Was I really wrong? Please need advice ASAP!

[SweetMessiah]

Hi,

Please refer my previous thread with more details about what happened:

Thread title "I Cry day and night". I cannot post links as my post count is less than 15.

It explains all the details about how my girl changed her words after a long time. However, I would like to know from people out here.

I have never forced my girl to do anything. We always had a discussion and both had an equal share of do's and don'ts. Now, the thing is, we all have our own views of a life after marriage. She's the type who likes her career a lot and loves her job, this is what she told me at the start of our relation. But, I am the type, who would like to marry a girl who is ready to quit her job after marriage so that she can devote more time to family and everything.

The whole problem with her is not in her views. But the fact that after hearing my views she changed hers and said that she is ready to quit the job just because of me and so that she can manage family better.

her current job is in a corporate company and the schedule is like morning 6 AM to night 7:30 PM, you are occupied with work and have to be away from home. I explained to her, that with this kind of a job schedule it's going to be impossible to manage home. We even went for a live in relationship quite a few times in between so that we really know how is it like staying together and managing stuff.

We both were working in the same office and had the same schedule. By the time we used to get back home, we both were tired like anything. It was that time when she herself said, that I also feel it's going to be impossible to manage both the things, at the same time. She was completely convinced with this idea of quitting job after marriage.

However, she never put her concerns to me clearly in the starting of the relation. It was almost always like she is completely cool with the idea of quitting the job. So, I never gave much thought to it. However, whenever she said, she would quit the job, she added a sentence saying, but nowadays there are many ways to get a job on internet or work from home or things like that. I said, it's completely cool with me, getting a job where you don't have to stay away from home for a long time sounds like a good idea. We had a discussion over a few job profiles like quitting corporate and taking a job like Teaching, or Interior Designing and many other things. She seemed to be happy with that.

But today, she says, I was afraid of telling you all through about my idea of quitting the job since you would have got angry and given a bad reaction. But I feel, it's better if I tell you clearly right now itself that it will be frustrating for me later on after marriage and that might create more problems. So, I would like to continue with my job. This is what hurt me the most. Why didn't she express everything clearly before itself?

I have thought over this and though I know she is wrong in not saying it explicitly to me before but now she thinks it's better to tell before marriage itself. Yes, she is wrong in delaying in telling me her true feelings a lot but I want to know my next step?

I truly love her a lot. I just wanted her to quit a job like Corporate and probably get something lighter like teaching and things like that. Should I really discuss with her about this? What is your suggestion?

I know she is also under the influence of her friends who might be bad mouthing me by saying things like he doesn't want you to be independent and wants you to be dependent on him forever. But it's hurting me like anything.

Should I have a one to one clear discussion with her over this and ask her what are her views after marriage? If she says, she is ok with taking up Teaching or something like that. I think that's possible, since her routine would be a little lighter and she would also get time to devote to family and house. So, should I really have a discussion with her about this?

Please let me know as soon as possible!

[jil]

hey guy,,what i feel is a real tight situation,,.u must talk it out with her.that goes without saying without hurting her feelings,nd listening to her point of view!!
u dont live wid a job but a person.if she understands the situation nd luvs u the same way,she would surely give it a thought nd do wats better 4 ur married lyf.my tip wil be -tak 2 her patiently nd lovingly,.do not scream nd ul see ur problem is solved!
good luck!

[SweetMessiah]

Hi,

thanks for the reply. However I think you have not read my previous thread and you don't understand the problem completely.

The major problem is, for more than 1.5 years she gave me a complete different picture about herself, her views of marriage life and quitting job and everything. We had so many discussions over this already.

It's only recently that she brought it up and said an entirely opposite thing. Ok, so her views changed in one shot! Or the fact is she was hiding her true feelings all through. This is definitely equivalent to cheating the feelings of your partner. She didn't even bother to approach me with caution about this, she knew I would be shocked to hear a complete change in her views. But it was almost like, this is my view now, if you like it, then it's cool else move on and find a girl of your type.

I understand the importance of discussing things lovingly and with patience with a girl. That's what I had been doing with her till date however she kept giving me false assurance.

This is the reason I ask for an advice. That should I just forget how she changed her words after 1.5 year and have another round of discussion with her?

