High School sweetheart is back - what do I do ?!

[BillyGalbreath]

Ok - as you all know - I have been single for exactly 3 months yesterday. Well, ppl always say you will find love when you stop looking for it. This past week or two I basically have given up my search. I have been going out and doing my own thing by myself or with my brothers or Gene. Well yesterday Gene was sittin gon my porch when I got home from work and he wanted to go play baseball - I wanted too also - but I was too sore to run or throw a ball - so I asked him if he would just like to go to the batting cages. He thought for a few minutes and decided to do it. I got my step mom to watch Bryce for a few hours while we went out to go hit some balls.

We were there prolly 30 minutes and already I had busted out in a MAJOR sweat and my arms were are stiff and my muscles were bulging out in my upper chest, arms, and forearms - they have not bulged that much since I was in the high school marching band playing my bass drum. Well I got a call from my step mom after I had noticed how bad I stink and how sweaty i am and all the muscles and shit - I was think 'oh crap - what happened to Bryce' and I answered it all worried and everything walking out the door to the truck for a cigarrette (yes - I started up again) and she told me that Amy (i am not using her real name for privacy) was over at the house and wanted to see me - I was like 'Amy ?! You mean Amy Smith ?!' (again - this is not her real name) she talked in the background and then told me 'yes. what batting cages are you at?' I told her and Amy didnt know where they were so she got on the phone and just the sound of her voice made my insides melt all over again. I sat down on the ground beside my truck and then said 'hey babe.' and then gave her the directions. I sat there on the ground for a few minutes then Gene came outside and asked me what was up - and I told him my ex g/f from high school, Amy, was comming here to see me. He got all excited for me and was jumping around and doing the high five thing - lol - after about 30 minutes of waiting outside for her i decided to go back inside and hit a few more balls before she got here - right when I got back in the cage and was about to put the money in the machine my phone rang - so i got out of the cage so others could play and I answered the phone - it was her - she was in the parking lot. I instantly got SUPER nervous - so i went outside with Gene and when I saw her I couldn't believe my eyes. She is jsut as beautifule as she was in high school.

A little background info: I moved to where I am staying now back in the 6th grade and had to change schools - I met Amy at this school and we were instantly best friends - we were b/f and g/f for about a year until I went to high school - she is a year behind me so I didnt want to be a high school guy with a junior high girl - then when she got to high school we dated again for a few months and I really dont know what happened but we just kinda stopped and started going out with other ppl - i dont even remember who broke up with who - but I do know that we talked about it and it was what we both thought we should do at the time. We were friends all thru high school up until I graduated - that when I lost contact with her - I was with destine and I really lost contact of ALL my friends at that point - she was one of them. She graduated a year later and moved to Florida for college and got engaged with some guy that I met maybe once or twice but never really knew who he was. Now she is back in town for her summer vacation or something and she is still engaged with this guy but he is still in florida or somewhere else - i dont really know where he is but I do know he is nowhere near here.

Well we talked and joked and laughed together in the parking lot of the batting cages last night for prolly 2 hours. We hugged each other and held each other just like we used to back in high school - it was like we never lost contact - a very cool feeling. Then I noticed the time and invited Gene and Amy back to my dads house - I had to go back because of Bryce - I was already gone about an hour longer than I had planned. We stopped by Kroger first on the way there - I had to gets some cokes (i drink cokes like crazy) and while I was in the store Gene had asked Amy if she would date me again if she was single - I didnt know he was even going to ask that - the little ****er - well when I came out and got back in the truck with Gene he told me (she is in her own truck following us) what he asked her - I freaked out on him and said that she prolly thinks I got him to ask her - and he said no no no that she understood that i didnt - But he said that she said yes - if she was single and not engaged that she would definately get back with me. I didnt know what to say except for I called him a **** tard for asking her that.

