Are we making progress with her libido? She recognizes it's down.

[anonymousposter]

Without getting into back story, she said she wants her sex drive to be higher and wants the urge to have sex again. We've had two arguments since we've moved in that were resolved, just she's the type of person where if her feelings are hurt it'll linger around. Before this her sex drive wasn't an issue. I made her feel better about everything, and did suggest her libido took a bit of a drop when she switched pills a year ago, it was enough for me to remember the difference.

She finally came around to the idea of talking to her gyno about an alternative pill, or maybe another contraceptive (most likely the former). She is pretty sure it's not because of hormones, but she's open to talking. This makes me quite happy.

Has anyone gone through this, a libido kill and switching pill to make it better? We have sex twice a week right now after two years of dating and just moving in with each other, but we want to improve it (and want her to actually enjoy it...she does have an orgasm, but doesn't get super into it most of the time. She wants the urges like I have).

She runs 3 miles a few times a week. In shape - her diet isn't exactly perfect but for the most part she does well. No depression, just her big "worry" at this point is her admission to graduate school (she doesn't speak about her worry, but from time to time I hear her concerns). We did have two arguments (one I was at a very fault, other I could have handled better despite how she was at fault) and she said that these two - despite how awesome everything else has been - is on her mind as it makes her worry if my bad attitude will come out every so often if we ever have kids. Though, she did agree I have a great attitude, just need to refine how I handle my patience with her (that even if I'm frustrated don't vocalize it directly...I told her she was being a "pain in the ass" and cursed (not at her, just about what she was doing) and she didn't like that at all).

I know that sounds bad, but she's extremely sweet and loving. I still think it's her hormones. Also, she doesn't do an ounce of foreplay - the times she does she gets SUPER hot and heavy and is great...but if she's not super into it then she's pretty terrible (I'll still get off though), but when I asked her why she doesn't she said she feels "exploited" if I go down on her. I tried to show her how that was a silly thing, too. I asked if she was completely comfortable with her sexuality (she doesn't masterbate, rarely lets me go down on her, doesn't try kinky stuff though she did say she wants to record us someday -- conversely she does swallow lol). She said she is...so I didn't push it. She's a more private person about her sexuality (so if I vocally become sexual she doesn't like it).

Then again, before the two arguments (which were resolved fully in my eyes, she just never forgets things) she was very into sex. She thinks I am handsome, is super sweet with me, but is not "sexually" attracted she doesn't get the urges to have sex - she doesn't, right now, sit on my lap and think "I want to sit on his dick now" (that's verbatim from her mouth, and it frustratse her because she is attracted and, again, loves me like no other, and is super sweet and thoughtful).

Well she gave me a blowjob last week, had sex, week before had sex 2x, two days ago she asked me to take a bath with her. I did, it led to heavy making out, but when we got out she said "be gentle" and I said, 'Why wouldn't I be?" she said "Because you like it harder." I said "True, but it's okay" and then she started to redress calmly and I told her that she need not do that, everyone has preferences. We had sex for a minute and she seemed not into it so we stopped. Then that was where we had our talk about her libido. At one point, she said that my previous suggestion of trying new positions made her feel as if she was inadequate for me - and I clarified in that everyone has preferences, and that's okay, and I always enjoy sex. That time she stopped because she thought what she wanted wasn't aligned with what I wanted and she may have felt inadequate.

Again, she recognizes a hit in her libido compared to how we were the first two years, she claims it was because of the 2 arguments, I say that plus her pills. Since our original talk a few weeks ago it's gotten much better (we had a REAL good talk working everything out, had sex 3x that week, hottest sex in awhile). But, with vacation that was long and tiring, seeing her familyi for a few days, her stressing over applications, it isn't as frequent.

[vashti]

Birth control pills are well-known to diminish libido, as does stress, but based on your post, I am guessing the technique is an issue, as is her self-esteem.

[anonymousposter]

I think it is. A few times she expressed concerns about her ability (not vocally saying "I am not good"). I am not sure if this affects it, but last time she gave me a blowjob I finished but during it I told her to change how she held my shaft. She didn't say if it bugged her, but that's one time I was being "critical" of it (told her after why I preferred the other way).

We did speak how we should be open with our sexuality so I can know what she likes. Last time we spoke is when she mentioned about feeling exploited going down there (I never go down there, maybe 10x ever). Letting me do it would help a lot.

[bulrush]

At one point, she said that my previous suggestion of trying new positions made her feel as if she was inadequate for me...

Sounds like she has some sexual insecurities, despite what she said. She may well know you need more sex, and she has trouble keeping up with you, which may make her feel guilty. Please be aware of how she feels about this. And talk about it, so she knows you know she may feel guilty or inadequate.

