Issues of feelings, love, and caring with GF

[station21]

I have a gf who I love very much, and our relationship is normally excellent.

Normally, I am always attuned to her feelings and needs and wants. Mine are usually second priority, mainly because they are not as important and I am the type to love and care unconditionally so I'm just focused on her.

However.. there are very rare occasions when I do get very upset or disappointed about a certain act or issue, usually because the act is something that breaches a fundamental principle of love (or something like that..).. and during these times.. I would expect my gf to actually be attuned to MY feelings, and be dedicated to figuring out what could be the reason for my feelings.. but rather, what she ends up doing is, focusing on her again, by getting upset herself because I am upset, and instead of sincerely trying to understand why I am upset (which is so rare, maybe once every 2 months or so), she starts bickering with me.

So, during these rare occasions when I actually expect and need her attention to my feelings.. not only does she absolutely ignore them, but she starts fighting with me instead. Such an act is utterly disappointing, and I start to feel that she lacks the basic capacity to love and care truly and unconditionally, seeing that she is not capable of paying attention to my emotions during such rare occasions.

My question to the girls is.. what do you think about my situation and assessment? Am I being unreasonable? Are her ways normal and acceptable?

[pisces25]

You are not loving her unconditionally at all as you are placing expectations on her. And when these expectations are not met you end up disappointed. No surprise there. We are not mind-readers. If something has upset you, tell her. I am not sure why you are so caught up in being 'attuned' to each other. Sure it is obvious when our partners are pissed at something but we are not expected to know each and every feeling out partner has.

Also don't be so sure you are so attuned to her thoughts and feelings all the time. Assuming what someone is thinking or feeling is a bit mistake and can be the cause of misunderstandings. I am not sure why you put your thoughts and feelings as second priority, relationships take two people and therefore mutual respect is required. If you are feeling like you need to air a grievance do it, don't expect her to pick up on it. So in short, yes you are being unreasonable.

[station21]

pisces, thanks for your honest comments

But I should have mentioned one thing, that the reason why I get upset during those rare occasions, is usually because she has breached a fundamental principle of love/trust.

For instance, there are two best friends who are usually very loyal and good to each other. One day, friend A finds a $100 in friend B's house and takes it. Friend B then finds out about this, and gets very upset and confronts A about it. Instead of trying to understand why B is upset, A starts bickering with B. This is disappointing to B and B wants to end their relationship.'

Now, I'm not saying my GF stole anything for me, but these rare instances when I get seriously disappoined or upset, they occur because she, in my mind, has broken a core principle of love. Her counterargument is that, she didn't know it was a breach of a principle, that it stems from differnces in our personalities, but my argument is that, such acts and principles are universal, and not a matter of a difference between man and woman, or dfiferent personalities.

pisces, perhaps you're right that I don't love her unconditionally. But at least I like to think I get close to it. By your judgement maybe loving someone unconditionally is impossible, since all people can get disappointed, even if they love another unconditionally, if that person has broken a major principle.

The reason why I am attuned to her is because I love her, and I feel this can reflect how much one person loves another. My feelings are usually second priority because she likes to be first priority.

[pisces25]

My feelings are usually second priority because she likes to be first priority.

You are a doormat. You give and give and give and give and get nothing in return. Loving someone is not about letting them walk all over you. No wonder there is tension. She is not living up to your standard of what a relationship is/should be and when she breaks one of these core principles of love you get upset and she wonders why you are upset thus making her upset.

I think you guys need to sit down and have a really good chat about the relationship, what your expectations of each other are and go from there. What might be a breach of rule for one person may not be for another.

[Wakeup]

How are you presenting your problems to her? Are you immediatly putting her on the defensive? Do you expect her just to obey you without explaining her side?

but my argument is that, such acts and principles are universal, and not a matter of a difference between man and woman, or dfiferent personalities.

Perhaps that's where your problem is. You are set in your ways and she has no clue what "your way" is. There is not such thing as "universal principles" every relationship has their own rules and regulations and way of showing each other how they love one another and they work together through mutual agreement or compromise when mutual agreement is not forthcoming. Perhaps you should do some explaining nicely when you think she's breached one of YOUR principles and maybe she won't get defensive.

She sounds like she doesn't know that she's doing any thing wrong (and she may not be to some other man) and you just don't know how to communicate with her without making her feel her self-worth is being attacked.

Your problem appears to be caused through a lot of assumptions on your part (re these so called "universal principles") and lack of proper communication by both of you.