Well back at my dads house gene sat one one side of the couch, Amy sat in the middle, and I sat on the other side - Amy was sitting really really slose to me so that our legs were touching together closely. I had my son in my lap and me and her were playing with him - he liked her right off the bat which is really good - he normally is really shy around new ppl. We were sitting there playing with Bryce and with each other for about 30 minutes then her mother called to check up on her and ask her to come home for something - then right after that her fiancee called her - she said 'I'm at.. uh... a friends house' and thats how I knew it was him. I kinda backed off then - I had forgotten all about him for awhile. After she got off the phone with him I walked her out to her truck and we talked for about 5 minutes and got each others phone numbers and screen names - Then she hugged me and I hugged her back - she did not want to let me - go I could feel it - she was holding me tightly and rubbing my back very intimately - I loved it so I held her tightly to and then kissed her on the forehead and whispered 'if only things were different' the she just looked up at my directly in the eyes and smiled really big - We stared into each others eyes for a few seconds then I started to move in very slowly towards her lips - then she started to move into mine - and then we kissed - we stood there outside her truck and kissed for about 5 minutes straight holding each other tightly. Then we looked into each others eyes again. I was like WOW ! on the inside but i didnt show it. And then she smiled really big and then she said 'ok, wel i got to get goin. i'll get on my computer and we'll chat.' I said ok and then she got in her truck and I stood in the same spot and watched her drive off and waved goodbye. then I went back inside - got Gene - and I drive him home - I was happy as all ****ing hell !!! lol - Gene could tell - I was singing and dancing in my seat - he said 'you kissed her, didnt you?' and i said 'yup yup!' he went 'damn dude!' and we laughed and I just kept singing to the radio and smiling - I dropped him off and we made plans for him to come over saturday and we would play a game of baseball then.

Last night when I went to bed I was the happiest I had ever been. I was smilling. I felt good inside. I felt at peace for the first time in about 9 months. I was at peace. I cant really describe it. I had dreams about Amy all night long - except for my last one - that one was kind weird - I was in high school again - but i had switched schools and on the first day I was in the office getting my schedule and stuff then I grabbed the phone and ordered a pizza then it appeared in my hands and I started to walk around the new school lost as **** carrying 3 boxes of pizza in my hands looking for my class. Then I woke up. Yeah - a bit off topic I know - but it was wierd - lol

Back to my point here - She is engaged - I know she has feelings for me because she is not the type of girl to jump from guy to guy or just kiss someone for the hell of it - I know that I like her ALOT! I have a job here in Houston and I cant leave this area because of it - she goes to college in Florida where her fiancee is and she is going back in August...

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO HERE ?!

One part of me says 'Go for her - if she likes me then she will leave her guy for me, then I would move to Florida with her and get a job there while she is at school.'

Then the other part of me says 'no - she is engaged - and is only here, alone, for the summer - maybe she is just looking for someone to be with for the summer and I dont want to be drug along like that'

then another part of me says 'she's not like that - she wouldn't do things with me and then go back to her fiancee and just leave me hanging'

then another part of me says 'just let things be - she is engaged - in a happy relationship for all I know - I wouldnt want to get in the way of something good those two have. if i was that guy i wouldnt want my girl to go back to her home state only to leave me for her high school sweetheart'

Than the process repeats - I dont know what to do here.

Any advice from the ppl ?!?! If you need to know information, just ask questions that you want to know and I will be happy to answer them to my best ability.

Thanks !

[squirrley]

Billy leave this one alone. Shes engaged. Enough said. Its fine to be friends for the summer-but dont cross the lines. Dont look to all the what ifs...I did and it got me no where and in a very long process. Damn I was too stupid and wish I wouldve never even gone there!

Trust me-dont go there with her-it will cause a lot of shit!!!!

[manderbug]

Sounds like she is a bit confused...perhaps wanting to check out all the possiblities before getting married. If this is the case, she shouldn't be engaged.

I wouldn't pursue her anymore. Just tell her your feelings for her and that you will not fool around with her as she's engaged. If this upsets her, it should lead to some soul-searching and she will have to decide between you and her fiance.

Also, if you were to potentially be engaged to this woman, would you want her hooking up with past loves? She could do it to you too.

