Possibly going insane

[anonanonanon]

It's been a year. She left me. We'd been together for 5 years. Originally I handled it poorly, lost control of my life. Over the past 3 months I've taken my life back. I work out, I'm back in education, I've got love interests, I enjoy my life.
But every once in a while I see a car pull up outside my house. It's the same colour as hers. This sounds absurd, but one time she left me (and later came back) she confessed that she'd driven past my house while we were apart.
What makes it harder to shake this worry that she's driving past is that I haven't seen her. Not once. We live in the same town. For 5 years I saw her practically 5 days a week, and yet for the last year - nothing.
I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to show off to her, I just want to see her. Visual confirmation that we are living our own lives. Also so that I am not so tense. Every time I go to a place that she used to frequent I find myself worrying endlessly that she will appear. I wonder what she will do, will she hit me, will she just ignore me. What will I do? Will I fall back into a self-hate spiral, will I stay strong, will I be able to handle it? For the moment I don't know, and it's that not knowing that is doing my head in.
The rest of my life is fine, the last month has been heaven (on every front) but this morning a car pulled up and then drove away from infront of my house and now I can't stop thinking about her. This happens every time a car does that. I know it's not her, she has her own life, but it's a horrible reminder.

Any advice would be most welcome as, aside from this one niggle, she doesn't occur in my life/mind.

P.S: I've posted on forums before with the same problem, and many people jump to the obvious diagnosis that I am "not over her" and that I "need to move on". I just want to reassure you that I have moved on, I *ONLY* think of her when I see her kind of car pull up outside, as it reminds me, and my main issue is that I haven't seen her and am worrying about how it will go.

If you're going to offer advice on "moving on" please save it, I really don't want/need to read that stuff, otherwise, advise away

- Anonanonanon

[Yggdrasil]

Ok, I'll try to put this gentle:

You may think you have moved on, but your mind is still making connections (read on).

You see a vehicle that looks like hers, it triggers memories, you go places you both went to, it triggers memories, you smell a certain sent, it triggers memories, etc.

Your brain is still making the connection between certain stimuli and her. That means, that your brain hasn't replaced or updated those connections.

So in a way, you aren't over her (yet).

The good news is, you can 'retrain' your brain.

The connections can be 'severed' and 'rewired'. That has to do with something called: neuroplasticity or brain plasticity.

What this means is the changing of neurons and the organization of their networks and so their function by experience.

One way of changing the experiences is to be aware of them.

Next time you see a car that looks like hers, and the connection is made, be aware what's going on and consciously change the thought from: "it's her car" to (for example): "it's just another red car, like there are hundreds of them in this area". Repeat till the connection is changed. Eventualy, that should get you entirely over her and you will have truly 'moved on'.

I hope I am making sense here.

For more detailed information on how this part of your brain works, Google for "neuroplasticity" and "synaptic pruning".

[anonanonanon]

Ah so I have not moved on until nothing in the world reminds me of her.
Now I understand. How could I have been so foolish?!

Thanks for reading what I wrote and replying irregardlessly.

[Yggdrasil]

Aaaaaah.. denial

I betcha you didn't read a word of my post, or you didn't understand a word of what I posted.

[Gigabitch]

Thanks for reading what I wrote and replying irregardlessly.

Ouch. Just ouch.

Ah so I have not moved on...

I suggest that you not only move on, you MOVE. If you're living in a new place, she's unlikely to be driving past your house.

I think you need some closure. Usually, I think people shouldn't do this, but I think you should call her and just have one last conversation to put some things to rest. I don't know what those things might be, but I'll bet you do. You're haunted. You shouldn't be. You've got unfinished business with her.

Finish it.

[anonanonanon]

Shock, the denial card. You and Freud related perhaps?
As for not understanding it, I must admit my cognitive behavioural therapist put it a lot better, but then he did have a whole year to explain the ins and outs of mind plasticity and cognitive interruption.

Gigabitch, I will be moving in a years time to Uni, but of current I am with my parents and studying full time (unable to work enough hours to move out). It is closure. In my mind atleast.
You know at funerals you (sometimes) get to see the person one last time, and it instills in your mind the truth of the matter, that they are dead... well for me that's what I need. I just need to see her physically away from me and having nothing to do with me. Closure.

I wouldn't phone her. The relationship ended on rough terms and she wanted nothing more to do with me (and I respect that).

The next best option would be to go round to her house just to see her (hopefully with another guy), but that would just be insanely creepy and stalkerish. I guess I'll just have to pray I see her one day soon as I'm fed up with feeling nervous of shopping at my local store ¬¬.

