Issues with serious boyfriend's family? :( Please help, need mature advice..

[cynnie1993]

Hello all! I would love some advice on this..

I am having trouble with my boyfriend's family. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and we are very in love. We are both 21. I am in college and he is as well, though he is not sure of what he wants to do, I am very very ambitious and have my goals set out for me since I was a kid. The only real problem we have are these family issues.

We are each other's world. We are even seriously talking about marriage when we are done with college and move into a house. Because we are so serious and in love, it hurts to have these problems with his family and sometimes makes me think if I'm healthy for him. I really couldn't imagine my life without him, we're each other's rock.

I am a soft-spoken person, but warm and kind when people talk to me. When I go over to his house, (he still lives with his parents during college), his parents never say hi to me. I am always the one to say hi first and ask how things are going, and since I'm shy its hard to just go up and be all outspoken and hug and whatnot. I am very polite and sometimes even cook for them, since the parents never cook. They eat fast food or at restaurants every night. They usually are just watching t.v. and pay no mind to me. I'm not used to this as my mother always welcomes my boyfriend very warmly and asks him millions of questions about school and work! It makes him feel very welcomed, and I wish I could feel that with his parents.

I am not close to his family at all because of this. His family also has such different values. I grew up with a father who abused alcohol so much (every day) that he also abused me, my sisters, and my mom. You can guess that alcohol has really scarred me and I choose not to be around it because of those memories. When I see his family at gatherings a few times a year, all they do is drink until they are so drunk that they control what my boyfriend and I are doing that night and say they need us to be the DD for them without asking before hand. I never really see them normally, they are usually all just drunk at these family events. They also are heavy pot smokers and any time I see the mom, she is always high and the house smells of pot. I am definitely not a drinker/drug user and he does not do those things either, but gets mad at me for having those feelings about the drinking at his gatherings. Yes, I am aware that I should just suck it up and put my big girl panties on for those gatherings despite my past, but I think the problem is not just the traumatic memories with alcohol but the fact that I can never get to know them due to them always being drunk when I see them.

His mom doesn't care for me. She never asks me how school is going, never asks me questions whatsoever. When we do talk (which is rare), we talk about her or general things. Usually when I come over, she ignores me and talks to my boyfriend and doesnt look at me. it's also very hard to connect with her because she doesn't respect that I go to school. We are totally different people, she is a party girl and I am ambitious, nurturing and responsible. I also have a feeling that my boyfriend is a bit of a mommy's boy because he never thinks anything she does is rude. He has never stood up for us when they have ruined our plans and thinks the world of his mom even though she never cooks, cleans, and smokes pot all day, and constantly drinks. One time we got in a fight about this and he said, "I WILL choose my mother of you sometimes! Deal with it!".. Hearing that hurt my heart because he has led me to think I am the woman and love of his life. I put him above anything and will in marriage just as the bible says to (sorry to offend anyone, I am religious). I would do anything for him and constantly show my love and affection. It also hurts because when I bring up that she never talks to me, he turns the tables and says "Well you could go and talk to her too you know.." I am always the one to ask her questions first..and Am I supposed to knock on her door while shes in her room? Especially when we're not that acquainted yet?

I get so jealous that he chooses his mom over me that its to the point of tension when his family gets brought up in conversations. he said he has to hide things about his family because he thinks there will be tension. He is very close to them and does not care about the bad things they do. This may be the one thing that could bring us down and I dont want it to. Any suggestions for me? Do we need counseling? Thank you so much. I want to save this relationship, I dont believe in going separate ways if it can be fixed. I dont give up on people I love that easily..

[basilandthyme]

Cynnie, if your boyfriend is OK with his family the way they are, then your problem isn't with them. It's with him. And I struggle to see what counselling would achieve - it won't change his family and it won't lessen his ties to them. Besides, I don't believe in counselling for couples who aren't married. Why? Because dating is about finding Mr Perfect - it's not about trying to make something work which isn't functioning properly. If you can't get to the altar without counselling, then you have no business getting married.

Have you considered what you'd do if you have children? Because he's so close, he'd want his children to be part of his family's life. Do you really want your kids exposed to lazy, pot smoking, alcoholics?

If you marry him, then you marry his family too. I don't recommend sucking it up - I'd want better quality for my children.