[BillyGalbreath]

Well - she has had many b/f's in the past - before me, after me, etc.. She has never cheated on anyone she has ever been with - trust me - I would know - We were best friends since I was in 6th grade all the way until I graduated -- We hung out every single day and told each other EVERYTHING - lol - we even gave advice to each other on our other relationships - She has all the same views as I do on marriage - and After knowing her for 7 years I dont think she can change all that much in 2...

I am the same way with women - I am not their first pick either - so I kinda know where she was at when she got engaged - remember what I said not too long ago ? "The next girl I find I am not going to let get away..." Most likely that she said the same thing and then found him. She has always liked me. ALWAYS. I asked her today who broke up wtih who and she told me I broke up with her every time. (I guess I had my mood swings that I have today back then too...) She said she never wanted to break up, but she wanted me to be happy so she just did want I wanted - "its not like I could have stopped it. If I would have tried you would have stopped being my friend" were her exact words.

So I know how she feels about me and I am pretty sure she still feels the same. But now she knows how I feel about her too. Maybe this is why she didn't stop the kiss. She loved the kiss. She wanted to do it again today - she didnt tell me that, but I saw it in her eyes. But I did not kiss her. I am gonna give her time to think about what SHE wants. I already know what I want. But I have cheated on someone in the past and I have been cheated on... Neither is very comforting for me. So yes, While she is engaged - no - While she is with someone my hands and lips stay off.

I have seen a cycle in my past - its a pretty obvious cycle - its hurts EVERYONE involved in it - I call it the cycle of pain.

When I met Robin she was engaged. I became her friend and things then got hotter from there until she left her fiancee for me. Robin and I became engaged. I met Destine. Destine and I became friends until things got hotter and I left Robin for Destine. Destine and I got engaged. Destine met William (not me, a diff William). They became friends until things got hotter. destine left me for him. I am sure they will get engaged some day.

Robin has broken her cycle - she is engaged and she is NOT getting out of that one. Many have tried - even I have tried.

Now - Andira is engaged. She meets me (again). We are freinds until things get hotter. If she leaves him for me - I am definately going to want to marry her - we will get engaged. Where does this leave us ? With ME. This is where the cycle stops. I will not leave her. I will not have wondering eyes. I will start a new path - this time not a cycle - but a straight line - and there is no end to that line.

BUT - I also have ANOTHER choice BEFORE all that even happens - I can choose to NOT let things get hotter - I can back off and be her best friend again - I can learn to live with the jealousy of seeing her with him - I just might break the cycle at this point - but either way I do it - I just want her to be happy - I want to break the cycle of pain and let everyone be happy - BUT - this is where I am not sure what to do exactly - she has NEVER EVER kissed another guy while having a b/f or anything. EVER ! and now she sees me last night and within 2 hours of meeting up after 2 years of not seeing each other we kiss ? And no - its not like I just kissed her out of the blue. I wanted to kiss her all night but I was waiting for a sign from her that SHE wanted to kiss. The look in her eyes. The way she bit her bottom lip when I stared into her eye and moved in closer maybe a centimeter. The way she would look down from my eyes at my lips. The way she moved in closer about a centimeter also. You see what I am saying ? She wanted to kiss me and she did. We kissed for about 3 minutes non-stop. a very passionate kiss - and she had her arms wrapped around me and holding me tighly and I did the same. Its the kind of kiss you see when a woman's man comes back from war and she jumps into his arms and they just kiss forever. Except no one was jumping into any arms on this one lol...

Since she kissed me - I know something is wrong in that other relationship - I dont know what it could be - but I know her too damn well... I anted to kiss her so bad today - and it took all my strength and will power not to. What made it harder is me knowing she wanted to kiss also.

We are going out tonight. No - not a date - as friends. Just the two of us.I am still debating whether or not I should talk to her about all this - or if I should just let it all go and see what happens - I am scared to just let it all go because she is the kind of girl that will see that as not being interested - she will think that I must have not liked that kiss and it totally turned me off - but I dont want to seem pushy to the point of her thinking I am controlling or desperate and then running her off.

