things you want to work on and use it as your kind of outline for what you want to talk to him about....I get nervous and then forget what I want to say at times. I'm not saying bring the paper with you but remember what you want to talk about and use words like, "I feel" rather than "You" so he's not thinking you are attacking him. Although HE deserves to know what it feels like to be attacked. I hate people who have to try to have the last word by intimidation/bullying.

If he can't change then its time to peace out. You don't want to have children with a man like that or spend your life with someone who treats you like a door mat.

[vashti]

You shouldn't be living with him after dating for such a short amount of time, and this is why. YOu really didn't have enough time together to decide if you'd be compatible beyond the honeymoon stage.

[cerulean]

QueenofCorona, I actually do exactly what you've advised me to do, yet it still happens. It's horrible because my boyfriend and I work together. At our job, we have different stations and we all get switched around a lot. Well, most of my co-workers even have a problem working with him because he's just way too competitive which makes the work environment not fun at all. I'm going to make that list and try to talk to him soon, I'm just so scared to because I'm afraid of losing my temper, and I'm afraid he won't compromise with me. If that's the case, I'm going to break it off with him... I just wish I didn't stumble or screw up how I talk.

[lahnnabell]

You live together AND you work together? I don't know if there is much that is going to help you. There's a big reason why you are advised NOT to date coworkers.

[cmacattack1]

Don't feel bad or self conscious about how you talk, no matter what you say it doesn't sound like he wants to listen anyway. He's stubborn and not listening is a bad sign because he's losing you and he doesn't even know it because he's not listening to the signs. I think you should organize your ideas and then just sit him down to have a chat with no distractions or anything else going on. Bag a bag of stuff to get by before you do. List everything that you have told us here about how you feel and convey it to him in a calm, quiet tone. Try not to let him interject when you are speaking, if so just kindly remind him that you weren't finished talking. You have to let him know that he is losing you. If you hear anything like "that's just how I am" or any other excuses for his behavior, tell him that while he not perfect, he should want to become a better person both for himself and for this relationship. Keep your cool and your calm the whole time, maybe even write some notes down if you feel like you are losing your thoughts. Just try your best not to get angry, even if he is. Nothing good can come of it.

After you have finished going over everything you are having issues with, try and crash someplace else (friends/coworkers/hotel?). If you can't even make it through the conversation without losing it because of his reactions, just quietly remove yourself from the situation. You gave it your best effort. Most of us don't really realize what we have until we are gone. My ex let herself completely lose it before she dumped me, and she tried everything she could to try and get me to understand. But it was mostly accusations and hysteria because of all the emotion involved and I didn't listen. She held on until she had somebody else lined up and then made the transition. While you could probably find somebody else better (like my ex did), if this is really important to you, just try everything you possibly can. And one thing my ex didn't give me was space, until she broke up with me. And that was what I needed to really get the message through my thick head and deaf ears.

[carl1222]

He is a classic control freak, cerulian. RUN ... don't walk ... away before he has the chance to completely erode your self-esteem.

I have no advice on how to talk with him because he is a bad boyfriend. My advice? Stop talking with him altogether!

Carl.