[anonymousposter]

She came home last night and we sat with each other and told her I wanted to talk. I asked her why she felt hung up about our previous arguments despite already speaking about it, why she feels unable to talk to me about everything she wants to, and why she felt like the incident was a judge of my character. I listened, and she told me (sometimes calmly, sometimes in a "I am still upset you did that" way, and sometimes a bit more direct and harsh) why she feels all about this. Apparently she feels that if she would tell me something immediately I'll try to reason with her with logic rather than understand and respect she feels one way and doesn't have malintentions. I honestly agreed I have a tendency to do that and would fix it.

Later, while she was tired, she asked me what the other thing I wanted to talk about was. I told her it was her libido, and said that while I think hormones are coming into effect with the pills, I appreciate her willingness to talk to the OBGYN. She defensively said, "It's not the pills, and I never said I definitely will, but that I will think about it." And I said how I think it could be it, but understand that residual feelings will come into play from our arguments. She got a bit defensive, but when I asked if she was completely comfortable sexually, she got really upset. She left the room, went to lay in the living room, got pissed, said all I want is for a girl to "**** you whenever you want at the drop of a dime 5x a day, road head, whatever you want" and that she is "sorry if she isn't like other people you've dated."

I was stunned...I told her to come back to bed because it's silly to do that. She didn't want to, and I said "Hun, I want to have sex with you, nobody else." And then after leaving she came to bed. I told her not to do that again because that's silly and I want to have a mature, direct dialogue to understand the sexual conflict. I told her that it seems she feels insufficient in bed, and she said, "Yes, see...it's all about how I am bad. Of course you make me feel insufficient because you always talk about sex, my libido, you always want something different sexually than what I want." And I told her she was flat out wrong, that I am being patient in working it out and that everyone has preferences and I want to be able to meet her preferences. She brought up that my preference is to do it without any build up, and I said "Hun, you won't let me go down on you...you said you feel exploited...that's a sign of feeling uncomfortable." She said "Yes you want to just run down low and that's not how it works..." I said "How can we fix this?" She said "Stop talking about it, period....stop talking about my libido, don't bring it up, if you do it's going to make me feel inadequate."

Then I rolled away from her, told her she was being difficult with her tone rather than being calm. I was trying to work with her and understand what our needs are and come to a mutual understanding, and told her that she hurt my feelings. She said she was sorry, rolled to me and said not to fall asleep upset, and then we fell asleep after a kiss.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You did better with patience than you did previously but like I said before, it will take longer than a week or two. This is just looking more and more like an incompatibility. Are you sure you can't be happy and make do with twice a week?

[anonymousposter]

You did better with patience than you did previously but like I said before, it will take longer than a week or two. This is just looking more and more like an incompatibility. Are you sure you can't be happy and make do with twice a week?

This morning I woke up earlier than her to go to work. I did the dishes and put them away, folded clothes, fixed up the living room a bit, and came to her room to give her a kiss. She said "You are so handsome "... "Come lay with me don't go to work!"..."You smell so good, oh man!" Then I started kissing her on her cheek and neck and lips and she was making bashful cute sounds, so I kept kissing her all over her face. She said the only way she wants me to stop is if I make an ugly face - so I made a silly, ugly face, and she giggled. I moved away from her, and then she said to come back, so I did this "prone sneak maneuver" (military style) up to her lips, and we sort of made out for a few seconds, and then I stopped (build up tension?). She got out of bed, saw that I cleaned things up, and was really surprised in a good way. Forgot what happened after, but kiss and left for work. Just texted me something good happened for her in her personal life so I supported her.

Again, I don't think it's incompatability, I don't think I fully realize how an argument can hurt her for awhile after - she said that this is the reason her libido is lower, and that my apologies don't come until after and she thinks that by talking about it all the time in different ways it makes her feel insufficient. When we didn't have the tension we had sex pretty frequently living together so far - enough to make me satisfied enough but not kill it was giving me it too much.

The first two years we had a very sex-driven life, then the perceived-pressure for sex on her part, coupled with a heavy argument, killed it for awhile. It got better, but I guess how much I spoke about it (rather than, as I did one successful week, create an air of expectationless romance) hurt it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It sounds to me like you overdo things, and you can't seem to let it go, and really let it go. You keep bringing it up in different ways(or the same way), and it makes her feel insufficient for a reason..she is. You are not happy with her, the way she is. As much as you say your relationship is perfect and she is the one, it's not, and unless one of you makes an adjustment(her in her behavior, or you in your expectations) it's going to just get worse. I still think she sounds a bit manipulative, especially with the hot and cold behavior. She likes having the attention of a live in boyfriend so she's happy, but not willing to make you happy too. It's either that, or she's lost/losing attraction(which she has said in plain English), or a combination. Try giving it two months instead of two weeks, and then come back and let us know how it's going.