There are positives to both sides of any decision I make here - and then there are just as many negatives on each side. I am trying to find the one thing that tips the scale in my mind. And until then I dont know what I am going to do. There is alot of weight on each side of this scale - and there is so much at stake on both ends.

I HATE THE SCALE OF LOVE !!!

I will update you guys on this tomorrow - I will let you all know how things went and what I have decided to do - hopefully I would have made up my mind by then - and trust me, this is a choice that once I make my moods are not going to change - This is a life altering decision I have to make that effects alot of lives here - not just me - not just her - but me, her, her b/f my family, her family, her friends, my friends (if i had any friends), etc etc... It will cause a ripple effect in quite a few ppl's lives.

Why the hell does everything seem to boil down to me making life altering decisions that effect almost everyone I know and beyond !? its kinda ****ed when you think about that.

But hey! thats life. One choice after another - THAT REMINDS ME !!! I better go check my horoscope - it will help me make up my mind. I haven't checked my horoscope in a few days...

OMFG !

Horoscopes For Today: 5/21/2004
Celebrity has its drawbacks. When certain people recognize your face, know your name and can tick off a list of quotes and accomplishments associated with you, they're not listening to what you're saying now. They've already taken your picture or put you in a box. You're too familiar with this phenomenon to let flattery distract you from your mission. Collect all relevant phone numbers or email addresses and follow up on your own time. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking and you're still looking for someone to take you at face value. Watch closely and you'll get lucky.

Do you know what that shit means to me ?!?!?!

She is not the one. But someone near HER is - I will find the one thru her. But its a small window of opportunity.

OR

Maybe I am wrong about these damn horoscopes ? All you ppl tell me I am crazy about these things - I will decide what I do tonight - My eyes are open for certain clues in the environment - Maybe I will follow the horoscope - maybe I will grow up and start listening to whats in me instead of looking to the stars.

Tomorrow my friends... Tomorrow you all find out what happens...

To be continued...

[sfalexi]

I personally wouldn't mess around with her. Unless you want the chance of being the 'last fling before I get married' guy. I would wait until they are truly EX'ES!

As for hanging out, if you know you can control yourself around her, then I don't see any harm. Based on the kiss, I'm thinking you may not be able to. But if things get wild one night, be prepared for that email with the "I can't see you any more. But we did have a great time."

Alexi

[BillyGalbreath]

well guys - I hope I did the right thing tonight - We went and saw a movie and then went to jack n the crack - lmao - bad date i know - but I let her choose the movie to see and where to eat - so yeah...

