"You have awful timing," he said.

[AboutTheWeather]

Well, I just spent about an hour typing out a long explanation that somehow got deleted. Now that I think about it, though, maybe a long explanation is not needed. I just need thoughts or opinions or explanations regarding the matter. I've tried asking the man himself but have not received anything leading towards the concrete answer that I desire.. not that I could dream of finding it here or within me or anything. I just have no one else to talk to.

So here are (what I consider to be) important factors. I will answer questions as needed regarding these or others:

-I am female, 20. Virgin. In school. Lonely and have never found myself so heavily infatuated as I am now. Socially anxious and around him I feel comfortable as ever and able to talk about anything. He also helps me improve myself.

-He is 27. Has a real job. Also claims to be heavily infatuated with me.

-We met about a year ago, at a dinner. Started talking online, and hung out maybe once or twice a month from there.. more recently it has been maybe once or twice every 2 weeks.

-I told him how I felt about a month ago. He sort of freaked out, in a bittersweet way. Told me he felt the same way, but that things were complicated now because he had recently started dating a girl (2 months sounds like a girlfriend to me.. but he won't call her a girlfriend. I've only heard negative/neutral things about her from him). He used corny analogies about how he did not deserve me, along the lines of "a poor guy inheriting a mansion" etc.

-2 separate occasions we find ourselves spending the night at each other's houses.. after the second time we agree we need to do something about it. My solution, of course, would be to dump the girl and choose me. His--see each other in public/with friends only.

-What kills me is that we still flirt.. as far as I know he still has feelings for me , and I for him. What could be causing him to stay with the girl? He has told me that she pales in comparison to me.. and he knows that such compliments would only make me sadder.

I don't want to be waiting on the sidelines for he and his un-girlfriend to break up. Then again, I have nothing else to do but wait. It is awful and unfair.. and he agrees. In our conversations, he makes it seem as though he has no choice in how things are going.


And now, an excerpt from an e-mail sent AFTER our first night together but BEFORE the second..:

You're breaking my heart, now. I've made up my mind that I can't do anything with you right now because of X. Trying anything right now under these circumstances MIGHT be a waste of time. I can't say it will work or that it won't work but with X in the picture I won't even attempt it. If there was no X, I wouldn't hesitate to be with you and to attempt a more complex, meaningful relationship. That might seem like a change from before -- since I already did attempt with you to try to figure it out. But now... I know I keep saying this over and over and that I run the risk of it sounding like an excuse, but I can't bear the thought of losing you as a friend, so as long as I'm 'dating' X, I can't do anything with you..

I'm not trying to lead you on or make you wait when i say things like "right now" and
as long as." It's just that if you boil everything down to its basic plot lines, it's I like you, you like me, we get along great and have an established bond. If the situation were different we'd be together and happy and secure and content. I'm leaving room for the situation to be different and perfect for us at some future date, because I cannot control or predict the future, I don't know how much longer I'll keep dating X or whether or not it will turn serious. I don't expect you to wait or think highly of me for being so confused, though.

[Mish]

You're breaking my heart, now. I've made up my mind that I can't do anything with you right now because of X. Trying anything right now under these circumstances MIGHT be a waste of time. I can't say it will work or that it won't work but with X in the picture I won't even attempt it. If there was no X, I wouldn't hesitate to be with you and to attempt a more complex, meaningful relationship. That might seem like a change from before -- since I already did attempt with you to try to figure it out. But now... I know I keep saying this over and over and that I run the risk of it sounding like an excuse, but I can't bear the thought of losing you as a friend, so as long as I'm 'dating' X, I can't do anything with you..

I'm not trying to lead you on or make you wait when i say things like "right now" and
as long as." It's just that if you boil everything down to its basic plot lines, it's I like you, you like me, we get along great and have an established bond. If the situation were different we'd be together and happy and secure and content. I'm leaving room for the situation to be different and perfect for us at some future date, because I cannot control or predict the future, I don't know how much longer I'll keep dating X or whether or not it will turn serious. I don't expect you to wait or think highly of me for being so confused, though.

I honestly don't know how you can even consider the posibility of waiting for him after reading something like this. I think if he was as infatuated with you as he says he is, he would do something about it instead of making you be his "Plan B". By acting in this way he is being completely disrespectful, to you, to the girl he is dating AND to himself as well.

