Relationship is flailing on my side. Desperately need advice.

[poopsandgiggles]

Girlfriend is my college sweetheart, and we've been together for over four years. We've lived together for a year and a half, and it was great. There have been some good times and bad times, but the good times definitely outshine the bad. We are both in our early/mid twenties, and graduated college just a few years ago.

For the last year or two, I thought that I would marry this girl. In fact, we often joked about what our married life would be like. I already had a best man picked out in my mind, and we've pretty much agreed that the girl who introduced us would be the maid of honor. I haven't asked her to marry me yet, because I wasn't sure of whether she'd say yes, and because the prospect of marriage simply scared the living bejeesus out of me.

We've recently started graduate school for the sake of our professional careers, and will be about 500 miles apart. We've seen each other maybe once a month, and are so busy with our schoolwork that there isn't time for much more than that. Long story short, it doesn't look likely that we'll be in the same city. She may end up being two hours away by car if things go well.

My last relationship before this one lasted for two years, and a year of it was long distance before I got dumped :/
She wanted some space, and felt like she was in it for the long haul.

I think I'm falling for someone else, hard. I've never been this type of person, ever. In fact, I would have had no respect for someone who is in the same situation I am in now had I read this post a few years back. But here I am, and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I can't stop thinking about this girl, and for the last two months, it's been nothing else but this girl on my mind, day in and day out. I would absolutely never do anything with this girl if I find out that the feelings are mutual, just because. Cheating in your mind is still cheating in my book.

I've gotten to be good friends with this girl I just met, and we've been getting closer. I've never tried to make it obvious that I have feelings for her, and she's too good of a person to not do the same if she had feelings for me too. I'm not going to waste your time singing praises about how intelligent, funny, and beautiful this girl is, but that is how I see her.

What should I do? I really don't think this is just some passing crush, because I've had those before when I was single. It's getting to the point where I will look for her every time I enter a room, or when I'm walking down the street. I look up at her apartment every time I pass by before I remember that her window doesn't face the street. If I see her date someone else, I know it would break my worthless, miserable heart.

I've been lucky in that I have been compartmentalizing my feelings, and am getting good schoolwork done despite having this girl on my mind all the time. I can't talk to any of my friends here about it, because they're all friends with her. I can't talk to any of my old college friends, because they're all friends with my girlfriend. It's gotten to the point where I've seriously considered having some sort of conversation with my girlfriend over Christmas break, which I know would break her heart into tiny pieces.

I think my options are:
1. Avoid the new girl (tried, superbly unsuccessfully)
2. Call my girlfriend up now and tell her the truth
3. Not tell anyone anything, ever, and hope this stupid thing resolves itself, somehow.
4. Wait until Christmas break is over, when I won't have much contact with this new girl, and see if it's real or just a stupid passing crush after all. Also, just because I don't forget her in a month won't necessarily make it real.
5. A deus ex machina

Can someone help me solve this?

[koreachange]

ha ha. i'm in a similar situation to you. i'm in a relationship with a lovely girl too. she's friends with all my friends, incredibly pretty and nice etc....

i've just changed jobs and my new co-teacher is all the things that you describe the other girl above. i don't want to break my girlfriend's heart or lose friends or do the morally wrong thing in any way but i just can't stop thinking about my co-worker and whilst keeping it very professional, it's clear to see that there are feelings from both of us. she does yoga near my house and i always walk the long way round back to my house in hope of bumping into her to grab a coffee or just a quick glimpse of her smile. if i was single, it would be as clear as daylight that i have to pursue this girl. being in a decent relationship though it makes things really hard.

i think you just have to play the waiting game and something will become clear very soon. i'm personally waiting to see if my feelings for this new girl are just a passing fancy (it's been just 3 weeks) or not. if i have the same feelings still next month, then i think i'll have to tell my girlfriend and call it a day with her as i know there is someone i'd rather be with. as devastating as that may be for her i'd have to be honest with her.

with your situation, you have a long distance barrier that seems impenetrable. the writing may be on the wall as with a long distance thing you have to be 100% into the girl as it's a strain even for the most loved up and single minded couples. i hope you can work it out and arrive at the right decision. i'd be interested to know your decision!

[bulrush]

I think it may be your unconscious telling you your current gf is not "the one". You should tell your gf that you want to date her and other people. But she will likely leave. So, date this other girl, get some more experience, and she what she is REALLY like. I think you are probably too young to marry, or at least too inexperienced. You sound like you need more dating experience with more girls. Not just long term relationships.