Thanks.

[Yggdrasil]

As for not understanding it, I must admit my cognitive behavioural therapist put it a lot better, but then he did have a whole year to explain the ins and outs of mind plasticity and cognitive interruption.

Well, you either googled that or you didn't do the work your therapist asked you to do. That's what I make of that. Maybe you're blaming your therapist for being incompetent to?

Cognitive interuption is btw an esoteric term, unrelated to neuroscience.

If you believe that closure is what you need, then you are free to believe so. I'm afraid it's not, but that's my opinion.

I rather would say what you need is acceptance.. but hey, whom am I to say so.

I'm not going to argue with you. You do what you think is right for you, it's your life. I just hope this ain't gona bite you in the ass somewhere down the road.

I do agree with Giga though that it would be a good idea to move away from the area.

[anonanonanon]

[cant quote well, am rubbish at forums ]
| Well, you either googled that or you didn't do the work your therapist asked you to do. That's what I make of that. Maybe you're blaming your therapist for being incompetent to?

I didn't google it, I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder. I did my work, I have come on in leaps and bounds. You should have seen me in a social environment 3 years ago compared with now. My therapist was perfectly competent.

| Cognitive interuption is btw an esoteric term, unrelated to neuroscience.

Congratulations. Unfortunately the issue you were dealing with (brain plasticity) is directly linked to the therapy, and as such is relevant.

As for the idea that this is a cognitive issue. My issue is not that I see a dark grey car and think of her, my issue is that I see a dark grey car, think of her, then worry about what would happen were I ever to see her again.
If I didn't have the anxiety relating to not having seen her since we split, then I would not care if I saw a car and was reminded of her (therefor showing that the issue is not cognitive, but an external issue relating to uncontrollable variables (her whereabouts)).

I don't want to argue with you. But so far you've accused me of possibly:
Googling a term I know very well (just to prove you wrong).
Not following through on my therapy (which was to do with an unrelated anxiety disorder).
Doubting the competency of my therapist.
Being in denial.
Not reading what you wrote before replying.
Reading it but not understanding it (because you're so gosh damned intelligent you just flummoxed me).

You may just be having an off day but the advice you've given, and the way you've handled the situation, has been useless and offensive.

[Yggdrasil]

Well, instead of getting all defensive about it, you could have explained all this right away. Now in a way, a detour was made.

There's nothing to be ashamed of having been in therapy or being in therapy. On the contrary.

I don't like pulling teeth but it sometimes gives results and now I am starting to understand a lot better where you come from and where you are standing.

So if I see it correctly, what's going on is that you have a twofold issue: your SAD and living in an environment that adds to that anxiety. So basicaly what is happening is that you receive stimulus, think of her and then start worrying about what if.

That's shitty bud.

Serious question now: if you would move out of the area, would seeing a grey car still trigger this particular sequence of thoughts?

Also: what do you think may happen if you would see her again? What is it that stresses you so much about that thought?

I think those are fair and good questions to ask yourself.

NM the quoting thing, you're doing well.

BTW: I don't think you're going insane. I think you have a really hard time figuring out how to cope with all this.

[Gigabitch]

Have you made any attempt to date anyone else? Maybe you just need to see yourself having nothing to do with her.

Anybody you find attractive?

[Rollerderby]

I think if you're going to post questions in a forum, you need to be a bit more open minded about the responses you're going to get.

And you haven't moved on because you need closure. People who have moved on have closure.

[Junket]

Ygg, you deleted 5 posts in this one thread.

You do realize you can simply EDIT your post, right?

[Yggdrasil]

Ygg, you deleted 5 posts in this one thread.

You do realize you can simply EDIT your post, right?

Yes I know. For some reason the posts did come out garbled and edit didn't work. I had to uninstall and reinstall my browser to get the problem fixed. It's working fine now. Thx for being concerned and being on top of things Fras.


EDIT: test

[Graham Berkeley]

Something similar happened to me when I was younger. Relax and know there are things outside of your control and be glad its working in your favor. I mean do you REALLY want to run into her if your that nervous? Wouldn't it be better to run into her after enough time had past and enough awesome things were happening in your life that you were not plagued by these feelings?
Ignore people who say "You're not over her!" because it doesn't matter weather you are or aren't it only matters if you are working toward a better/happier life for yourself. You will probably always have some "Trigger" in your mind for her but as long as it isn't derailing your life what does it matter?

Also stop analyzing things. I do it all the time and know how hard it is not to do it. Pick up a new hobby or interest and get good at it and you wont have to TRY to stop analyzing.