Morever, I even messaged her a while back. Earlier she had blocked my number but not now. She seems to have no sort of remorse or regret or anything. She says, why can't we be like other couples where both are working and managing house both. She says, if I feel it's difficult to manage both, I will quit the job definitely and not allow our personal life to become a mess.

Now the question is, is it even safe to take the word of a person who has the ability to go against her own words after 1.5 years? What is the guarantee that she wouldn't do this again? Hope you are getting the point now and it's more clear.

It's quite possible for her to say after marriage, yes I remember I assured this to you long back, but today I feel, why should I quit my job if house is becoming a mess? We should find another solution or stuff like that.

In any case, I guess I will just have to accept the fact that she was just manipulating the situation all this while to gain my confidence by aligning her views with mine. This was a very wrong thing!

If she had told me frankly right in the starting of the relation, I could have at least had a discussion with her. In any case, I had discussed with her already on this topic about taking up an alternate job like Teaching or Designing or so many other options are there where the schedule is a bit lighter. So, there's nothing new in it.

Moreover, she was the one who used to tell me all through that other girls in corporate who work day and night in office, they are just not able to manage their personal life and stuff like this. So, if today her views are entire opposite and says, what's wrong in that! I think it's complete bullshit.

Anyway, I feel cheated real bad in this case. What sort of true feelings she has for me if she doesn't even give a damn about how much I will be hurt when I find out whatever assurance she was giving me, whatever discussion she was having with me till date were nothing but fake!

So, as a last thing. I have dropped her messages politely and let her realize it. Though I am not gaining anything out of it. Even if she tries to contact me again, It's a NO from me. Let her feel the pain I have felt.

[jil]

hey sweet*-
wat i can guess is that if u leave the situation just to let her feel da pain,trust me ,its never going to happen!
its tym to get it straight to her mind that she needs u the same way as u nid her,so she cant take u 4 granted nd this relationship casualy.tell her that u have chosen lyf together nd have to choose a carrier together nd that her sole dicision doesnot work here but both of ur decision.get strict wid her but not scream at her.i hope it will help!!
good luck,let me kno wat happens!
bye!

[MaidenMinx]

Have you ever considered quitting and staying home after marriage?

[SweetMessiah]

hi jil,

I understand your point completely. I would usually do this, discuss things straight with her. There were many instances before where either one of us was hurt due to the other. But we never behaved this way, to let the other person feel the pain that we have been through or to take any sort of revenge.

This time, the situation is really different. I have started to feel that I just cannot trust her words at all for anything. I know understanding is really important in a relation. So, I thought that's what we had between us. We had all the discussions, had the conclusions, then if today she goes against it completely, then the whole purpose of understanding gets defeated.

I want her to realize that there is a significance of a discussion, importance of understanding in a relation. If she doesn't even know what she is thinking and whether this is right or wrong, how can I be sure that she will stick to her own words?

We had a very good understanding, at least that's what I thought. I don't drink, smoke, do any sort of drugs, I encouraged her also not to get into any of this. She always seemed to be so happy that I don't do either of this. Her sister goes to a bar, she drinks, parties a lot, has a lot of guy friends. She used to tell me that how her sister is so spoiled!

My girl did have a tendency to get carried away with the bad influence of her friends, so I used to tell her to discuss with me. Though she should have the maturity in herself to take the right decision, but I used to tell her.

Jil,

You come from the same place as me, and you know how unsafe it is here for a girl to be outside at 1 AM roaming around and having fun! So, how does a girl who was so well behaved till date and always used to be back to hostel by 10 or 10:30 PM and stay in limits, today she doesn't even give a damn that she is outside partying with her friends at 1 AM in the night?? I think she has changed a lot. She always thought this the correct lifestyle, to have fun this way. I had no problem if this was her lifestyle, but why she pretended to be like this all through!

She has cheated me on many fronts. Really. This is a constant pain inside of me.

[SweetMessiah]

@MaidenMinx:

I really don't understand what's wrong with you. Why are you leaving such comments in my threads without even understanding the problem? Your questions are very illogical. It's not about whether a person wants to work or not after marriage, it's about a person who plans something with you, sticks to it for 2 years and suddenly says that whatever she said till date was nothing but not as per her own wish.