I know this might sound hard to do, because when I was young I preferred long-term relationships. But I did not get enough experience dating, to see what types of girls are out there. I ended up getting married, then divorced 9 years later.

[Dune]

I think that your degree of un-sure-ness about your current girlfriend says it all. I also understand how you hate the idea of cheating and find it such a breach in your own principles as you find yourself in places you never thought you would be.

Be that as it may, I feel that you should give it a little time. Give it some thought. See where your feelings run to. And if you find yourself straying from your girlfriend and you're sure of it, make sure she is the first to know.

[Saya]

It's possible that you feel this way at the moment because you feel lonely even though you are busy with uni/work etc... but you feel lonely because before you used to live with your gf/see her all the time etc, but now your not so you might be looking for someone who can give you affection?
Do you think that you will feel the same way about this girl if you were living with your gf/seeing your gf lots and spending a lot of time with her?

[acinom18]

i would try to avoid this other girl. it hasn't been very long since you've met her, and like another reply said, you might just be lonely and missing your girlfriend. if you continue feeling this way about this girl, i think you need to tell your girlfriend. it's going to be hard, and you risk losing her for good, but it's not fair to her. have you two not talked about what you would do if something like this happened? you probably should have that conversation anyway, regardless of this other girl. she might be feeling the same way about another man. if that were the case, what would you want her to do? maybe you can see other people while you're apart and see where it takes you. if you're uncertain, she needs to know.

[poopsandgiggles]

i think you just have to play the waiting game and something will become clear very soon.

I think it may be your unconscious telling you your current gf is not "the one". You should tell your gf that you want to date her and other people. But she will likely leave. So, date this other girl, get some more experience, and she what she is REALLY like. I think you are probably too young to marry, or at least too inexperienced. You sound like you need more dating experience with more girls. Not just long term relationships.

I agree that I'm too young to marry. I mean, I really don't think that's going to happen for a while. Dating other people would likely mean losing the girl I'm with now. That doesn't sound so hot either. I feel like a goddamned rabbit, afraid to make a decision, afraid to do something about my situation, and and just afraid to move.

I think that your degree of un-sure-ness about your current girlfriend says it all. I also understand how you hate the idea of cheating and find it such a breach in your own principles as you find yourself in places you never thought you would be.

Be that as it may, I feel that you should give it a little time. Give it some thought. See where your feelings run to. And if you find yourself straying from your girlfriend and you're sure of it, make sure she is the first to know.

That sounds like a good plan. I've given it some thought over the last few days, and this may be my only option, short of things happening out of my control. And waiting around for that is bleh.

It's possible that you feel this way at the moment because you feel lonely even though you are busy with uni/work etc... but you feel lonely because before you used to live with your gf/see her all the time etc, but now your not so you might be looking for someone who can give you affection?
Do you think that you will feel the same way about this girl if you were living with your gf/seeing your gf lots and spending a lot of time with her?

Hm I don't know. I'm the same as my girlfriend in many ways (interests, habits), but when it comes down to personality, we are actually quite a bit different. We have so much in common, and yet have so man differences! I mean, if I wanted everything to be the same I might as well marry myself! My girlfriend now would make a great spouse, and I see that now. But a best friend and partner? I may have to think on that one.

i would try to avoid this other girl. it hasn't been very long since you've met her, and like another reply said, you might just be lonely and missing your girlfriend. if you continue feeling this way about this girl, i think you need to tell your girlfriend. it's going to be hard, and you risk losing her for good, but it's not fair to her. have you two not talked about what you would do if something like this happened? you probably should have that conversation anyway, regardless of this other girl. she might be feeling the same way about another man. if that were the case, what would you want her to do? maybe you can see other people while you're apart and see where it takes you. if you're uncertain, she needs to know.

No, it's not fair to her at all. And we've never talked about this, just because I didn't think it would ever happen.



The WORST part?
I had this same thing happen to me before! Some girl I was dating (we were 19) ended up breaking up with me because she felt too young and trapped. She said that I would be wonderful to have as a husband, but wanted more dating experience. That's what I feel like now. And that broke my heart and took me years to recover. Doing the same to someone else just seems so inhumane.
I think I'll have to wait a bit and see whether this thing with the new girl is real or not, and more importantly, see whether this problem is stemming from a deeper sign that my girlfriend and I are simply not as compatible as I thought.
We have so many of the same interests, but deep down, I think we're very different people. Is that good or bad?

[anonymousposter]

You are falling for a fling that'll have a whole host of other unknown problems. You have a studious girl that you love. Man up, drift away from this new crush, and stick with your current girl. You are committed.