Well, things were very interesting tonight - I cant definately say that for the both of us. It started out good - as friends - the best friends we used to be - then during the movie I held her hand - then next thing I know she has layed out across 2 seat and is leaning onto me and my arms are raped around her and our hands are still together - I kissed her on the check - then the neck - then I kissed her on the lips - but not a french kiss - at that point I realized what I was doing and stopped myself from going any farther - so I just kissed her on the forhead and then held her again - she was rubbing my hand while I held it and stuff like that - then after then movie we kissed again - still not a french kiss - and we laughed and joked again walking out to the car - still holding hands - then right before we got in the car she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let her - I was starting to think about the whole situation again - I played it off like I was playing around with her - she laughed - we then were talking about what we have been doing the past 2 years on the drive to get food - after we ordered our food we talked more about the 2 years. then we realized it was getting kinda late so we went out to the truck and then we sat in the truck for like another hour talking about religion and stuff - and BTW - she agrees with my whole beliefs about the horoscopes and that all our lives are written in the stars - but what makes the map is choices - blah blah blah - i posted this somewhere else - read it if you want to know what i am talking about - anyways - I told her that I would love to be with her - and she said the same back to me - i then told her that all things happen for a reason - she then agreed - and i said 'the reason is choice. all things in life are made and happen because of the choices we make.' she then agreed with that also - and then i said 'tonight was perfect. you have made me that happiest i have been in a long time. I felt comforted, loved, but most of all, I was at peace. Everything to night felt so right. But I have been on both sides of this table. I have taken a woman away from her man before. I have also had someone take my woman from me. I know how both roads work. I know the further decisions and concequences that each path carries. But now I see the 3rd path - the path that I have also been on - but never taken on my own. And in this situation - the decision that is going to effect more ppl than you realize right now - tomorrow morning you will wake up and realize that I am right - but I know right now that this is going to hurt you, and I am sorry for it. Everything that we have started last night and tonight are great, in fact, I love it all. But I cannot be the selfish person here - I dont know your fiancee, but I am assuming he treats you good. You havent seen me in 2 years, and we have barely been together for 2 days - so I know you cant possibly be in love with me - but I know for a fact that your in love with him or else you would not be engaged to him. So, I am going to have to take these past 2 nights and cherish them forever - they are nights I will never forget - the feelings that we shared - the fun that we had - But this is the wrong time - the wrong way - If you were single I would not be hesitating at all here - I promise that - and no this is not me telling you to break up with your man - I am telling you to do the opposite - stay with him. You two have been together for 3 years now - you have so much together - dont blow that on something that you dont even know will work or not. I have made that choice and got burned - burned badly - I am not saying that your man is better than me - and I am not saying I am better than him - I am saying he has you - not me - he is your love - not me - I am your friend - always have, and always will be - we have gone thru alot together - and we will go thru alot more - who knows what the future holds - I just know that right now, right here, this all feels so right, but it is very wrong - and we need to stop it before it gets any farther - i hope you understand this.' All while I was saying this she was just staring back at me into my eyes. And there was along silence when I stopped talking - then she started to nod her head and said 'Yeah, your right. This IS the wrong time.' I then nodded also. and then there was another long silence before I held out my arms to hug her and said 'best friends forever, right ?' she smiled and taers started to flow as she said 'yes' and then hugged me tightly. Then before there could be another long silence i said 'hell, not even florida can keep us apart' to break the mood that was forming - she laughed and agreed. I then looked at my watch and realized we had been in that truck talking for an hour. I then told her it was getting late and her fiancee is prolly wondering where she is (turns out he is here in town staying at his parents house) - she then nodded and I proceeded to start the car and drive towards her house - on the drive to her house it was like nothing had happened - we were friends - tlaking and laughing histarically - she told me more about her past 2 years and I told her more about mine - then when we reached her house i told her my plans for tomorrow - and invited her to go play or watch us play baseball tomorrow. She said she might - she doesnt know her plans yet - but she said she will call me - i told her if she doesnt call me that i will call her - she laughed and then we said goodbye - didn't hug or anything this time and she got out of the truck and I drove off.

So yeah - things are done i guess. I know its for the best, but I still cried as i drove home. I honestly hope I made the right decision - i guess one day i will know...

And thats all I have to say about that... ...

[sfalexi]

Dude. This is an awesome story. Way to take the upper hand. Seriously. That was very nice of you. Put this is love stories man. This is a good one.

Only time will tell what happens. But at least your conscience can be clear that you did the RIGHT thing.

Alexi

[BillyGalbreath]

Update:

Andira and I have been really great friends these past few days - and to be honest I think we becoming too good of friends - Last night I didn't even realize it but we were holding hands and junk... then when she left we kissed again. I was like WTF ?!

I could barely sleep last night because of everything - I would kill to be with her - but I have realised that we live totally seperate lives now. Yes we are good friends - we will always be. At least that what I hope. But I am afraid logic is setting in on the issues at hand and my feelings a moods are changing rapidly.

Even if she does leave this other guy for me - everyone will know that relationship did not work out because of ME. HE will hate me - her friends will hate me - her family will hate me - even my family will hate me. I also might get my ass killed over this shit. Or even worse, my son could get hurt.

I don't know the guy she is with - I dont know what he is capable of. And plus - what if he IS a nice guy ? She had to have said yes to marrying him for a reason - thats not something you just do over night... I dont want to ruin that for either of them.

Plus I got to thinkin - if she can go behind HIS back and kiss me and spend all this time with me... What is gonna stop her from doing it when she is with ME. You know what I mean ?

And plus - I am single - for the first time in my life I am single - I am in pain - I hate being single - what if I am just 'on the rebound' and not know it yet ? There was a reason her and I did not work out in the past, or we would still be together, right ? Maybe I am just not seeing things clearly because I am lonely, and vulnurable these days...