If I were you, I would say something along the lines of:

"I don't know how much longer you'll keep on dating X or whether or not it will turn serious, but I can tell you right now that I'm obviously not important enough for you and you lie when you say that I am. I've made up my mind, I won't be waiting for you. Good luck with your hot date and all the best."

[AboutTheWeather]

Thank you for your quick response, Mishanya. I have tried a few times to tell him things along these lines... but always catch myself before I do. He's my closest friend at the moment--the only one whom I can turn to and be myself around. If I said anything like that I would hurt him and I don't think it would be true because no matter how hard I try to stop have feelings for him--I can't.

I just feel if I said I won't be waiting-it'd be a lie. It is, however, understood between us that if something comes along I'll go for it.. provided I'm interested. I'd like to guarantee to myself that I'd be interested.. but I only ever return feelings for a very small percentage of men who've pursued me (most of the time, it is just out of curiosity.. I hardly ever talk and thus come off as an intriguing "mystery")


I -do- feel he is making me plan B. and I'm not happy about it. It's just the whole friendship/comfortable-around part is making it difficult for me.. to choose. My options are : be miserable or be miserable, it seems.

[Mish]

Thank you for your quick response, Mishanya. I have tried a few times to tell him things along these lines... but always catch myself before I do. He's my closest friend at the moment--the only one whom I can turn to and be myself around.

He probably knows that as well. And it looks like he doesn't waste any time using your vulnerability to his advantage. In that sense he shows himself as manipulative and canniving. In all honesty, do you really want to be with someone like that even if he was available?

I just feel if I said I won't be waiting-it'd be a lie. It is, however, understood between us that if something comes along I'll go for it.. provided I'm interested. I'd like to guarantee to myself that I'd be interested.. but I only ever return feelings for a very small percentage of men who've pursued me (most of the time, it is just out of curiosity.. I hardly ever talk and thus come off as an intriguing "mystery")

You are using your low interest in other men and reciprication of feeling to others as a crutch for holding on to this guy (Who is probably absolutely incredbile in every way, except actually wanting to sacrifice his date for you).

Finding the right person is a lot of hard work. You won't be able to escape from it. BUT, I can tell you what else is a lot of hard work and which is probably even harder. Waiting for someone who doesn't respect you and who can readily manipulate you to his advantage.

I -do- feel he is making me plan B. and I'm not happy about it. It's just the whole friendship/comfortable-around part is making it difficult for me.. to choose. My options are : be miserable or be miserable, it seems.

No, it's a choice between "Be miserable or be miserable with dignity". Use your self respect to peel yourself off of him. He sounds like a user. He doesn't sound like a right person for you (as incredible as he may be in every other way).

[AboutTheWeather]

You're right. I will choose to be miserable with dignity.
Thank you.

[Mish]

You're right. I will choose to be miserable with dignity.
Thank you.

But don't be "too" miserable

Being single is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and to build yourself up without any one elses interference.

As a rule of thumb, you have to be a person who is strong and is completely happy with yourself before going into a relationship. If you can't be happy outside of the relationship, you won't be happy inside one as well.

Go out there and enjoy your freedom. In the future once the guys around you wise up and start paying more attention to you, and after you choose the best partner out of them, you will no longer have as many opportunities.

[celestialxs]

Awesome advice Mish! I think you nailed it right on the head.

[ExpoNovak]

This is a guy who is smart and savvy. He has figured out how to use you and the girlfriend (and don't be deluded here, she IS a girlfriend) while still coming out looking like the confused victim. I've tried semi-successfully to play this role in the past. It works but its HARD TO DO.

My heart goes out to you. No matter how meaningful he seems when he says things like he is confused or bad-mouths the girlfriend, you have to consider that when he is with her if she knows about you at all he has painted you to be a pesky nuisance that has a "crush" on him. He will discuss you with his girlfriend. They will laugh about you. You do not have to put up with this.

Waiting patiently isn't going to get you anywhere. It will get you laid periodically when the girlfriend is busy or out of town. Sooner or later he WILL break up with X and then he will have a NEW girlfriend without ever telling you because if you were worth it he would have dropped her in a shot and been by your side. I know this, because I've done that too. Don't take what I am saying too harshly, but know that my words come from experience on this and I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

Walk away. You lost your virginity too him and he's a ****head and that sucks. Go out with your girlfriends and laugh about it, but get rid of him. I'd tell X too, if you want to be truly spiteful. Bet she has no clue he's been banging you and sending you letters. That would be grandiose.

