i would never come on here only if i were this lonely.

[june_]

if this becomes long it's because i'm really lost in life.

my husband & i have been officially married for 1, "married" for 4, together for 5. we don't wear rings, not even a marriage ceremony�only because we didn't think it was necessary. We did not think they were significant. However, we do move around for each other. By that I mean moving to a new country (20 hours away) for a couple of years where he continued studies with me after he quit his job. I also then moved (24 hours away) for him, left family for a life with him.

my family except for mom is an ocd patient, not severe but i have one time broke down. ever since i lived with him i have become less clean. i thanked him for helping me overcome some ocd, so much so when i visited home, my family called me dirty. -_-"! Nonetheless, I am still a very clean person to him. I am very bothered with stinky sinks, moldy food, stains on kitchen counter that i have cleaned in the morning. i still find it hard to tolerate clothes on the floor wherever he last puts it. Whenever the place gets very unorganized with nasty smells, i do not feel at home, it BOTHERS me. I tell him nicely though, he does dishes maybe twice a week. He works part time I study full time work part time. So I'm always without sleep or sleeping late, but I still cook everyday, launder whenever i can at least once a week, clean the dishes 7/10 of the time when i cook.

We've been arguing lately, I am aware that I self-pity. He calls me demanding. A few days ago I just explained to him my ocd and asked if he could make a bit of effort to be clean since I felt like I have been doing the most work accommodating him. A few days later he wrote an email that I accidentally saw to a counsellor telling her that i am demanding, asking him to CHANGE to be cleaner, etc. This is just one example of our problems. I was deeply hurt because I thought he understood my condition and we agreed to tolerate. I felt betrayed and the last thing I want to do is for him to feel like I am demanding or asking him to change. Change is a huge word and I am aware I should accept him as he is. I'm worried if this request was too much? Last night in bed I told him that I am hurt. I told him that I do not want him to think that I am asking him to change, or what him to do anything for me. I told him that he does not need to be clean for me. He then asked why he never expected anything from me but I do of him so much. He said he never asked me to clean or cook or anything. I swallowed my pride and said I am sorry, but I do not want to make you feel that way. He went on saying that I will change my mind tomorrow about all these. My heart felt like it has been trampled on. I said nothing and shortly after I got out of the room and quietly cried. He is never the kind of guy who would come out of the room to comfort me.

I do not get how he could feel that way after we have talked about it. If I did not cook, he wouldn't either. If I did not clean, he could care less. Since I get bothered by nasty smell and place, I clean. Since I have a weak stomach and cannot sit and wait for dinner, I cook. I also thought this housewifey things are assumed since he brings in the biggest cheques and I only work $100 a week or less. True, he never asked, but he complains about financial issues. I feel like all that I have done is not appreciated. From being a spoilt brat, I now do not shop, I get a $15 haircut once in 6 months or less, I never walked into a nail salon. I have made him return expensive gifts because I didn't feel like I needed them. On top of that, I work a little too. We're not poor. I just feel bad for spending his money.

He is a great guy. I love him and cannot bear the thought of losing him. He just showers 2-3 times a week even in summer and not so clean of a person.

I guess my question is, am I asking for too much? I need words of comfort, if I am wrong I would like to be told, although not by someone who does things in his favor. Thanks..

[Wakeup]

This is just one example of our problems. I was deeply hurt because I thought he understood my condition and we agreed to tolerate.

If you "agree to tolerate" doesn't that mean that BOTH of you agree to tolerate one another? You have a psychological disorder that you want him to accomodate when it's obvious that he cannot just take on your disorder along with you, just as you can't take on his sloppiness and poor cleaning habits.

You two need counceling in order to learn how to accomodate each others quirks, to learn how to compromise and to adjust to each others habits. I can't see anything else that will help you to live copacetically for any length of time. It's not fair to either of you to make the other be just like yourself(ves).

Good luck. I hope you work it out satisfactorily.

[smackie9]

Marriage is about compromise, sharing, communication, and making sacrifices. You need to sit down each night if possible, say after dinner and you each pick ONE issue you both may have....try not to go off topic. Then you each pick one thing that you appreciate what each other does. Try to work with this and see if you can both maybe learn to stop being so stubborn with each other, learn to compromise and work together........give it a few weeks, if it blows apart and you end up hitting a brick wall again, then take Wakeup's advice and seek out couples counseling. If he refuses then go you go yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

1. Look for a job. One that pays more than $100 a week. It may take a while in this economy, but you clearly have access to a computer so start putting your resume out there.

2. Clean yourself up . For your sake. You will need to when you go out for interviews. You will feel better about yourself. Ask your girlfriends to help re: clothes and hair if you don't know. Or post here, we can help.

3. Once you get a job, think about hiring a housecleaner. Seriously. You can hire someone weekly or bi-weekly (if you clean some yourself) and be happier about the state of your house. Plus, you'll be giving someone a job, which are hard to come by in this economy.

Notice how I gave NO advice about your husband? That's b/c before you can solve your problems with him, you need to take control of yourself first. Good luck.

[MerryH]

Preferring not to live with bad odors, mold, perpetual stains on countertops, clothes strewn about, and a man who only showers a couple of times a week doesn't sound like OCD to me. Those things are like basic levels of cleanliness and/or only take seconds to take care of. It's a problem that he can't do these simple things. You're not asking too much. He sounds gross, honestly.

And since you seem to have a big issue with asking him to "change" things, I want to add that asking him to not be a disgusting human isn't on the same level as asking him to change his personality, or whatever. You're just asking him to make some slight tweaks in his behavior (like you did) in order to make your life together easier. He should be willing to work with you on this.