My insecurity about other women is consuming me.

[Bonnielovescats]

My insecurity about other women is consuming me

I suppose I'll begin with some background. I have never been a confident person who feels content when they look in the mirror. I obsess over my flaws, focus on the features I dislike most about myself (fantasize about getting plastic surgery more often than I'd like to admit) and compare myself constantly to other women. One would assume the majority of blame for this would be due to my first and second long term boyfriends, who often put me down, pointed out my flaws, teased me and at times even compared me to others. But when I think back, I realize I can't recall of any time I've honestly felt confident at any point in my life (this goes for looks and other areas of my life- including the fact that I feel incapable of many things and don't believe I'm smart) and have never felt truly beautiful.

This Tuesday will mark two years that my boyfriend and I have been dating. He has always been loyal, faithful and focused on me during the entire course of our relationship. He never checks out girls in front of me, never makes comments about them (he even tells me that he doesn't have a celebrity crush- which I am certain is untrue but I find it sweet that he cares that much and avoids wanting to hurt my feelings). He gives me constant reminders that he only has eyes for me, compliments me often enough and has spoke negatively many times regarding men in relationships who have wandering eyes. You'd think being with a guy like this would make a girl feel 100% confident, secure and unthreatened about any other woman on the face of this planet. But this is not the case for me, sadly.

I consider myself to be a 5 and maybe a 6 after I spend about an hour and a half getting ready before going out. My boyfriend is a 10. A perfect 10. He has modeled before, has been told countless times that he resembles the actor who plays "Thor" (my boyfriend is honestly a million times better looking than him though), looks like a man you would find on the cover of a romance novel and to top it off, is a body builder and what many would consider "jacked". Needless to say, feeling like I'm out of my league is an understatement. If you don't have confidence, how are you supposed to feel good about yourself when you're in a relationship with someone like this?

Before I met him, my New Years resolution was to get into shape and change my eating habits. After meeting him though, I felt as if it were an automatic requirement for me to get my ass in the gym ASAP or else I'd look like a damn fool standing next to him. I will admit that my body has made a huge transformation over the past two years, but why isn't it good enough? When we go out, even if it's literally just to make a quick run to the grocery store, I feel I must take the time to get ready and look my best in order to be out in public with him.

That is just the beginning though. All of the above is mild compared to what goes through my mind until other women come into play. When we go to the gym, I get anxiety during the drive there because I'm worried that a fit girl will be there and my boyfriend will notice her. And if there is a girl there that I feel is better than I am, I automatically shut down, have a terrible work out because I can't focus and spend most of the time there hiding out in the bathroom. But one of the biggest problems is something I have a difficult time admitting since I find it embarrassing. I am terribly insecure when it comes to nudity in movies. I can handle it if I'm alone and give myself credit for dealing with it as well as I have been when I know my boyfriend watches these movies without me. But if he suggests we watch a movie that I know is raunchy, contains nudity or both.. I become enraged, immediately have a mini anxiety attack and automatically reject the idea. I hide most of what I'm feeling pretty well but it's obvious I am bothered. There have been times when my boyfriend and I would be lying in bed cuddling, these scenes would pop up during a movie without me realizing they were coming up, and I would completely shut my boyfriend out. I don't want to be touched or be affectionate at all if a naked woman is on the screen. This has caused me to research if nudity is in a movie before he and I watch one together. Sad, I know. But otherwise, during an R rated movie, I will just be waiting for nudity to pop up, can't enjoy the movie because it's all I'll be thinking about and will have extreme anxiety the entire time anticipating it. My boyfriend likes SO many movies that have "tits and ass" in them and it drives me crazy. He knows I dislike it but he has no clue of the extent of what I'm going through. I just feel like if he really only wanted me and only wanted to see me naked, he would avoid these movies- At least the ones that are graphic and obviously exist mostly for showcasing naked women. It's a huge turn off and I feel like he doesn't value me. It causes me not to care as much and it pushes me away emotionally due to feeling this way. During the times we've witnessed movie scenes like this together, he would sometimes either look away or fast forward them, but I'm not stupid and I know when he's alone he does not do this. I'm not an idiot.

My main fear is that I'm not good enough. Since I've been working out/lifting weights, I have lost an entire cup size and I am disgusted when I look in the mirror at my breasts. Women flaunting their perfect sized chests left and right in movies makes me feel like I'm psychically beneath them and I'm constantly worried my boyfriend is going to realize he could do better and get a real woman. I feel like a little girl. He deserves to be with someone who has a body on the same level as his. I constantly obsess over wanting plastic surgery and know that I probably wouldn't feel anywhere near as insecure about nudity in movies if I felt I finally didn't lack what so many of these naked women have that he sees on a daily basis. It's just in his face constantly- how could he NOT see that he could have someone with a better body than me?

The thing is, I know I have so much else to offer in a relationship besides looks yet I STILL FEEL INADEQUATE! I am extremely giving, generous, loving, loyal and put my whole heart and soul into a relationship when I truly love the person. I feel he's lucky to have me in that sense. But it just is screwing with me mentally on an unhealthy level to be with someone I, and so many others, see as so psychically perfect when I am so far from it. Why wouldn't he want to be with someone who has a 10 for a personality AND a 10 for looks? He has told me on numerous occasions "you know you're pretty/beautiful". If only he knew how I felt about myself deep down, he would clearly see that I feel I'm far from it.

I don't know what to do at this point. I've cried and cried because I'm so frustrated at myself for not being able to overcome this and I don't want it to consume me forever and end up damaging my relationship. I've tried talking to others, even professionals, but nothing helps. I know that I need major improvement in the self esteem area but I've been this way my whole life and nothing seems to make a difference. I feel like I'm drowning, can't come up with any sort of effective plan to overcome this and am at the point of coming to terms and accepting the fact that this might just be who I am.

I'm sorry about how lengthy this turned out to be. If you read everything up until this point, I can't thank you enough and would be grateful for any advice you may have.

[woody]

Ah Dear Lady,
If only you would see in yourself what your man sees in you which is the woman he loves dearly, the woman that turns his crank, the woman he is sensitive to, the woman he wants to be with, through and through.

You are being far too hard on yourself dear lady. Far too hard and you need to stop this and stop it now.
You are a bright, loving, beautifully sexy bombshell. He knows it, so why don't you?

You must get to the root of why you feel these pride ripping insecurities and why you allow them to dictate your moods. You really need to stop comparing your self to others. We are all in the same boat. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't have some part of her she wishes was different but most of us just do what we can and rest in this.
No one is perfect, no one.
Go take off your clothes and stand in front of your mirror and smile at yourself. Compliment yourself and say it out loud. If you start putting yourself down, slap your face and smarten up. Look at your curves, your smile and feel the brightness of confidence that is aching to get out.

Your man loves you, every single part of you. He's with you babe, you. Time to start believing in yourself as much as he does.

[Wakeup]

You need the help of a good therapist proficient in Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Why would you not get yourself help? Surely you want to stop feeling anxiety and misplaced jealousy. Stop making this your lifestyle and get yourself the help you so need.

There is nothing here that anyone could say to you that would change your mind-set so be pro-active in changing your thought process.

You are going to ruin a good thing with your boyfriend eventually if you don't get help. No one wants to caretake someone with issues if they are not doing something to help themselves get through the "ism."

[Dunedain]

First and foremost, if your boyfriend didn't think you were beautiful, he wouldn't be with you to begin with. I agree with the post above, suggesting that you see a specialist in body dismorphia. In the meantime, try to focus on what you do like about yourself, rather than what you don't. Take time to pamper yourself and affirm that you are worth it. Nobody is worth your love more than you.