Who's to say that I wont turn around a few months down the road and dump her ass - I dont know - then I would have ruined her relationship she has now for nuthin.

ARG !!! I hate my life - the ****ing weirdest things always happen to me ! I always have to make the hardest decisions in life - No one else I know has had to make the decisions a sacrifices I have made in my 20 years of being alive.

But alas... I look to the stars and to God for answers... And what do I find ?

Horoscopes For Today: 5/25/2004
Your head overrules your heart, and you're not sure if that's good news or bad news. Either way, the results are quite different than expected. Make the best of this situation. It's good when you see the potential, but beware of letting enthusiasm flood out your deep sense of right and wrong. You're about to learn which part of you is actually in control. The lesson promises to be a real eye-opener. If you ever needed a clear signal about what you should be doing, this is the time. The stars give you an opportunity that most people rarely get.

The stronggest horoscope readin I have ever seen in my life. Who's crazy now ?! lol

So I have made up my mind. And I know exactly what I am going to tell her.

"Its time to stop playing mind games here. I like you and you know that. From what I can tell you like me. But you love your fiancee. Thats why you wear that ring. You have something that I have always wanted - true love -- dont let it go. We are friends. I have told you this before. This is all we can be. We have to stop being so close to each other. No more holding hands or kissing. If we dont stop things are just going to get WAY out of hand and someone could get hurt. You know that. So, I am telling you that we need to cool it, seriously... No more nights like last night. Last night you should have been with your man. You should always be with your man and worry about making HIM happy - not me. When he called last night you should have talked to him and/or go home to him instead of getting in a fight because you were with me. You see all the pain and suffering I am causing the two of you ? Now seriously, we have got to be friends. And ONLY friends. IF and ONLY IF something down the road happens between the two of you THAT IS NOT RELATED TO ME then look me up - if I am single then we'll date then. Not now tho - this timing is just WAY WRONG here."

Or something like that - I am just going to say what comes to mind at the moment so it might be pretty different from that - lol.

Well guys and girls, wish me luck !

[sfalexi]

Plus I got to thinkin - if she can go behind HIS back and kiss me and spend all this time with me... What is gonna stop her from doing it when she is with ME. You know what I mean ?

That is the #1 reason I will never get together with anyone while they are dating some guy, or if I know that they ended up leaving some other guy 'for me'.

G'luck bill. Once again, way to take the upper hand.
Alexi

[BillyGalbreath]

**** !!!!I kissed her again last night. It was just a peck tho. Why the **** do I keep doing this to her and I ??! And then when I walked her out to her truck she told me that I was her first love. That I broke her heart 6 years ago and it took her 2 years to get over me. Now I dont know what this was suppossed to mean ! I dont know if she was telling me she was stillinterested... I dont know if she wanted an appology (I appologized anyways, its just how I am)... I dont know why she said that when she has a man. Is she playing me ? Is she pulling me along so she can induce the pain back onto me that I gave her ? Is she serious about really wanting me ? WTF ?!?!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sfalexi]

Since that happened again last night, I'd like to point you to some of my PREVIOUS advice....

As for hanging out, if you know you can control yourself around her, then I don't see any harm. Based on the kiss, I'm thinking you may not be able to.

I think by this time you've proven that it's better NOT to hang out with her than to take the risk of thinking that you can control it. Cause evidently, you can't. Tell her politely when she calls, "I can't do it. I can't hang out with you. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to YOUR FIANCEE!!!! Think about how he would feel if he knew. Think about how YOU would feel if when you went back or talked to him last he told you that he ended up making out and kissing several times with an 'ex-girlfriend' while you were away. Not to even BEGIN to mention how I feel about this. So I'm sorry, but I can't go out and hang out with you anymore. Not like this."

Then hang up, and ignore future phonecalls.

Alexi

[BillyGalbreath]

I wish I could do that. But I cant. Something inside of me is telling me not to cut contact. She is the only friend I have left. Maybe this is just a faze. Maybe she is looking for a way out of her relationship. Maybe she truely likes me and is not just playing mind games. idk. Maybe your right alexi.