Don't you think it is a LITTLE TOO LATE to express your true views! So, that's what the problem is. In any case, she had the habit of changing her mind on many things as I have stated in my thread before.

So, please don't be stuck up with just one point that she would quit her job after marriage, read the text before and after that also to grasp the complete situation.

[jil]

see,
it would b of a little help if u let me kno ur age!!ny way generaly after a long relationship u tend to feel bounded,,nd try 2 break away!
this is wat is happning wid her!!i might not sound good,,but u can try going out wid her til late night if u can gather tym.in this process she wil stay safe wid u ,nd can have all the fun! i hope ur probs can b reduced!!
i m in hurry ,so will reply 2 u properly later!
bye!

[bulrush]

Now, the thing is, we all have our own views of a life after marriage. She's the type who likes her career a lot and loves her job, this is what she told me at the start of our relation. But, I am the type, who would like to marry a girl who is ready to quit her job after marriage so that she can devote more time to family and everything.

The whole problem with her is not in her views.

Um, yes it is. She corrected her views later on. She still wants to have a job outside the home.

Why didn't she express everything clearly before itself?

Because she was afraid you might have a bad reaction to her keeping her job. She said that plainly.

Your next step is to realize that she will be unhappy if she stays home without a job. That will affect your marriage, and you might end up with a divorce. Do you really think this is going to work out in the long term with her?

And MaidenMinx has a valid question. Why does the woman have to stay home and raise kids? It is getting more common in western countries where the woman makes more money, so the man stays home to raise the kids and manage the home. We are not ignoring the issue that your girlfriend changed her mind. She changed her mind, and now you now she still wants to keep her job. Let's get past that and get to one of the problems, which is: who stays home with the kids.

[MaidenMinx]

What bulrushes said.

The more you get the shits with me, the more you look like a chauvinist by the way. Is this how you talk to her when she tried to express she wanted to stay at work. She has tidied to tell you many times over the 2 years that she didn't like the idea of leaving her job and staying home and you were too pig headed to hear it. Wake up to the fact that you have been a jerk to her and she has been to scared to tell you what she really wants.

By the way, that was me being mean. The rest was curiosity. Don't accuse me of something I haven't been.

[Wakeup]

OP: You appear to have a problem with accepting and letting go. If you can't accept that she has decided that staying home and looking after you and your children is not something she wants to do on a full time basis and that your relationship is over then maybe it would be in your own best interests to get some psychological therapy so that you can learn the mental exercises and tools you need to be able to move on from a former lover and realize that you've outgrown one another.

She wants to work at her career. She wants to be free to party (until any hour she wants as she's an adult) without having to answer to anyone. She needs time to live life and then, when she's perhaps older and ready to settle down she'll quit the party life and be with a man that doesn't mind if she works and raises her family. This girl is not the girl for you. Accept that and you'll be able to move from making the memory of her your sole purpose in life. Thinking about her and how she CHANGED her mind is stagnating you from meeting someone who wants the things you want.

People change their minds about what they think they want every single day this is not something unique that she has done.

she had the habit of changing her mind on many things as I have stated in my thread before.

Even more reason for you to forget the farce of a thing you're in in your head. She's not going to be the person you want her to be accept that and act accordingly by letting go.

[Wakeup]

see,
it would b of a little help if u let me kno ur age!!ny way generaly after a long relationship u tend to feel bounded,,nd try 2 break away!
this is wat is happning wid her!!i might not sound good,,but u can try going out wid her til late night if u can gather tym.in this process she wil stay safe wid u ,nd can have all the fun! i hope ur probs can b reduced!!
i m in hurry ,so will reply 2 u properly later!
bye!

Is your keyboard broken?

[jil]

wat does dat supose 2 mean!!

[Wakeup]

wat does dat supose 2 mean!!

Is your keyboard broken? There are definately tooooo many letters missing for you to actually type like that on purpose. If you are typing like that on purpose then don't because it rather annoying to try and figure out what you're saying.

Peace.

[jil]

o ho!! i am actualy in the habbit of writing sms s so there might be a problem in deciphering wat i have written!!
i will keep that in mind!