"friend zone"...

[Vergil]

So. Bear with me, that's all I have to say lol.

This girl and I hooked up once, we were both pretty drunk, but we were good friends before that, with some flirting here and there. I fell in love, I didn't tell her, she hooked up with another guy the next week, when I thought all the flirting we did a few days before that night-out would suffice for us to, you know, be together again. Soo I was pretty drunk and started to cry, she asked if it was because of her, I said "no.", she left town (she lives in another town, just came for a few weeks to visit). I didn't get too drunk before she hooked up with the other guy, I was talking with her, making her laugh and everything, so it's not like she got disgusted with me being drunk and then went to the other guy. I deleted her from my facebook the same night, I was drunk and thought I have nothing else to say to her ever again in my whole life. She added me again a few hours later asking "why". I just said that night was hard for me and she said "ok, I know.". Then, I told her that I honestly expected her to at least talk to me about something that night she hooked up with the other guy (She even asked me if I was going out that night 100 %, and the last time she did was the night when we hooked up, so y'know, high hopes), and told her that she acted cold and then just went and hooked up with another guy, so I couldn't really hide the disappointment while being so damn drunk. I still didn't tell her I'm actually in love. She said everything's fine, we can keep being friends. So we did, we remained pretty awesome friends, still with the flirting and all. At one point, in our texting (since she lives 150 km away from me), she mentioned how she couldn't find anyone to fall in love with, and no matter how many guys keep hitting on her, she rejects them, thinking they all want the same thing and then dump her. Since I am so in love, I just said " This is a conversation for another time, you won't be coming by for like two months, so it's kinda pointless to tell you know. Gotta go to sleep, long day ahead of me". She sent "I want you to tell me whatever it is that you feel the need to tell me, you know I always want to know everything. Expecting a text from you next morning. <3 :* ;) "

Soo my text went something like this "Since I was ordered to do so last night, I am sending you what I have to tell you. As you already know, it wasn't hard to notice, I am in love with you. I am telling this mostly because of you,to show you that there are men out there who don't want the same thing, and who do not see you as a sex symbol, I personally see you as a great person. So there is no need for that "no one likes my personality" thing". She said the text was awesome, and that she'll text me as soon as she could.

That evening, I texted "is now a good time?" She "I totally forgot about you, sorry <3 <3 <3. What's up?" Feeling like a ****ing idiot, I just texted "never mind". She "I was just too busy today, sorry <3 " I asked if she had any comment on that message I sent, besides "awesome". She said she doesn't really think I'm in love, that I just like her, since "practically, we weren't even together".

At that point, I was missing her so damn much, I said my brother lives in the same town as her, and that he called me to visit him, so we can see each other. She said "Omg, sure, be sure to call me if you're coming, we have to see each other, but as friends only"

I went there by bus with a friend (who actually lives in that town), I met her, we talked about all kinds of stuff, I was so damn mesmerized I couldn't say half the things I wanted to say. Close to the end of our meeting, I said, "we need to discuss my feelings. Please, do not try to convince me that I am not in love, because I know I am." ( It wasn't really that crude, I made jokes, she laughed while I was saying this, but I can't really translate all of it. She kinda interrupted me saying (short version) "We live too far apart for a stable relationship, I see you as a friend" and whatever. I said okay, and we kinda left that part behind, I was totally fine with just being with her during the last 45 minutes I had left before my return bus left station. She stayed with me until the last minute, we talked, it was awesome. She said I call her when I get home, to see if I got there safely. I texted her saying "The bus bored me to the death". and she said "see, I told you should've left earlier :))) " me "Nah, it was nice this way too. Really nice." she "I'm glad. :) " . 5 minutes later, after I didn't respond anything. "But you do realize we will stay friends after this and that's the only thing we will be?". Me "Yes, yes". She "Ok, that's what I wanted you to know". "I know, don't worry".

I love this girl so damn much, for a whole month I didn't see her, and still all I could think about was finding a way to see her again. I don't think this feeling will ever pass, since she is always somehow in touch with me. I am addicted, although I never let it show in front of her.

I know getting out of the friend zone would first mean bashing the friendship to the ground first, and then going up with all the flirting and making her jealous and whatever, but I don't think I can really be cold to her after this. Still, being in love as I am, I think I will only bury myself further down the "friend" hole. The only consolation I find now is that I think she probably wouldn't reject my advances if we were on a romantic place (like overlooking the city or whatever) and if we were alone ( I could arrange that, since we are still pretty much very close friends). I only wish she too fell in love with me, and even then the relationship would be hard to maintain at the distance. I have tried to let go so many times, but I really can't this time, and it's the only thing I can think about for the last month or so.


Lol, wow, I just hope someone reads all this and helps me. Not all of the conversations were as crude and simple as I put them here, but you get the basic idea, I couldn't really translate all of it.