Maybe all she and I need is a week apart. For us both to think. So she can get her mind set of what she wants, and for me to get myself straight. I think it could be any woman my age and I would kiss her. But I dont know that either for sure.

I know I can control it if I really put my mind to it. I just get so comfortable around her and we laugh and joke. And then all of a sudden there we are kissing. When I am around her the rest of the world just kinda disappears. Maybe I just need a week to regain focus on life. Then maybe I can better focus when she is around. Then I wont be the instigator in this.

It was weird tho last night. My mind was focused for a good portion of the night. She even tried to sit in my lap once and I was like, "Uhh.. no... You cant do this, its against the rules. Think about your man. Would you be doing this if he was here?" and then she backed off and sat on the table next to me. But then like 30 minutes later I am on the table and she is in the chair I was in and I am leaning down to kiss her. Then I regained focus and was like WTF?! but I kept a straight face and then acted like I didnt do it. idk. i am weird.

I just want to go run like 20 miles as fast as I can until I pass out I am so frustrated with myself. Or scream at the top of my lungs. Or go break another baseball bat at the batting cages. Something.

I hate the games God plays with my life. I know he has put me in this situation for a purpose. But I still dont like it one bit. I dont know if I can make it thru this little game of his. Its driving me mad. I am being torn in two. Again.

Last time I was in a predicament where I was being torn in two I made the wrong choice and was burned two years later because of that choice. But at the same time it was the right choice because I have a beautiful son out of it.

I am have tempted to walk up to her and just scream "CHOOSE !!!!! ME OR HIM ?!?" Either way she answers will be fine with me because at least then I can move on with whatever comes next. If she chooses him then I can get over her and become a friend again. Just a friend again. If she chooses me then she will have to tell HIM that. Then things will go from there. Slowly.

But I know if I do that then I am the bad guy. And plus, I have told someone before to make that same choice. I won. But how many times can someone win at this game ? My luck has run out. My favors from God have run out. All odds are against me with everything. So I have watch every move I make for a very long time.

And this brings me back to the beginning.. I am just standing there. Not knowing what to do. Lost. Alone. Confused. Cold. Hurting. Angry... Fearful.

There is one thing I DO know tho. I am NOT going to loose my only friend over this. Feelings can change. The atmosphere can change. The world can change. And it will. I know this far too well. In time things will be clear. Everything becomes clear at some point in time. Its just a matter of how long your willing to wait before you see it. Waiting is one of the things I do best. I have waited 20 years. I can wait another 20 just as easily. By then all things will be made clear, and new things will come into play.

Life is so funny. Everything ends with one thing. And yet it starts a whoel new set of things at the same time.

Choice.

The power to control one's own fate. To a certain extent, of course. But none the less, the power of free will. She has already made her choice. I just need to help her realize that choice. I do not know her choice. But either way it is, I can help her to see it for herself. Now THAT is a friend if I've ever seen one.

I will just talk to her. Again. This time I wont push anything. I want to get her thinking. And talking. I want to know what she feels and thinks. I want to help her. If she is so confused then I want to help ease her mind.

I love her. And I just want the best for her.

I will update when appropriate...

[sfalexi]

I wish I could do that. But I cant. Something inside of me is telling me not to cut contact.

Then why'd you ask for advice if you KNEW what it was going to be and you KNEW you weren't going to take it?

I know I can control it if I really put my mind to it.

I just get so comfortable around her and we laugh and joke. And then all of a sudden there we are kissing. When I am around her the rest of the world just kinda disappears.

It's painfully obvious that you in fact can't control it. You TRIED controlling it. And failed. TWICE. No matter how often you say the words, "I can control it," it doesn't make it true.

It was weird tho last night. My mind was focused for a good portion of the night. She even tried to sit in my lap once and I was like, "Uhh.. no... You cant do this, its against the rules. Think about your man. Would you be doing this if he was here?" and then she backed off and sat on the table next to me. But then like 30 minutes later I am on the table and she is in the chair I was in and I am leaning down to kiss her.

