Boyfriend's Friend

[rae05]

My boyfriend and I both have really long time friends in the States that we have never met. I have a purely platonic relationship with mine, he says that when they were younger they liked each other and probably would have been together if distance wasn't a factor.

So here's the thing. The girl texts him SO much. She lives where there is almost a 5 hour time difference so she texts him at like 4am and wakes us both up (He uses the alarm on his phone for the morning so the volume is on). And on Friday I was espcially ticked because he had called her (which I didn't care about, it was cool) and then after that she texted him 35-40 times! No joke! That is a LOT of texting. She was saying like "I wish it didn't cost to call Canada so we could talk every second of every day" and " I get online every day and wait for a hour so we can have our chats". She facebooked him saying all kinds of romantic things in Spanish to him and asked him if he loved her. I mentioned it to him, the sheer amount of texting being the biggest matter. He said "You text your friend and you tell him you love him". Uhh no. No I don't. I text him maybe once or twice a day, and we do NOT tell each other we love you. He doesn't get that it upsets me and just uses the 'you do it too" card. But I feel what she texts him is inapprorpriate and disrespectful. What can I do to make him REALIZE this without him accusing me of doing it too??

[vashti]

He is defensive because he enjoys the (inappropriate) attention.

He has made it clear what HE intends to do, which is to continue this extra relationship. The only question is: what are YOU going to tolerate? If you don't want a boyfriend who has this sort of interaction with other girls, now is the time to find one.

[thefallenheart]

everyone needs friends. you have security issues. and what were you doing looking through his text messages? thats not respectful.

[vashti]

everyone needs friends. you have security issues. and what were you doing looking through his text messages? thats not respectful.

But getting romantic messages in Spanish from another woman IS?

You must be kidding.

[thefallenheart]

But getting romantic messages in Spanish from another woman IS?

You must be kidding.

is he actuely chating? my God, would you believe it, hes not. so whats the problem. some girl has a crush on him. is that his fault? no, its not.

and she should not have been looking at his text messages.

[misombra]

is he actuely chating? my God, would you believe it, hes not. so whats the problem. some girl has a crush on him. is that his fault?.

yes. he engages with her and keeps the conversation going.

what's worse than that though, is that he disregards how you feel and wants to keep it going.

why are you trying to be with a guy who wants to be with someone else?

[Mish]

is he actuely chating? my God, would you believe it, hes not. so whats the problem. some girl has a crush on him. is that his fault? no, its not.

and she should not have been looking at his text messages.

He is leading her on, he should be aware of how inappropriate her behavior is, but he is doing nothing to stop it. This can be considered "emotional infidelity".

Though, OP can be accused of similar in lesser intensity.

My suggestion both should quit this nonsense (this chasing of the unavailables) and concentrate on the actual relationship

[rae05]

is he actuely chating? my God, would you believe it, hes not. so whats the problem. some girl has a crush on him. is that his fault? no, its not.

and she should not have been looking at his text messages.

Who said I was looking at his messages? He said "aww she sent me a nice text" and read it out to me. Way to assume I'm a snoop.

[rae05]

Can I just make something clear please? For one, I do NOT look through his texts. Second, I am in no way against him having her as a friend. It is just that her text messages actually disrupt our lives sometimes that she sends so many of them, and what she says. I do NOT think it is my boyfriend's fault that she's doing it, he doesn't reply to half of her messages.

[misombra]

so then why are you asking us about this?

[lemonade69]

I can see how annoying that is, it's downright disrepectful and disruptive to you, and he defends HER for it. What's more he accuses YOU of saying the same things with your friend, WHICH YOU DON'T. This is classic of someone who knows what he's doing is wrong but wants to find an excuse for it so he shifts the blame on to you. Trust me, if he honestly wanted her to stop, it would have stopped by now. 30-40 mssgs?? He must be encouraging it somehow.

And he even tells you that "he would have been in a relationship with her if it wasn't for the distance"??? Hell, he might as well have told you "I can't have her so I'll settle for you".

Decide if the above is what you can put up with (cos it's highly unlikely it's gonna change), or if you have respect for yourself, then leave.

Find a man who will focus on you and you only.

p.s. of course the guys are gonna say 'it's ok'. they like the attention. It's that 'gotta spread the seed' bullshit. Have a very attractive male friend text you 40 times a day and wake your bf up at 4 o'clock, and see what he'll say about that.

[Gigabitch]

^^^ Yeah, that. Exactly.

And Vashti put it clearly: he's said what he's going to do. Now what are YOU going to do?

[bluesummer]

Totally disrespectful on his part, even if he's not returning the messages.

I know what I'd say to this: "Make it clear to this friend of yours that those kind of messages (and the sheer VOLUME) are completely inappropriate. If you're not willing to do that, you don't respect me or this relationship, and I'm outta here."

I also did not like the comment about him only not being with her because of the distance. Doesn't that make you feel sort of like second fiddle?

[rae05]

I sort of let the distance comment slide since it was so long ago. It was when they were 16/17 years old, and he's 23 now. Thanks a lot for answering, its nice to know I'm not just crazy paranoid and this is something I should be concerned about.

[anachronistic]

I can see how annoying that is, it's downright disrepectful and disruptive to you, and he defends HER for it. What's more he accuses YOU of saying the same things with your friend, WHICH YOU DON'T. This is classic of someone who knows what he's doing is wrong but wants to find an excuse for it so he shifts the blame on to you. Trust me, if he honestly wanted her to stop, it would have stopped by now. 30-40 mssgs?? He must be encouraging it somehow.

And he even tells you that "he would have been in a relationship with her if it wasn't for the distance"??? Hell, he might as well have told you "I can't have her so I'll settle for you".

Decide if the above is what you can put up with (cos it's highly unlikely it's gonna change), or if you have respect for yourself, then leave.

Find a man who will focus on you and you only.

p.s. of course the guys are gonna say 'it's ok'. they like the attention. It's that 'gotta spread the seed' bullshit. Have a very attractive male friend text you 40 times a day and wake your bf up at 4 o'clock, and see what he'll say about that.

Aren't you a member on pixelation?