[anonymousposter]

It sounds to me like you overdo things, and you can't seem to let it go, and really let it go. You keep bringing it up in different ways(or the same way), and it makes her feel insufficient for a reason..she is. You are not happy with her, the way she is. As much as you say your relationship is perfect and she is the one, it's not, and unless one of you makes an adjustment(her in her behavior, or you in your expectations) it's going to just get worse. I still think she sounds a bit manipulative, especially with the hot and cold behavior. She likes having the attention of a live in boyfriend so she's happy, but not willing to make you happy too. It's either that, or she's lost/losing attraction(which she has said in plain English), or a combination. Try giving it two months instead of two weeks, and then come back and let us know how it's going.

Is it really lost attraction? She really is super sweet and thinks I'm handsome, but doesn't have the sexual urges right now, and attributes it to a combination of pressure, feeling insufficient since I keep bringing it up, and two arguments in two months. Truthfully, she's given me more blowjobs in two weeks than I've had in months so she is making me happy sexually, she's initiated it lately, just not at a huge frequency nor does she realize a preference is not inadequacy. but outside of sex she's being sweet as always.

I will lay off completely, kiss and stuff but have no perceived expectation of sex. When I do that she gets more sexual, but when I am more up front about it or vulgar, it is a turn off (she's told me

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Is it really lost attraction? She really is super sweet and thinks I'm handsome, but doesn't have the sexual urges right now, and attributes it to a combination of pressure, feeling insufficient since I keep bringing it up, and two arguments in two months. Truthfully, she's given me more blowjobs in two weeks than I've had in months so she is making me happy sexualyl, but outside of sex she's being sweet as always.

I will lay off completely, kiss and stuff but have no perceived expectation of sex. When I do that she gets more sexual, but when I am more up front about it or vulgar, it is a turn off (she's told me

Yeah, so stop with the vulgarity.

Just tell her straight, "I'm not going to initiate sex with you anymore, so please don't take me touching or kissing you as an advance". Leave it at that, and let her come to you, and make her work for it..turn her down a couple times. If she doesn't improve within the next couple months...it's lost attraction. Personally, I already think it is lost attraction, but she doesn't want to give up what she has in the fact that you're attentive and supportive in most ways, plus she has control. That's just what I think based on everything you've said in this thread and the previous.

[anonymousposter]

Yeah, so stop with the vulgarity.

Just tell her straight, "I'm not going to initiate sex with you anymore, so please don't take me touching or kissing you as an advance". Leave it at that, and let her come to you, and make her work for it..turn her down a couple times. If she doesn't improve within the next couple months...it's lost attraction. Personally, I already think it is lost attraction, but she doesn't want to give up what she has in the fact that you're attentive and supportive in most ways, plus she has control. That's just what I think based on everything you've said in this thread and the previous.

Wouldn't lost attraction mean her not doing any of the following: saying I am handsome, wanting me to lay with her, being thoughful, leaving notes for me telling me she loves me and I randomly surprise them, and kisses randomly?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Wouldn't lost attraction mean her not doing any of the following: saying I am handsome, wanting me to lay with her, being thoughful, leaving notes for me telling me she loves me and I randomly surprise them, and kisses randomly?

No, it doesn't mean she wouldn't do those things. You're like her pet.

[anonymousposter]

No, it doesn't mean she wouldn't do those things. You're like her pet.

How?

I don't agree with you - if you saw how we treat each other it's perfect. We are a fantastic couple with a lot of respect except she made notice of what I can do differently (and she's right). At no point is she being manipulative.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Doesn't matter what you agree with. I'm just making my personal observations based on my experience. Everything you described, with the exception of the notes, makes you sound like her dog. If it's so fantastic, then why are you having such a hard time enjoying it for what it is?

I've never seen someone come on this site, because they thought their relationship was fantastic. If it is so, then why are you having such a hard time enjoying her, for her?

[anonymousposter]

Doesn't matter what you agree with. I'm just making my personal observations based on my experience. Everything you described, with the exception of the notes, makes you sound like her dog. If it's so fantastic, then why are you having such a hard time enjoying it for what it is?

I've never seen someone come on this site, because they thought their relationship was fantastic. If it is so, then why are you having such a hard time enjoying her, for her?

Because I want her to get back to a level of comfort with sex that is of quality, not quantity, and to fix her incorrect perceived tension meanwhile allow me to understand her needs fully. I still don't see how you think I am her "dog" - she puts in equal work, including affection, and the last few times we did have sex she actually initiated it.