You can't control it.

I hate the games God plays with my life.

Hence the reason I don't believe in God. Cause if I DID believe in God, I'd be too ****ing pissed at him for the shit in our lives. So it's just easier to be an athiest.

I am have tempted to walk up to her and just scream "CHOOSE !!!!! ME OR HIM ?!?" Either way she answers will be fine with me because at least then I can move on with whatever comes next.

Except she WOULDN'T answer. She'd say something stupid like, "I can't." or "I care for you BOTH." or "I don't know". It's pretty obvious she's not ready to give him up cause she would have by now. And it's pretty obvious she's not willing to easily give YOU up other-wise she'd respect her FIANCEE!!!! (Jesus, this girl is REALLY pissing me off. Doing this shit behind a FIANCEE'S back. Seriously, I hope she gets ****ed over bigtime. She's a ****ing bitch for doing this shit to people)

And this brings me back to the beginning.. I am just standing there. Not knowing what to do.

Refer to my post above.

There is one thing I DO know tho. I am NOT going to loose my only friend over this.

No. Instead you're gonna allow your 'friend' to stomp all over your heart, taking advantage of you, ****ing around behind her fiance's back, then rip you apart when she leaves to back to him after she had her last bit of 'fun' before married life. Real smart ****ing choice Billy.

Its just a matter of how long your willing to wait before you see it. Waiting is one of the things I do best. I have waited 20 years. I can wait another 20 just as easily.

Yeah. Sounds like a walk in the ****in' park so far. And it's been . . . . two weeks. Only one thousand thirty eight more 'easy waiting' weeks to go.

She has already made her choice.

Yup. The choice to **** around with you behind her fiance's back while not letting him go because she wants to marry him when she's done with you.

But either way it is, I can help her to see it for herself. Now THAT is a friend if I've ever seen one.

Oh yeah. You're a GREAT friend. Helping girls cheat behind their fiance's backs. What a pal you are.

will just talk to her. Again. This time I wont push anything. I want to get her thinking. And talking. I want to know what she feels and thinks. I want to help her. If she is so confused then I want to help ease her mind.

Yeah. Then you can come back here griping and moaning cause you ****ed up and kissed her again (cause you're in so much control) and we'll tell you more of the same advice, and you'll ignore it, and then, whenever she decides to go back to her fiance and says, "I know now that I can't do this with you," after she's had her cake and eaten it too you'll come here ranting and raving about how girls dick you over and how there's noone out there for you and how you hate all female lifeforms, etc. etc. etc.

Ditch her. Cold turkey.

Alexi

[BillyGalbreath]

damn alexi. o_O

Your pertty mad dude. hmm.... Maybe your right. **** it. I will take your advice. Should I let her know that I dont want to hang out anymore ? Or just cut contact and dont answer my phone when she calls ?

I hope your right alexi. This is the only person I actually talk to in person besides my family and co-workers... Your asking me to give up alot. And I will trust your judgement only because I cant trust mine right now.

[sfalexi]

Your judgment is seriously impaired with feelings and emotions. Not only I, but two others above all think it's best to leave this one be. Next time you talk to her on the phone tell her you can't do it. It's not fair to you to be this close while she's engaged. And confess it to her. Tell her that you just can't trust yourself when you're around her. There's no reason to try to be 'macho'. Tell her that it's wrong for her to do this behind her fiance's back. Tell her that it's not fair to you, her, or her poor fiance that doesn't even KNOW what's going on. Then tell her you can't talk to her again because it's too much too handle. You have to cut off contact. Then tell her, "I just can't do it. It was nice seeing you again. But I can't do this anymore. I wish you well. Goodbye."

Then don't answer when she calls. You need to tell her THAT you don't want to talk to her and you have to tell her WHY you don't want to talk to her otherwise she'll keep calling and showing up where you are and it won't be accomplished. This way you take care of any and all 'closure' that she should need. And when you don't pick up the phone when she calls back for whatever reason, she'll KNOW that it's for real.

Alexi