Either way, best of luck.

[Gigabitch]

Actions speak louder than words. Write it all down, but only the hard facts, not the mushy feelings, not the hopes and promises.

When you look at the facts, they're ugly. Really ugly. Get out of this situation.

[AboutTheWeather]

This is a guy who is smart and savvy. He has figured out how to use you and the girlfriend (and don't be deluded here, she IS a girlfriend) while still coming out looking like the confused victim. I've tried semi-successfully to play this role in the past. It works but its HARD TO DO.

Walk away. You lost your virginity too him and he's a ****head and that sucks. Go out with your girlfriends and laugh about it, but get rid of him. I'd tell X too, if you want to be truly spiteful. Bet she has no clue he's been banging you and sending you letters. That would be grandiose.

Either way, best of luck.

Thank you for your comments. Just to clear it up though.. we did not have sex.

Is there any possibility what he is doing is at least on some .. level.. unconscious? I know I have not painted the nicest picture of him but honestly he is one of the more decent people I know.

[AboutTheWeather]

Actions speak louder than words. Write it all down, but only the hard facts, not the mushy feelings, not the hopes and promises.

When you look at the facts, they're ugly. Really ugly. Get out of this situation.

I'm trying. Because for almost a year he has been the person whom I've turned, someone to listen to me, etc.. it is hard to immediately to call off ties, and in keeping them I still find myself thinking about him too often. Still, don't want to hurt his feelings.

It's going to be hard even when out of the situation.. 'til something comes along again.

Thanks for your help!

[Mish]

I'm trying. Because for almost a year he has been the person whom I've turned, someone to listen to me, etc.. it is hard to immediately to call off ties, and in keeping them I still find myself thinking about him too often. Still, don't want to hurt his feelings.

It's going to be hard even when out of the situation.. 'til something comes along again.

Thanks for your help!

Well, you don't have to cut ties, just let him know loud and clear that you are not interested in a relationship with him now or in the future. He has to know that you are not his plan B and never will be, he has no manipulation over you. Tell him something along the lines that you would rather be friends and never anything more.

Then convince yourself that this is something that you need for you, because it really is.

And don't wait for something to come along. Go out looking for it. There are plenty of decent guys out there who will treat you better.

[Mathias]

Well, you don't have to cut ties,

You're wrong.

Yes, it can be done where you remain "friends", but you're going to have to show me the upside here. As a manipulative asshole, this guy isn't going to be the kind of guy you'll want to be friends with. Ever.

[Mish]

You're wrong.

Yes, it can be done where you remain "friends", but you're going to have to show me the upside here. As a manipulative asshole, this guy isn't going to be the kind of guy you'll want to be friends with. Ever.

I'm trying. Because for almost a year he has been the person whom I've turned, someone to listen to me, etc.. it is hard to immediately to call off ties, and in keeping them I still find myself thinking about him too often. Still, don't want to hurt his feelings.

There is no question Mathias that she should end contact because of the guy's behavior. But you have to understand it in the context of the situation as well.

From what I'm hearing this guy had been her support system for sometime. Cutting ties off in extreme manner is going to set a shockwave through the system, which will probably result in a likely chance of a rebound back to this guy.

There's no harm in slowly backing off sometimes in a healthy manner. Not every situation needs to be ripped off like a band aid.

Let her have another look at him from a wider distance, maybe she will see more clear the unattractive detail of the big picture.

[Mathias]

There is no question Mathias that she should end contact because of the guy's behavior. But you have to understand it in the context of the situation as well.

From what I'm hearing this guy had been her support system for sometime. Cutting ties off in extreme manner is going to set a shockwave through the system, which will probably result in a likely chance of a rebound back to this guy.

There's no harm in slowly backing off sometimes in a healthy manner. Not every situation needs to be ripped off like a band aid.

Let her have another look at him from a wider distance, maybe she will see more clear the unattractive detail of the big picture.

This situation does. There are other people out there that can be her friend.

This guy is not healthy for her in ANY respect. Hell, we can be her support system until she lands on her feet.